The mascot method went 6-5-1 last week. Respectable. My one pick in the Thursday night game was a winner, it’s just too bad the site administrator didn’t get the article up until Saturday morning. Not that it matters because with my less-than-stellar record this season it’s doubtful anyone would have actually bet along with me. Though my record is getting better, I went 3-1 this weekend hitting the Thursday night game, the Patriots, and the great gift from Vegas: the Ravens actually getting points in Houston. My one loss was a stupid bet on the unhandicapable (yeah it’s now a word) New Orleans Saints. If you take nothing else away from my article this week - and chances are you won’t - remember this: do not bet any game the New Orleans Saints are involved in. If you bet on them they will lose. If you bet against them they will cover. It’s guaranteed. The Saints screwing you on a bet is more of a guarantee than Paris Hilton screwing you on a date. I would say that the Saints are this year’s Carolina Panthers except the Panthers are still this year’s Carolina Panthers. Unless a ridiculously wacky line comes out of Vegas, like maybe the Jets as favorites over the Panthers, (take that Jets fans) you will not see me betting a game that has either team involved.

Before I get to this week’s picks I want to take a moment to address something that has been bothering me for a couple weeks. Ever since the Giants’ win over the Steelers a couple weeks back I’ve had to listen to “expert” after “expert” blame Pittsburgh’s backup long snapper for losing the game for the Steelers. (Amazingly it’s still going on, I heard something else about it this past Sunday.) Their “logic” is that the Steelers were up 2 when the snap sailed over the punter’s head leading to a safety for the Giants and a tie game. The Steelers then had to kick off to the Giants and the Giants took over at their own 45 and scored a touchdown to go up by 7. What these idiots (and there are a LOT of them) seem to forget is that the Steelers were punting on that play from their own 18 yard line. Had the snap not flown over Mitch Berger’s head like some of my jokes over the heads of some of our southern readers the Giants likely would have taken over from the punt at around their own 40 or 45 yard line – exactly where they took over from the kickoff following the safety that “won them the game.” There’s no reason to think that they wouldn’t have gone through the same series of plays and scored a touchdown to go up by 5. The Steelers would have still needed a touchdown and would have still failed to get one. So quit taking that win away from the Giants and putting it on James Harrison. Neither one deserves that.

PATRIOTS -3 ½ over Jets: I wrote before the season that the Jets wouldn’t make the playoffs this year despite all the celebrating Jets fans did over the acquisition of Bret Favre. They’ve won a few games and are actually tied with New England for the division lead, but I still think they stink. The 3 ½ points the Patriots are getting only account for the home field advantage and doesn’t account for the fact that the Patriots, even without Tom Brady, are the better team. Also, I’ll be watching the game with a bunch of Jets fans so I have to bet against them – those are the rules.

SEAHAWKS +3 ½ over Cardinals: I’m going to look at this from two different angles. First as a gambler: 88% of the money on this game has gone down on the Cardinals. When that large a majority bets against a home underdog, look out. Second as a football fan: the Cardinals barely escaped their Monday night contest against the sorry 49ers. The Seahawks are getting Matt Hesselbeck and Deion Branch back this week which should help their offense immensely. Seattle is a completely different team with Hasselbeck at quarterback. I really think the Seahawks will win this one straight up but I’ll take the 3 ½.

Colts -8 ½ over TEXANS: I usually don’t like to bet road team favored by this much but the Colts are beginning to turn things around, as evidenced by their 4 point win over the Steelers last week. The Texans are not very good and their quarterback is now Sage Rosenfels who threw 4 picks last week. Forget the turnovers, if I didn’t bet against a team being led by a guy named Sage I couldn’t live with myself.

DOLPHINS -10 ½ over Raiders: Three reasons: 1. The Raiders are awful. 2. West to east cross country trip for a 1PM game 3. The Raiders are awful.

BUCCANEERS – 4 over Vikings: This week I spoke with Kevin Glazer, son of Buccaneer’s owner Malcom Glazer, brother of executive V.P. Joel Glazer (yeah I know people) and he informed me (while wearing his Super Bowl ring) that various Bucs players have had some distractions recently, but assured me that they were clear of those distractions and the team has been extremely focused heading into this weekend. (More importantly I did not think to ask him to hook me up with my new favorite cheerleader - I didn’t even bring her up. I am more disappointed in myself than I was for my terrible picks the first five weeks of the season.) I did, however get my picture taken holding the Vince Lombardi trophy (which is deceivingly light). There’s something about holding a championship trophy that gives you supreme confidence in the team that earned it – even six years later.

Alright, alright I stink. I went 1-2 again last week (though I bet the Steelers on Monday night even though they weren’t included in my picks and made quite a profit over the weekend due to the exceptionally large amount I bet on the Ravens, after all gambling is all about money management) to add to my abysmal record for the year. If I hadn’t made myself a promise about the Chiefs that would have been another win for me and you’d be looking at nicely thought out picks this week. Despite that, the Raiders pick was an all-time low for me, much like anyone who threw their support behind Ron Paul at this time last year. TEN passing yards! Seriously? I doubt even Bill Simmons was dumb enough to pick the Raiders. Wait, I just checked, he did. Still, I’m more ashamed of myself than THIS GUY so I won’t be doing any football or gambling analysis this week. That’s right it’s fighting mascot time!

