Everyone’s saying all the “right” things in light of this event, the oft-used “I can’t believe this happened,” and “What a travesty,” and whatever else sounds like something we’d expect them to say, but honestly, how can anyone even be remotely surprised by this? If you spend the last 20 years completely emasculating every male on the planet, doping them up with ritalin every time they show even a hint of precociousness (thankfully I’m not speaking from experience here), and convincing them that even the slightest form of aggressive behavior demonstrates their true inner-chauvinist, then someone had to step in and fill the void and these amazons were all too willing. But seriously, look at all that feminism has accomplished: now women everywhere can say, unabashedly, that they are finally our equal… right down to getting into massive brawls at professional sporting events.

By the way, what is in the Gatorade in Detroit? First there was the “Malice at the Palace,” and now a sequel? Every time I watch a game there (and by “watch” I mean “catch the highlights” because I’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my finger nails than watch more than 20-seconds of Chickball) it’s like that scene from Little Nicky where all hell breaks lose at the basketball game. And what was Rick Mahorn thinking here? Clearly he misinterpreted Chris Rock’s famous tutorial on domestic violence. It’s “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll shake the sh*t out of her,” not “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll throw her down in front of 15,000 people and make sure ESPN catches me doing it on 20-different camera angles.” Though I will say this– it’s hilarious when something embarrassing happens to a chick. Whether it be a girl falling down in public, or getting hit in the head by a random foreign object (get your mind out of the gutter, people), it’s always good for a laugh. I’m sorry it came at the hands of Rick Mahorn assaulting Lisa Leslie in this instance, but hey, sometimes that’s the price you pay for high comedy.

PS– Forget the disaster you watched up there, this is how God intended for women to fight:

Yeah, throw that towel right in Danica’s face, Milka. What’s with the dudes trying to break this thing up? Freakin’ amateurs.

I don’t know what I’m more pissed about: the fact that our playoff hopes just took another big hit today, or that I traded Kevin Youkilis for Jorgie a couple weeks back in one of my fantasy leagues. Considering Jose Molina’s defensive prowess won’t have nearly the same impact on my fantasy squad as it does in real life (and that I’m jockeying for 1st place and stand to pocket 300-bones if I win the title), I’m gonna go with the latter. Either way, all that posturing B-Ca$h has been doing about how we don’t necessarily need to make a trade for another bat, and how our offense will come around, and blah blah blah just went out the window faster than a freshman at NYU…

No spoiler alerts here. I wanna make sure a good majority of you see this movie in all its surprise-filled splendor before I review it/ruin major portions of it. In fulfilling my duties as SC Nation’s utmost authority on worthy-of-seeing-ASAP movie titles (as if anyone needed to tell you to go see The Dark Knight anyway), I went and saw it at 12:45am last night, er, this morning– which, by the way, is a great way to hype a flick. You basically create the perception that the movie is so ridiculously amazing, no one should be able to wait until the afternoon or evening of the day it comes out to see it, so they must abandon all rational behavior and stay up till 4 in the morning to see it despite the fact that they have work the next morning. Needless to say, all those corporate marketeers earned their paychecks: my showing sold out (thankfully I got my tix online) and just to be sure I wasn’t off-base on what a great idea this is, I asked the theater’s manager how the 3am showing did on my way out (loser-ish behavior, I know) and, surprise surprise, that one sold out too.