Broncos +3 at Browns: (Editor’s note: this pick was made before Thursday night’s game. It is the Editor’s fault that this blog was not posted until Saturday morning) The first Thursday night game of the year features the Browns. I don’t know what a Brown is so I’ll keep the mascot wars to Sunday’s games. The Browns have tired of the awful play of one-year wonder Derek Anderson and announced that they’ll be giving Brady Quinn his first career NFL start. This is somewhat of a gift considering the Bronco’s defense is pretty terrible. However I don’t like a quarterback getting his first career start in a short week and I can’t take the Browns seriously as a favorite. BET: The Broncos
Rams + 7 ½ at Jets: I’ll keep this one quick: a herd of rams has no chance against a single jet, let alone multiple jets. Pick: Jets

Jaguars -6 ½ at Lions: The battle of the jungle cats boils down to the fact that the lion is the king of the jungle and the jaguar is….well not. Becoming a king requires taking power by force (either you or your ancestors), it’s not at all like becoming president of the United States, which simply requires becoming a good public speaker and affiliating yourself with the rival party of the dope who was elected into office previous to your run. I think the king can control his subjects. Pick: Lions

Titans -3 at Bears: Wikipedia defines a Titan as “A class of deities who preceded the Olympians in Greek mythology.” Bears are ferocious animals that would take down any human, but come on, not a god. In fact, what earthly being could take out a god? Maybe that’s why Tennessee is undefeated. Pick: Greek Gods

Bills +4 at Patriots: In last year’s version of this article I contemplated what would be fighting as the “Bill,” the bison from their helmets or their namesake: the cowboy Buffalo Bill. Here I really don’t think it matters. When I think of Patriots I think of the Revolutionary War patriots who fought for our independence, not just people who really love America. Those guys had muskets and could hunt bison easily. And even though Buffalo Bill was some wild cowboy who killed some people, the patriots took down the British Army, I think they could handle a bunch of drunk, revolver-toting cowboys. Pick: Patriots

Saints +1 at Falcons: Falcons are strong hunters with sharp talons. Saints are a non-violent bunch that wouldn’t harm anyone…or any bird. The saints would just stand by while the falcons ripped at their faces with their talons and when the falcons had shredded up the right side of each of the saints’ faces, the saints would turn the other cheek, thus saving the falcons from needing to shift to the left side, leaving them more energy to rip at the saints’ left sides. It wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Pick: Falcons

Seahawks +9 ½ at Dolphins: Both of these two call the ocean home, I guess. I’m not exactly sure what a seahawk is. The only birds I’ve seen near the ocean are sea gulls. Hawks are a little nastier than gulls so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that seahawks are much like hawks, but it doesn’t much matter. The hawks could injure the dolphins somewhat when the dolphins come up above the water, but dolphins are smart, at least that’s what I’m told. I foresee the dolphins working out some sort of plan to lure the hawks near them at the water line and then grab the hawks and pull them under to drown them. Even if that doesn’t work, dolphins can launch themselves pretty high out of the water. The hawks would need to fly somewhat near the water level in order to mount an attack which would leave them susceptible to the dolphins launching up, grabbing the hawks in their porpoise mouths and pulling the hawks under for a nice drowning. The dolphins will take some damage, but they’ll win in the end. Pick: Dolphins

Packers +1 at Vikings: I believe the “packers” refers to meat packers that were big in the Green Bay area at some point, maybe they still are. Sorry, I’m not that up on my Green Bay, Wisconsin demographics. Vikings are big and mean and they wield weapons, but they are dumb. I suppose the meat packers could somehow fool those big dummies into gathering near some machinery in those meat packing plants and knocking them into the machinery, thus maiming the vikings. Still, I think that’s a long shot. Vikings are just too big and carry actual weapons; they don’t rely on meat packing machinery. Pick: Vikings

Panthers -9 at Raiders: Raiders are essentially pirates. Not like modern day pirates – scrawny little Africans in a row boat with rocket launchers that attack cargo ships around Africa – but more like the pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean. They have large ships and carry guns and swords. Panthers are vicious wild cats. I wouldn’t mess with a panther. Then again, I’m not a pirate. Pirates carry guns. I’d say guns are pretty effective when it comes to stopping a panther. Pick: Raiders

Chiefs +14 at Chargers: I’m not sure what a charger is. On the side of their helmets the Chargers have bolts of lightning. It’s pretty tough to defeat lightening. Native Americans used to do a dance to bring on the rain (which I’d assume sometimes was accompanied by lightning) so I’m guessing they thought they could control it. Sorry chief, I don’t think you really could control the rain or lightning. I’m guessing a bunch of Native Americans died from lighting strikes. I highly doubt one was ever able to kick a lightning bolt’s ass. Pick: Chargers

Giants +3 at Eagles: Eagles are pretty large birds that are good hunters. They are fairly sharp talons and strong beaks. But come on, how’s an Eagle going to inflict any sort of injury on a Giant. I mean seriously, it’s a Giant. It’d be like a butterfly taking out a regular-sized man. I haven’t heard about any butterfly related deaths recently. Pick: Giants

Ravens +2 at Texans: Edgar Allen Poe helped make ravens a little scary with that dumb poem of his, at least that’s what I’ve been led to believe. I don’t find that poem the least bit frightening, nor do I find any of his poems the least bit frightening. THEY’RE POEMS! Poetry is the fruitiest form of writing known to man (yes even fruitier than blogging) so actually writing a scary poem is like pulling off being a “gangsta” backstreet boy – it just doesn’t happen. Wait, what was I writing about? Oh yeah, despite Poe’s feeble attempt at making ravens formidable creatures to f*ck with, a Texan – who is likely packing heat – would eat that raven for lunch, perhaps literally. Pick: Texans

49ers +10 at Cardinals: This matchup sucks. A 49er is basically a person who moved out west in search of gold. Nasty, I know. A cardinal is the wussiest mascot in professional sports – even worse than a white sock or red sock. At least you can fill a sock with batteries and pummel guys with it. Until Los Angeles finally gets a new team and names it the worms, the Cardinals will always be picked to lose in mascot wars no matter who their opponent is. Pick: gold rushers

I was a disappointing 1-2 last week. Luckily for you guys though my picks didn’t go up until Sunday afternoon, even though I was finished with the article Thursday night. I’m guessing our editor-in-chief looked at my terrible picks and decided to save our readers a little money by holding the article until after the 1PM games got started. I’m going with that because he wouldn’t be happy if I called him a lazy piece of shit. I lost the Carolina game by a half a point to a team from the western time zone. I thought maybe my cross-country theory was beaten, but then I found out the Cardinals stayed on the east coast all week because of their bye week in week 7. Wish I would have known that before Sunday. Either way I finally finished below .500 on the week and if that happens again this week I’m going to need to change up my betting strategy. For this week though, I’m going to try to use my expertise to pick some damn winners. Home team in CAPS.

Ravens +1 ½ over BROWNS: As I suggested before the season, people were way too high on the Browns based on their overachieving ten win season last year. They faced a supremely easy schedule last year and a benefited from a career year by Derek Anderson. So far the preponderance of the evidence shows that again I was right (strange how nobody is surprised) that Derek Anderson’s was a one-season wonder and would take a serious step back this year, dragging the Browns back with him. Imagine my extreme disappointment when my beloved Giants lost to the pathetic Browns in Derek Anderson’s only good game of the season so far. Anyway, back to the point, the Ravens don’t suck, the Browns kind of do. I don’t care that this game is in Cleveland, Baltimore will win easily.

RAIDERS +3 ½ over Falcons: Here’s this week’s cross-country theory game. I generally like betting against the west-to-east teams but there are none this week so we’ll take a shot at the Falcons flying all the way out to Oakland. Many NFL gamblers love home underdogs and I’m no different. There are a few fairly large home dogs this week but I can’t bet the Bengals or Seahawks with their backup quarterbacks and although I’m intrigued by the Chiefs +8, I promised myself I wouldn’t bet the worst team in the NFL for the rest of the season. As far as Atlanta is concerned, there is no question they are improved from last season, but I think they’ve played a little beyond their abilities this year and I’m looking for a pull back from them in the second half of the season.

RAMS +3 over Cardinals: The Cardinals have been the second most heavily bet team this week and that is good news for Rams backers. The Rams are starting to put things together on offense and are beginning to show the improvement I expected to see from week 1. The Cardinals are decent, but people are a little too enamored with their passing game. Their running game is below average and their defense is pretty bad. And let’s face it, Kurt Warner is old and fumbles too much. That’s not a guy I want to bet on.

I’m going to start this week’s article with something that has nothing to do with football: I HATE the new Burger King commercials for the Steakhouse Mushroom and Swiss Burger. Every time one comes on I scramble for the remote faster than the cast of I Love Money scrambles for penicillin when they realize who they’ve awoken next to. I desperately want to see the two “men” from the commercial die in a fiery car crash. I’d rather watch that stupid Mr. Bill commercial on a loop for an hour than watch one Shroom and Swiss commercial. It is truly Satan’s work.

Who saw the referee take out the South Carolina quarterback last Saturday night? I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. The SEC investigated and found that the ref did nothing wrong, he was just bracing for contact. I’m telling you, I saw the play and he dropped the quarterback on purpose. Watch the clip and see for yourself. He lined the guy up like Antonio Pierce, got into position, and lowered a shoulder into him. I played four years of high school football and never got a hit that good in. I don’t know what his motive could possibly have been but this was clearly intentional.
And finally before we get to my amazing picks for this weekend, who is this super smoking hot cheerleader in this picture (I originally saw her on PTI in a larger, more detailed version and I’ve kept it on my DVR) from the Mike Alstott tribute during half time of Sunday’s game? She is probably the hottest cheerleader I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and that includes the cheerleaders from the SEC and PAC 10. I love the Giants, but I am seriously considering moving to Tampa and becoming a Bucs fan. If anyone has any information at all on the new love of my life, please email it to mfh@subwaychatter.com. Seriously, please.

Anyway, on to the NFL where I went 3-0 against the spread last week and 0-1 on the over/under. For those of you keeping track that’s two 3-1 weeks in a row. One more and that’s called a winning streak. It has happened before. I apologize to those of you who were waiting intently for my money-making picks and didn’t see them until after the games had already begun on Sunday. Direct your complaints to Monnie D because he had it in his possession to get up on the site on Thursday night. While you’re at it, ask him where the hell he’s been for the past month. Maybe ask him if he’s heard from Chuck Wipple or Consiglieri and tell him that my back is getting tired from carrying this site. The good news is: I’m getting my mojo back. The bad news is: those of you who were looking forward to this year’s installment of “what would happen if this mascot fought that one,” will have to wait for at least one more week. But in order to avoid a revolt by my tens of fans, and to give those of you who missed the two installments last year an idea of what I’m talking about, I will give a little taste from an email conversation with six of my friends earlier this week:

Rusty: If there are 4 women among the top 8, there has to be something afoot. I’m guessing they’re going with the mascot method.. I will revert to this method this week to see how it works out. What happens when a Bill fights a Dolphin?