Of course, it also helps when the movie you’re hyping is the greatest superhero flick of all time. In fact, it’s not even close at this point; you’ll never be able to watch the first Batman with a straight face again and the Spiderman franchise might as well be a Disney Channel series after this. My only complaint was with Maggie Gyllenhall playing the role of Rachel Dawes (apparently Katie Holmes is still chained to the bedpost in Tom Cruise’s room and wasn’t available to reprise the role). Obviously the producer and/or director are either gay or have terrible taste in women because (VERY SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT!) there is no way in a million years I’m buying the fact that Batman and the District Attorney of Gotham City would both be vying for the affection that broomhilda. Me personally, I would’ve cast Megan Fox, especially taking into consideration the other chicks you see Bruce Wayne with throughout the film (it’s a fairly precipitous drop off when you go from this chick to this one if you ask me). See, there’s even some eye candy (and a Lambo towards the end)! Like I said, this movie does not disappoint. That said, the special affects were so out of control to begin with (think Terminator 2 meets Batman Begins) that adding Megan Fox to the mix would’ve caused every male in the theater to go into cardiac arrest half-way through the movie. So, I guess for that reason alone it was probably a good idea to go with Gyllenhall and keep everyone’s blood pressure down. Anyway, stop reading this and start making plans to go see it. Chuck Wipple just bought his tickets online and I suggest you do the same.

As I watched the stock market open substantially higher this morning only to drop all the way into negative territory, I needed something to cheer me up. I got it in the form of wonderful news. No, the Giants didn’t make a Madden-like trade of Jeremy Shockey for Champ Bailey. No, Tila Tequila was not killed in a fiery automobile accident. And unfortunately, Fox isn’t bringing back Temptation Island (as far as I know). The great news I received was that Billy Packer is out as a college basketball color man for CBS. This was the best news coming from the broadcasting industry since ESPN told Joe Theismann to hit the bricks last year. For some inexplicable reason, Packer has been the go-to analyst for the Final Four for the past 34 years (7 with NBC and 27 with CBS). Finally, for the first time in my life, college basketball fans will be mercifully reprieved from our punishment for loving the NCAA tournament –- listening to Billy Packer.

“Fudge,” as he was known in some circles, constantly filled his two hours of airtime with comments that were either obvious, annoying, dead wrong, or not really dead wrong but still ridiculously stupid. One of the things that annoyed people most about “Fudge” was his arrogance. Comment after comment reeked of Billy knowing he was smarter than everyone else in the world when it came to basketball. What annoyed me most about Packer was his insecurity, which manifested itself in Billy incessantly pointing out where a previous comment of his was actually (more or less) on the mark. For example Billy might open the game saying something like, “Jordan may have a tough time scoring on Thomas tonight. Thomas is one of the best defenders in the country.” And then EVERY time Jordan touched the ball and didn’t score we’d have to hear Billy chime in with a comment like:

“You see Jim? Jordan missed that shot because Thomas was all over him.”

“See what I mean? Jordan is trying to go to the hole but he just can’t get past Thomas.”

“Are you seeing this? Jordan can’t do anything against Thomas– as I said, he’s a great defender.”

“Remember when I said Thomas was going to be able to stop Jordan? Jordan just passed the ball into the post because he knows he can’t do anything with Thomas guarding him.”

“Coach Williams just sat Jordan because even he knows Jordan doesn’t stand a chance of scoring on Thomas– just what I said earlier.”

“See how Jordan just hit his first three? Remember I said he won’t be able to score on Thomas, well Thomas is on the bench.”

“Again, like I said, Thomas comes back into the game and Jordan misses another shot.”

At which point I’m now yelling at the TV: “But Thomas had switched off on the pick and was guarding someone else and Jordan had a WIDE OPEN shot you jackass!” But I think you get the point.

As awful as Packer was as a color commentator (and make no mistake about it, he was awful) I actually backed him during his most recent “controversy.” After the Kansas-North Carolina semifinal game this past season Packer caught a lot of heat for proclaiming, “The game is over” when the Jayhawks took a 38-12 lead, only to watch the Tar Heels cut the lead to 4 midway through the second half. That wasn’t the first time an analyst prematurely called the end to a lopsided game and it surely won’t be the last. I much prefer this type of “error” to the announcer who tells me that a twenty point game with two and a half minutes left is still in question because “stranger things have happened” or “you never know.” Yes I do. This one is over.