MFH: First of all you have to figure out what a Bill is.

Bob Villa: Buffalo Bill “was an American soldier, bison hunter and showman. He earned the nickname by killing 4,280 buffalo in eighteen months.” That many Buffalo , maybe there was a dolphin mixed in there somewhere? You never know. All that shooting, I think there’s a pretty good chance he couple probably hit a Dolphin. But I don’t think a Dolphin can even hold a gun?

Radio: Probably need to strap a laser beam to that dolphin’s head to make it fair….

MFH: Yeah but where is the game? If the Dolphins are at home this fight is happening in the middle of the ocean. How’s Buffalo Bill’s gun going to function under water? Even if it worked dolphins are too fast for him in the ocean and he’d drown rather quickly. If the game is in Buffalo though, it’s no contest, gotta go with the Bills.

Mr. Peanut: In Miami…meaning the fight will be had in the middle of the ocean. Now for the bills mascot…are with going with whatever a “bill” may be? Or with the bison that sits on the sides of their helmets? If we’re going with their actual bison logo, i’d say the bills win. Look closely. What exactly is that red streak along the bison extending from the horn? I’d say is almost signifying that the buffalo itself is flying through the air (much like how Trent Edwards is leading the offense this year). What does this mean? It means, my friends, that the bison will not be stymied by fighting in the middle of the ocean. It can simply hover above the water surface, wait for the dolphin to attack, then strike down using the force of gravity at an acceleration rate of 32.2 feet per second squared to jab it’s deadly horns into the blubber of the great fish… mammal… whatever. If we’re going with the Buffalo Bill the cowboy mascot fighting in the middle of the ocean, then the dolphins win.

MFH: Flying Bison? Now you’re just being ridiculous.

Mr. Peanut: 4 woman leading a pick’em league? Now THAT is ridiculous.

To be fair, 4 women are not leading the league, it’s 4 in the top ten, but it is still ridiculous since none of us are in the top ten.

Home team in CAPS:

PANTHERS – 4 ½ over Cardinals: Here we go with another team flying across the country. The effect is even more pronounced when it’s a team from the West Coast (or close) coming east for a 1PM game because they are essentially playing at 10AM. Here’s how I know Vegas still hasn’t caught on to the cross-country flight strategy (other than the fact that it still wins a large majority of the time): The Panthers are at home which is generally worth 3-4 points in the NFL. The Panthers are a better football team than the Cardinals by at least 2 points. That already is more than the 4 ½ points the Panthers are giving up here. The only thing I’m worried about is that the Panthers are, along with the Saints and Jags, one of the toughest teams to handicap in the NFL. Any week they can look like a Super Bowl contender and the next week look like a candidate for the Lions only win this year.

RAVENS – 6 ½ over Raiders: This week I’m really going to press this cross-country strategy I’ve developed. I need to take advantage before the boys in Vegas catch on. Again it’s about simple math: 3 ½ points for the Ravens home field advantage, and the Ravens are inarguably almost a touchdown better than the Raiders. We’re looking at about 9 points before Oakland even boards a cross-country flight to Baltimore for a 1PM (10AM Oakland time) game and for some reason our buddies in Vegas have decided to take only 6 ½ points from the Ravens. Also, I don’t like either quarterback that much (this year…they both could be very good in a couple years) and I like Willis McGahee and Ray Rice against the Raiders’ defense much better than Darren McFadden and Justin Fargas against Ray Lewis and friends. I’m a little worried that 83% of the money bet on this game has gone down on the Ravens, but I’m hoping that this is one of the rare times the vast majority of the public is actually right.

Buccaneers + 2 over COWBOYS: The Bucs are 5-2 against the spread because they are continuously underappreciated by the betting public. The Cowboys are 2-5 against the spread because they are continuously overrated. As long as Jeff Garcia is playing quarterback I like the Bucs and as long as Brad Johnson is playing quarterback I don’t like the Cowboys very much as a gambler (even though as a Giants fan I hate them no matter who plays quarterback, yet I somehow hate them even more when Tony Simpson is taking the snaps).

That’s all I’ve settled on for week 8. I was really close to betting the Lions + 7 ½ at home against Washington because 77% of the money has gone on the Skins and the Lions are big home dogs, but I just don’t trust the Lions to beat the spread in two straight for me. I also considered the Titans -3 ½ at home against the Colts because Joseph Addai and Bob Sanders are both doubtful for the game, but I’m waiting for the Titans to stumble and I think we’re all waiting for the Colts offense to pick things up. I do feel good about the three picks above, so bet accordingly. And when you make a killing on them you can thank me by setting me up with my new favorite cheerleader.

Woohoo, 3-1 last week. Finally a positive week for your favorite NFL prognosticator. Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of ti me before I broke out of my awful funk. Everyone who has been exposed to my genius knew this week was coming sooner rather than later. My one loss was based on false information – Brian Griese still starting for the Buccaneers. How could I not bet against Brian Griese? I couldn’t figure out why coach Chuckie was starting him in the first place. Imagine my disappointment when I saw Jeff Garcia trot onto the field for the Bucs’ first drive. On a better note, I was happy to see my cross-country travel hypothesis hold true as New England got blown out in San Diego, handing me a profitable week. The good news is I (and anyone who was clairvoyant enough to follow me after 5 bad weeks) made a nice profit last weekend. The bad news is I won’t be recreating one of the more popular articles from last year’s football season (other than this one celebrating the Giants winning the Super Bowl) and instead you’ll have to deal with another week of money-making picks from the resurrected genius they call MFH. (Home team in CAPS)

P.S. I don’t know what’s happened to Consiglieri, Chuck Wipple, or Monnie D. Maybe they’re dead. Maybe they decided that a world where Paris Hilton’s New BFF is actually shown on television is not a world worth living in. Or maybe they slipped into a boredom induced coma while watching the new Knight Rider. Either way, if I’m going to continue to be the only one contributing to the site I’m going to have to find the time to put a little more effort into my articles. I need to step it up and quit half-assing these writings. Maybe I’ll start next week.

Ravens +3 over DOLPHINS: Someone has to stop this wildcat offense the Dolphins are running and the Ravens are the right team to get it done. These gimmick offenses never last long in the NFL. The Ravens’ Ray Lewis is one of the smartest linebackers in the league, so he’ll keep guys in the right place to slow down the wildcat. Once that’s done I’m not worried about Chad Pennington beating the Ravens with his arm. Granted the Ravens may only score 10-13 points, but that should be all they need to cover. I like the under 36 ½ here too. I see 30 points max being scored here.

BEARS -3 ½ over Vikings: Minnesota was the popular pick in the pr eseason to win the NFC North and a sexy pick to go to the Super Bowl. On the other hand, most people had written off the Bears this season. The funny thing is many people’s reasoning was their QB situation. So while people were very wary of Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton (and with good reason), they seemed supremely confident in the quarterbacking abilities of one Tavaris Jackson. Anyone who has been a fairly regular visitor to this site knows how I feel about Rex Grossman. I have more confidence in Bill Gates enticing a laugh out of me in one of his new commercials than I do in Rex Grossman not blowing a game by himself. However Chicago had Kyle Orton to turn to once Rexy finally convinced the Bears’ coaching staff of the same fact I was convinced of two years ago. Meanwhile Minny had Gus Ferotte to replace Tavaris “running back trying to play quarterback” Jackson. I’m not trying to imply that Kyle Orton is a great quarterback but at least he didn’t concuss himself by purposely slamming his head into a concrete wall in celebration of a touchdown (I’m looking at you Gus Ferotte). That was all a long way of saying I have more confidence in the Bears’ quarterback than the Vikings’, and the Bears are at home. Now I have had terrible luck betting the Bears…and terrible luck betting the Vikings. Maybe the two will cancel each other out.

Lions +10 over TEXANS: The Lions aren’t all that good, but the Texans don’t blow anyone out. I admit this is a risky pick because the only thing Dan Orlovsky has proven as an NFL quarterback is that he doesn’t know what the back of the end zone looks like. Still, ten points is a lot so I’ll throw a few bucks down. Let’s gamble!

Some kid got suspended from a middle school in the Tampa area for showing up to school sporting a “rayhawk.” What is a rayhawk, you ask? Well it’s the stupid, redneck-esque hairdo that some of the Rays players and many of their white-trash fans have adopted during the Rays improbable, admittedly impressive run to the ALCS. I probably could do some quick research and find out the kid’s name and the name of the school that suspended him, but I’m not a reporter and I just don’t care too much about the details. The point is, this kid was suspended for a haircut that supported his favorite baseball team because (according to PTI) it was “offensive.” Exactly who is this offending (other than the queers on E! that judge people’s fashion)? What’s offensive is the lack of support the Rays received all season as they shocked the baseball world by winning the AL East. Now someone is showing some real support for the team and he gets suspended from school for it. Nobody was suspended from my middle school for wearing Zubas pants or parting their hair in the middle. Maybe the administr ators in Florida should worry a little more about improving that state’s poor education record and a little less about what kinds of haircuts the students are getting.

Now on to the actual subject of this weekly article: Last week was yet another tough week for your favorite sports writer. I hit on one of three of the bets I made last week (I listed the Texans as + 3 ½, but it was a typo, the line was actually 4 ½). After all the talk about a cross country flight affecting the Patriots, they covered against the 49ers. All my talk about teams traveling cross-country was not bullshit however. Seattle travelled all the way to North Jersey and took the worst beating the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants have laid on anyone in decades. San Diego flew into Miami and lost to the Dolphins who were 1-15 last year. And previously undefeated Buffalo got spanked by Kurt Warner and the Cardinals in Arizona. It turns out my thesis on cross-country travel wasn’t so wrong, I just happened to pick out the one game that was the exception to the rule – which is just the kind of bad luck I’ve faced in the first five weeks of this season. After hitting 60 percent winners in the regular season and goi ng 10-1 against the spread in the playoffs last year I haven’t had a single positive week so far in the new season, but that’s bound to change (I hope) and this may just be the week it happens. Unfortunately I don’t see a single game this week that intrigues me, but I guess with my record so far betting games that do that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If things don’t go well this week I may resort to picking games by my “alternative method.” Those of you who are holdovers from the old subway chatter know what I’m talking about. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. (Home team in CAPS)

SAINTS -7 over Raiders: The Raiders are bad and the Saints aren’t. New Orleans is at home on the fast turf and I still think the Saints are the second best team in the NFC South. Although their defense is suspect, their offense may be the best in the league. JaMarcus Russell is still very raw and I don’t trust him. Also, in case you’ve been stranded on an island, the Raiders fired Lane Kiffin and replaced him with the offensive line coach. That has to have the players distracted somewhat. Also, Al Davis is20a kook and it’s not difficult to bet against any organization he has control over.