But I digress. Back to Billy Packer sucking as a color commentator. CBS could have chosen anyone (except Susan Waldman) to replace Packer and I would be satisfied. I wouldn’t care if they hired John the Stutterer from Howard Stern (not to be confused with Stuttering John) or Corky from “Life Goes On” to do color commentary for college basketball, as long as Billy Packer isn’t there it’s a net gain in my book. But instead of Corky CBS went with someone who has some basketball knowledge and gave the Final Four color commentary job to Clark Kellog. Personally I would have liked to see Bill Raftry get a shot, but I have no complaints about Kellog. He’s very knowledgeable and passionate about college basketball. Kellog is interesting and engaging while lacking the obnoxiousness and pompousness Packer exudes. With this move CBS has guaranteed that the NCAA tournament will be at least seven times more pleasant to watch than in years-past. Now if we could just get ABC and ESPN to drop Bill Walton.

I heard this jewel of a phone message on the Opie and Anthony show (mornings on K-Rock). It’s a series of phone messages he left a girl he met on the street in Toronto. I’ve listened to it four times myself and laugh harder every time. I didn’t think it could get any funnier until I read up on the back story. Apparently this Casanova used to be a physician but lost his license after pleading guilty to sexual impropriety after multiple female patients accused him of touching them inappropriately. Classy. He then took on the persona “Dimitri the Lover” and became a pick-up guru. He actually charges poor suckers money for lessons on how to pick up women. After listening again to the audio I couldn’t help but wonder who would pay money for instructions from this guy? It’d be like asking Carl Lewis for singing lessons. However, even more embarrassing than taking lessons from this chump is being one of the dumb girls he actually successfully bedded. Because you know there are at least a few. Once this message came to light and radio shows syndicated across the country, not to mention millions of people on the internet, were mercilessly destroying this loser for his lack of ability to interact with women, how awful do you feel knowing you let this douche of all douches stuff you a few months back? Now, without further ado, I give you Dimitri the Douche:

http://view.break.com/527579

Now that I listen to it again, what’s wrong with this bitch? He’s great in bed, makes great money. He’s a complete catch. He’s one of the few men in the city with nothing wrong with them. She’s been abused as a child, has a cancerous mother, and has an anxiety disorder. Not to mention she’s passive aggressive. She’s lucky he even gave her the time of day.

While listening to Dimitri the Douche’s series of messages I was reminded of some other douchey messages I’d heard from the internet (both also discovered through the Opie and Anthony Show – mornings on K-Rock):

The first is SHAMEFULLY HILARIOUS. Troy is a different type of douche, but a douche nonetheless. He made a tape for his girlfriend Melissa for their 6-month anniversary (a tape dubbed on the internet as “Troy’s mixtape of love”). It is FOURTEEN minutes of Troy telling Melissa how much he loves her… oh and he sings towards the end, which is priceless. I have NEVER gotten the douche chills as quickly or as badly as I did listening to this foolishness. It is such a humiliating tape that I would have more respect for Troy if he were caught on video willingly being the object of an all-male gang bang. Part of me felt bad for the kid knowing how many people ended up hearing this tape, but the larger, much more dominant part of me laughed my balls off and hoped to God I’d hear that she dumped his sorry ass the very next day. My favorite aspect of this recording may be the fact that he mumbles his way through it, showing a complete lack of confidence in it, as if he knows how much of a douche he is and a part of him doesn’t even want Melissa to hear it. Well that and the first five seconds… and the singing… and well, just about everything - it’s beyond funny. They should fire every operator at the suicide hotline and just play this tape to whoever calls in. The caller will think, “I’ve had some shitty things go on recently, but G-damn at least I’m not this much of a loser. Just knowing that somewhere out there this whale’s vagina is still walking the earth is enough to keep me fighting the good fight.” I know whenever I get down about something I listen to this file and immediately feel infinitely better about myself. Thank you Troy.

The third file is a series of voice mail messages from yet a different type of douche. This hard ass met a chick on J-Date and went on two dates with her. The messages are post date number two. In them Darren shows that he’s been too busy PERPETUATING STEREOTYPES to learn how to deal with women:

The Perils Of Using JDate

Hey Darren, I don’t think you took things quite far enough. Enjoy… I sure did.