Packers + 2 ½ over SEAHAWKS: I’ve been burned by the Packers a few times this season, but like the battered wife in a Lifetime movie I just keep coming back for more. What can I say, Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rogers keep telling me they love me and I believe them. I think they’ve changed for real this time. I really do.

CHARGERS -4 ½ over Patriots: If one cross-country flight didn’t mess up the Patriots, 3 in two weeks must. They were the only team to overcome the cross-country flight last week, they can’t possibly overcome it again this week can they? I must admit, I’m a little skittish about betting actual dollars on Phillip Rivers. At least he’s not Rex Grossman.

Panthers +1 ½ over BUCCANEERS: A Panther is a vicious, nasty wild cat that would tear up a silly Buccaneer…wait, that’s next week’s angle. The Panthers are a good football team – the best in the NFC South. On top of that Brian freakin Griese has beaten me two straight weeks.& nbsp; I can’t see Brian Griese beating me three straight weeks. It just can’t happen. I mean he’s Brian Griese. Bri-an Grie-se.

Alright this is getting ridiculous. I had another 1-3 week and I’ve considered passing on the job of Subway Chatter’s resident gambling advisor to one of my friends, however each of my friends that partakes in gambling on the NFL has had as bad a start to the season as I have. So for now you are stuck with me. You can always bet the opposite of what I suggest, after all that would have given you an 11-5 record to start the season. Wow that’s depressing to look at. I am losing confidence in myself faster than I lose respect for anyone who doesn’t like Seinfeld. Right now I expect you to have about as much faith in me as I have in a female comic actually making me laugh. But alas, there is a glimmer of hope. In addition to writing this stupid column I also do private consulting (ladies are always free) and I’ve done much better in the private field, hitting 4 of my last 4. Also keep in mind that I hit 60% winners last year so assuming I even come close this year I’m due for a big run soon. Still, with all of that mind, given my recent performance I wouldn’t blame you for turning to Corky from Life Goes On for your picks this week. Just know I will beat that retard’s ass this week. Here’s how:

TEXANS + 3 ½ over Colts: Depending on which site you look on, somewhere between 80 and 90 percent of the money on this game has fallen down on the Colts side. That is huge. And class, what do we do when we see that many people betting on a team? All together now… we bet the other team. Also but the Texans are home underdogs here. We love home dogs. Not only that but the Texans owned the Colts last year and the Colts offense is struggling mightily while their defense is missing Bob Sanders. Don’t forget my boy Andre Davis is still playing for Houston, that’s worth at least 4 points right there.

49ERS +3 over Patriots: The Patriots have to travel cross country which is a variable I picked up from picking NCAA tournament games that certainly affects NFL games. Yeah these guys are pros, but betting the Pats because “pros are immune to jet lag” is akin to banging a prostitute without a bag because “pros are immune to STDs.” I don’t love the 49ers but they are better than a lot of people are willing to give them credit for. Frank Gore is a beast in the running game and their defense is young and fast. Tom Brady is still not taking snaps for the Patriots and their defense is still old. I love home dogs so I’ll take the points 3000 miles from Boston.

JAGUARS -4 over Steelers: The Steelers are down to their fourth running back and Big Ben is hurting. The Jags are at home and have health running backs . I foresee a Jacksonville win by at least a touchdown.
Before I go I’d like to welcome any new readers from my MBA program. I was profiled in our student magazine (that’s right I’m important) and hopefully a few of them decided to check out our dumb little site here. While I’m sure most of you will be turned off by the useless drivel spewed here at Subway Chatter, perhaps 1 or 2 of you will continue to monitor our dull ramblings, once in a while letting go of a slight chuckle. Before you go check out our featured blogs and maybe click on an ad or two.

Ouch. Another 1-3 week and my online gambling account is getting low. Come on though seriously, who thought Gus Frerotte would lead the Vikings to a win over the Panthers and who could have foreseen the Miami Dolphins score more than 36 points on their own? Worse yet (well not really), your confidence in me must be falling faster than Amy Winehouse’s panties when she spots her crack dealer. Those of you that bail on me now are destined to miss out on my long, ultra-profitable run back to the top. What do you say we begin that run this week?

But first, a quick public service announcement: David Blaine is a douche. Every single “big” stunt he does is as impressive as the New York Mets in September. Who continues to tune into that trash? I will gladly say I’ve never watched one of his specials. Everyone that does is exceedingly disappointed EVERY time. So STOP WATCHING HIS SPECIALS! I only want to see David Blaine do one trick. I’d like to see him make his pulse disappear.

On to this week’s picks (home team in caps):
Broncos – 9 ½ over CHIEFS: Like a bully in the school yard, once I find a weak target I keep hammering on them until they learn to fight back. 9 ½ points isn’t enough for Kansas City to begin to fight back. This is a ton of points to give a home team against a division opponent, but it’s the Chiefs so I’m not too worried.

PANTHERS -4 over Falcons: The Falcons have impressed some people this year, but a powder puff football team could look impressive against Detroit and Kansas City. To say the Panthers are a little better than the Lions and Chiefs is like saying that La Fin Du Monde is slightly better than Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Carolina is also at home here within the division. They’ll win by at least a touchdown.