This past weekend, Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer played what may very well be the greatest match ever played at Wimbledon. For me, it absolutely was, and the reason is because it was the only tennis I’ve really ever watched, and despite the rain delays, it was kind of ridiculous. The speed with which those guys hit the ball and the way they dive and give up their bodies is worthy of admiration. Go on YouTube and find a video and watch a little bit of it, even if you don’t like tennis. It would be well worth your time… especially if you’re at work and the boss isn’t around.

When you watch two guys running around in little white shorts, you hope to picture something that makes you remember that you like chicks. So keep in mind that Lilo had a birthday party this weekend and it was a prom theme, and while she rocked a nice dress, her lesbian DJ rocked a tux, and I’m pretty sure it looked something like this:

And in sports news, the Brewers acquired CC Sabathia and the Cubs got Rich Harden. Not like the Yankees needed pitching per se, but a consistent bat that doesn’t sh*t the bed everytime some teammates start slumping would’ve been a nice change. I guess we’ll just wait and see what B-Ca$h does to F the Bronx Bombers before Turkey Neck Hank gives Ca$h the boot.

Finally, A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce. She’s banging Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod has a geriatric fetish tossing it into the aged roast beef that is Madonna. Being the starting 3rd baseman of the Yankees should warrant him better a$$ than that… amateur.

How ironic that our season would die on the day America was born. Oh well, time for some more of what makes America great: hot chicks in American flag bathing suits…

HAPPY 4TH EVERYONE!!!

Clearly it is. We’re celebrating our Independence tomorrow, and as if cook-outs, firework shows, and gorgeous women at said firework shows aren’t enough to demonstrate why we are the greatest country on God’s green Earth, then we’ve also got Yankees-Red Sox going down this weekend just to confirm it. I honestly don’t even know what to with myself I’m so excited… though I should probably make a prediction before I kick off the pre-4th festivities in a few hours: obviously this series has the potential to put a damper on the weekend should the Yanks continue to go the way of A-rod’s taste in women. But as bad as we’ve been recently, the Sox have been worse. Yanks take 3 of 4.

While taking a break from watching the Yankees forget to show up to play the Rangers, I started flipping channels and saw that the Olympic Swimming Trials were taking place in Nebraska and decided to watch it for a little bit. The one thing that I discovered in tenths of a second is that Michael Phelps is a real life Aquaman. The kid (he just turned 23 two days ago) holds a dozen or so world records and, in one event in particular, the 200M butterfly, he hasn’t lost since 2002! I know swimming isn’t the most entertaining thing to watch, and the Olympics don’t exactly have people planning parties around the the Men’s Rings event, but the qualifying events are somewhat ridiculous to watch, especially when Phelps swims like a Scientologist sperm towards the back of Tom Cruise’s throat.

On a side note…why wouldn’t Mexicans hold the world records for swimming?

Staying on the subject of water and marine-related animals and whatnot, Steve Phillips stated that the AL East was going to come down to the Red Sox and the Rays. Hey Steve, we’re only half-way through the season and you’d pick youth and inexperience over the Yanks? Didn’t you also pick the Yanks not to make the playoffs last year around the same time? Maybe because you and the Mets split ways you’re a little biased towards New York? Putz.

On a totally unrelated topic (although avoiding possible STDs could be like the 100-yard dash), Tila Tequila wound up choosing Kristy from my home town, Yonkers, New York, and Kristy (Whose a$$ is f*ckin legit. I mean you could put a drink on it and it wouldn’t move, yet if she decided to bounce it up and down, it would jiggle in only the way that a guy can appreciate) turned down the key to Tila’s heart. (Editor’s Update: here is a shot of Kristy’s a$$ for you all to marvel at. I haven’t seen such a juicy caboose since my boy Archie bounced a quarter off my ex-girlfriend’s roommate’s bubble-bum a few years back and I nearly got my eyes scratched out.)

After Tila started crying, she asked why Kristy would wait until the final moment of the show to tell Tila she wasn’t game. Hmm, let me think– maybe because for 2 seasons you’ve made out with and finger banged, or actually banged, 40 or so people? And I still have no idea why you’re famous.

So Saturday night MFH and I were at one of our favorite spots, and the DJ was spinning a lot of old school Jay-Z, Biggie, etc. And it got us thinking– how much does today’s rap suck? Every song has pretty much the same bass-line going on with those crazy sirens playing in the background and the lyrics don’t even make any sense, most likely because all the good ones were burned up by the late 90s. That being the case, does this spoof video count as good rap considering the song itself ain’t half-bad and the lyrics are wittier than anything we’ve heard since “The Life and Times of S.Carter, Vol. 3″? I’d have to say “Yes, yes it does.” But even if you don’t agree, you gotta admit– it’s pretty freakin’ funny.

Warning: The following blog entry is rated “M” for Men. Women who are easily offended are strongly urged to skip this entry and move on to Monnie D’s latest discussion of the Yankees or Chuck Wipple’s tear-soaked piece about the Mets still sucking. This is the most vicious and tasteless blog entry Subway Chatter has posted. It’s despicable, but some will love it. That being said I welcome all hate mail: mfh@subwaychatter.com. Now, in the spirit of the Maxim Hot 100, which was recently released, and drawing upon our long-established history of rating women, I give you the Subway Chatter “Not 100” (divided by 10)…

You know how you’ll be watching TV and you see a chick on the screen and a bunch of your buddies launch into how hot she is, leaving you sitting there thinking, “I find her about as sexually stimulating as the show Fear Factor?” Or you listen to someone on the television go on and on about how beautiful a chick is and you just sit there flabbergasted? I’ve recently experienced a few of those moments decided I had to sit down and compile this list. Here is a list of the top 10 women people find hot that just aren’t.

10. Evangeline Lilly (“Kate” from Lost)

She’s OK, I’d give her like a 6, but come on, so many guys talk about how hot she is and she’s only the 4th or 5th hottest chick that‘s been on the show (most of the others have been killed off unfortunately).

9. Lindsay Lohan

I’m not big on the freckles all over a body which at times isn’t that great. To me big boobs on a young chick doesn’t automatically make her hot. All that being said I’d still tag her and not even have to be drunk. Sometimes she looks kind of good, sometimes not so much. No way should she be top ten in the Maxim Hot 100. Sidebar - When she first became popular well before all of the coke allegations my buddy told a story about how a friend of his found a wallet on the sidewalk in New York and looked inside and found out it was Lindsey Lohan’s. Upon further inspection he found a small bag of coke. We weren’t sure how much to believe him. Fast forward about a year and half and she’s driving under the influence with coke in the car.

8. Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway? Really? Come on. My buddy Alvie won’t like this (Editor’s note: and neither will Consiglieri) but I don’t know why guys consider ol’ camel-face hot. What is it exactly that makes her pretty? Her grapefruit sized eyes or her alligator mouth? She looks like the chick in high school who was always awkward and unattractive and then one summer she grew into her body and came back junior year with a pretty nice rack, but still has that face. And your buddy comes up to you and says, “Damn, Anne got hot!” But you remind him that just because she’s hot-ter doesn’t mean she’s hot. Yeah she went from a 3 ½ to a 5 ½ or 6, but she’s still a 5 ½ or 6. And you tell him to concentrate on Christina, who went from a 9 down to an 8 and although she’s an 8, that loss of a point hurt her self esteem just enough that she may actually give your buddy a chance. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Anne Hathaway - not that hot. It looks like this camel mated with this big-eyed bastard, and she was the resulting offspring.

7. Mary Kate Olsen

You know how when the Olsen Twins were 16 and 17 and people were eagerly anticipating their turning legal? I won’t argue there certainly was some potential there. Well the payoff was almost as bad as the payoff at the end of The Village. It was a waste of potential on par with Mark Prior. For Mark Prior it was injuries that killed his mojo, for the Olsen twins it appears to be anorexia. This is nice. Skeleton-like - not so much. I actually don’t know which one is which, this may or may not be Mary Kate. Which brings us to…

7a. Ashley Olsen

This very well may be the same one as above, I just don’t know, but does it really matter?