RAMS +9 over Bills: This may surprise some people but hear me out: The Bills have become one of the darlings of the NFL this year. With every game they play more and more people jump on their bandwagon, and at this point that band wagon is getting pretty full. There is a lot of talk about the Bills winning the AFC East. There is zero talk of the Rams winning the NFC West, even though it is probably the worst division in the NFL. Most people expected the Rams to be bad this year, but now they are in the conversation for the worst team in the league (they aren’t, that distinction belongs to the Chiefs). So often when we see a matchup like this in the NFL, a team the masses love more and more each week a big favorite over a team the masses hate more and more each week. Seemingly 90% of the time the big underdog surprises everyone and either wins outright or loses on a last second field goal. For that reason alone I’m betting the Rams here, though closer to a Sunday’s worth of beers than a semester’s tuition.

Packers -1 over BUCS: I think the Packers are the better team and they are basically a pick in Tampa Bay. There’s no way Brian Griese beats me two straight weeks. After all, I’m betting AGAINST him.

Welcome everyone to the third installment of the 2008 edition of MFH’s investment advice. The first two weeks didn’t go as well as I would have hoped (at least I didn’t have you invest in Lehman), but we are slowly building momentum heading into the heart of the NFL season. The good news is that I feel better about this week’s prospects than last week (when I went .500). The bad news is that I heard a rumor that Brangelina may have broken up. That’s something that I don’t think we, as a nation, can handle right now. If Brangelina split, the terrorists may finally have won. On to the picks (home team in caps):

FALCONS -4 ½ over Chiefs: This is called learning from your mistakes. In the week 2 recap I asked how large the spread would have to be to bet on the Chiefs. Well the answer is much bigger than this. I don’t particularly love the Falcons this year but the Chiefs are terrible. And that’s with Brodie Croyle at quarterback. This week, however, Brodie Croyle will not be taking snaps for Kansas City. Can anyone guess who will be quarterbacking the Chiefs this Sunday? His name is Tyler Thigpen. No I am not making that up. I don’t know anything about Tyler Thigpen except that he wasn’t good enough to start ahead of Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard. That’s enough for me.

BEARS -3 over Bucs: Tampa looked good last week… but that was against Atlanta. Also, coach Chuckie has inexplicably pushed Jeff Garcia aside in favor of Brian Griese who, last year, wasn’t even good enough to pull off what Kyle Orton has done this year– supplant Rex Grossman as the Bears’ starting quarterback. If you can’t beat out Rex Grossman, you can’t beat the Bears this year. Speaking of Rex– I’ll use this chance to reiterate one of my most rock-solid rules for betting on the NFL: don’t bet on Rex Grossman. I developed the rule a couple years ago after numerous instances in which Rex Grossman single-handedly f&%$ed me by blowing the game (or at least the cover) in multiple acts of stupidity. I still have various images burned into my brain of the Bears being 20-points better than their opponent only to have Rex throw inexplicable interception after inexplicable interception to keep the game within three on a 5-point spread. I have more faith in Heidi Montag’s album winning a Grammy than I do in Rex Grossman not blowing a football game. Fortunately for us, Kyle Orton is starting for the Bears which provides some relief. Still, just the prospect of Kyle Orton tearing an ACL in the middle of the third quarter with a 14-point lead and then seeing Rex Grossman jog onto the field to lead the Bears frightens me more than walking through the woods alone after watching the Blair Witch Project.

Panthers +3 ½ over VIKINGS: Tavaris “maybe I should learn how to make good decisions and throw a somewhat accurate pass once in a while considering I’m a quarterback” Jackson is out as the Vikings’ starting quarterback. You’d think this would be good news for the Vikes since everyone but Brad Childress knew Jackson wasn’t going to cut it as the quarterback for a supposed Super Bowl contender. However, at least Tavaris Jackson isn’t best known for getting a concussion from PURPOSELY slamming his head into a concrete wall after scoring a touchdown (I’m looking at you, Gus Frerotte). Frerotte has completed less than 55% of his passes in his career, has a sub-.500 record as a starter, has a 74.3 QB rating, and is a straight up f%&$ing moron for concussing himself by slamming his head into a concrete wall in celebration of a touchdown. That’s just not going to get it done against the Panthers and Jake Delhomme, who has a 59.6 completion percentage, 84.9 QB rating, and no self-inflicted concussions due to utter stupidity.

PATRIOTS and Dolphins Under 36: Tom Brady isn’t back for New England. Nor is Dan Marino for Miami. The Dolphins scored 10 points against the Cardinals (who don’t exactly have a defense that reminds anyone of the ’85 Bears) and 14 against the Jets in week 1. The Patriots were only able to muster 17 against the Chiefs (who subsequently gave up 23 points to the “high-powered” Raiders offense) and 19 against the Jets last week. The moral of the story is that these two teams score about as often as the finalists in the World of Warcraft championships. It’s highly unlikely that, when put together, they both put up more than two touchdowns.

Last week was less than ideal. I went 1-3 against the spread in my opening week and Tom Brady went down for the season. Now I am far from a Patriots fan, but I did bet a decent amount of money that they’d win more than 12 ½ games. Ouch. Because of their weak schedule, there is actually still a chance the Patriots win 13-plus, and who knows, maybe Matt Cassel is the new Tom Brady. Anyway, the way I look at things, I’m due for a good week. I hope that’s the case because as I look over the games for this weekend I don’t see anything that is very appealing. Here’s a few examples:

Patriots +2 ½ at Jets: The Patriots are GETTING points!? Oh yeah, Tom Brady is gone and the guy they are trusting to run things hasn’t started a game since high school. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Colts –1 ½ at Vikings: The Colts looked bad in week one and they are giving up points on the road. Oh but wait, they’re playing the Vikings and last I checked Tavaris Jackson is still the Viking quarterback.

49ers +8 ½ at Seahawks: Things are so bad in Seattle that I received a phone call earlier tonight about playing wide receiver for the Seahawks this week. Seriously though, Seattle is missing their top four pass catchers and Matt Hasselbeck is having back problems. All of this and they are giving up more than a touchdown. But before you get too excited, look again at their opponent. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Next.

Steelers – 5 ½ at Browns: The Browns came into this season a bit overrated and the Steelers looked very good last week. But the Browns aren’t a bad team (in fact they may have the best offensive line in the league) and they are 5 ½-point dogs at home. You can’t ignore the home dog factor. You may want to bet this one, but I’d rather not.

So those are some games I won’t be betting on, let’s see if we can find a few worth taking a shot at (HOME TEAM IN CAPS):

BRONCOS + 2 over Chargers: The Broncos were impressive in week 1 (albeit against Oakland) and the offense should be even better with the return of Brandon Marshall and will be playing at home. On the visitor’s sideline San Diego will be without Shawn Marriman who finally realized that five different doctors may actually know what they’re talking about. And if all that weren’t enough, Phillip Rivers, AKA the west coast Rex Grossman, quarterbacks the Chargers.

CHIEFS -3 ½ over Raiders: I didn’t like the Chiefs heading into the season and I still don’t think they are all that good, but they did show me something against the Patriots even before Tom Terrific went down. Oh, and JaMarcus Russell is the Raiders’ quarterback.

Saints + ½ over REDSKINS: The Saints are the only team I bet last week that actually worked out. Any good gambler knows when to stick with what works.

Packers -2 ½ over LIONS: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

So your bank account is getting a little low huh? Lost some money betting horses and bought a few too many drinks for a few too many girls who had no interest in you? Well there’s no need to fret my friend because the NFL is back and MFH is here to make you some money again this year. Last year I won at a more than 60% clip including 10 of 11 wins in the playoffs and I’m looking to ride that momentum right into the beginning of this season. I promise nothing, but I hope to improve on last year’s figure and win 65%+ of my bets. Because I am always completely honest with you, my people, I will be forthright and tell you that I was not able to spend a whole lot of time on week 1’s bets. Somehow orientation for my graduate program must last all day every day for two straight weeks (that and I put off some reading and an online assignment I was supposed to do until the last minute).

Almost every year the Vegas odds makers –- generous souls that they are — give us a week one gift to get our confidence up so we (well not me of course, but most gamblers) let our guards down and blow triple our gambling budget based on a false confidence in Phillip Rivers’ quarterbacking abilities. Two years ago that gift was the Bengals as underdogs in Kansas City. I recognized it and cashed in big. Last year the philanthropists in Vegas gave us the wonderful gift of Denver getting points against the Bills. Although the game was closer than I had anticipated, Denver did win outright. Well Vegas has gotten its Scrooge on because this year there is no such gift. There’s one game that’s close, but it contains one serious red flag that keeps me from giving it “lock” status. Regardless, I think there are some nice opportunities to make money this week. Here they are:

Jags -3 over TITANS: The Jaguars may wind up being the best team in their division (a division they share with the Colts by the way). The Titans are solid up front, but I don’t yet trust Vince Young, nor do I like big fat LenDale White at running back. The Jags are good. Their defense is really good. David Gerrard won’t wow anyone but he won’t make mistakes and that’s what it would take for the Titans to win this game. I don’t think the Titans will be able to score more than seven points. Meanwhile the Jags should be able to put up at least 14.

SAINTS -3 over Bucs: Two division foes who were surprise teams from last year. The Bucs were surprisingly good (not so much to me, but to most people) and the Saints were surprisingly bad. Tampa Bay went from worst to first in the NFC south. This year they will not repeat as division champs. The Panthers and Saints are both better teams. I think the Bucs will surprise to the downside a bit this year while the Saints (as long as they can get their offensive line together) are the best team in the division. The Saints are at home which is worth 3 ½ points. They are only favored by three and are the better team. You do the math.

Rams + 8 over EAGLES: I think the Rams are this year’s Tampa Bay Buccanears. People forget about the injuries that plagued them last season and are ready to doom St. Louis to another terrible season of three to six wins. I don’t see that happening. They play in a pitiful division and (for now) are relatively healthy. That doesn’t have much to do with this Sunday’s game except that I don’t think people are giving the Rams enough credit coming into this season and that includes Vegas declaring them underdogs by more than a touchdown to the Eagles. The Eagles are good, but they aren’t great. I do think Philly wins, but I think it’s a touchdown or less.

Vikings + 2 ½ over PACKERS: I understand this game is a Monday night game at Lambeau and I did warn against overlooking the home on a Monday night factor when I picked the Bills to beat the spread against the Cowboys last year on Monday night (which they did) and possibly win outright (which they almost did). However, I usually count the home on Monday night factor with underdogs and the Packers are favored here. I just can’t help myself when presented with the opportunity to bet on the clearly better team getting points against a quarterback in his first ever professional start. The Vikings have the better offensive and defensive lines, and up front is where a football game is won. If this game weren’t a Monday nighter at Lambeau I’d call this the near yearly week one gift from the Vegas odds makers. This is, however, my favorite game this week.

Oh by the way: Giants 1-0 overall, 1-0 in the division.