6. Beyonce

From the waist up she looks good, but her legs and hips are HUGE! I’m sorry but I have a hard time finding a chick whose legs are twice the circumference of mine attractive. If she got her legs wrapped around me I’m quite certain she would crush me like a beer can on Blutarsky’s head.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker

I know every woman on the planet loves her show, but a word to the few broads who didn’t head my warning at the top of this piece: you do not want to look like any of the women on the show and frankly you don’t want to act like any of them either. Alright, so not many people call SJP hot, but a small number have tried and she certainly has tried to pass herself off as a sex symbol in Sex and the City as well as that make-up or hair commercial that she’s been in recently. Sorry horse-face, I’m not buying it.

4. Laura Prepon

I saw her Maxim spread a few years ago. I burned that issue. Next.

3. Serena Williams

(Given that this is a sports site, I needed to get an athlete on this list) Please nobody tell her she’s on this list, she could kill me with her bear hands (no, that’s not a typo). This “chick” could play linebacker for the Steelers. I’m sorry but any “female” that I would give a legitimate shot to run over Ray Lewis if you gave “her” a football does not strike me as attractive. I don’t hear very often that she’s attractive but Mike Wilbon, among others, often calls her beautiful on PTI and I always yell at the TV “She is ENOURMOUS!” or “She’s a beast you jackass!” He has yet to hear me through the screen.

2. Rose McGowan

Speaking as a pale man myself I have to say she’s just too pale. I’m a pale Irishman and standing next to her I’d look like Wesley Snipes (just as ripped mind you). Rumor has it when she walks in front of a white wall she actually disappears, all you see if floating black hair. On top of that she simply isn’t attractive at all. I’d rather watch soccer than hook up with Rose McGowan. I will concede that she looked pretty good in Grindhouse but my guess is that’s just good camera and lighting work by an inarguably great director.

1. Drew Barrymore

I’m probably going to piss off some females with this selection (not that they could get this far without hating me) because girls seem to really like her, but I’m sorry sweetheart, Drew Barrymore is NOT ATTRACTIVE. In Poison Ivy she looked ok, but that was quickly overshadowed by Alyssa Milano in Poison Ivy 2 and Jamie Pressley in Poison Ivy 3 – two women who are indeed hot. Charlie’s Angels reminded me of that game on Sesame Street, “which of these things is not like the others?” I don’t think Cameron Diaz looked fantastic in that and I’m not a big fan of Lucy Liu, but they still far outshined Drew. Drew Barrymore is like the girl next door…if you live in Buffalo (those who’ve lived in Buffalo know what I’m talking about here). Recently I was reminded that she was in E.T. and I actually thought for a moment she played E.T.’s alien love interest. In case you can’t tell, I’m sick of Hollywood casting Drew Barrymore in roles where she’s supposed to be cute or sexy. She’s not.

If you have a problem with anyone on this list feel free to let me hear about it. But be ready for me to mercilessly tear you a new one for your atrocious taste in women.

Q: Brian Runge bumped Manuel last night then ejected him? He also ejected Carlos Beltran? What nationality are they?

A: Hispanic.

A: Well, there ya go.

Imus’ point when he tried to explain why he said what he said and do some damage control does have some validity: how many white athletes are being charged with weapons possession, domestic violence, and drugs? A helluva lot less than those athletes of a darker persuasion, and not just because they don’t do any of those things.

As for Runge’s instigation… he wouldn’t wanna try that with Ozzie Guillen, who probably has a switch-blade (I can use Hispanic stereotypes like that, I’m half-Cuban), or Joey G, who’s pretty jacked, or Lou P, who would rip up first base and stick it up Runge’s bum sideways. Now if it were Ed Hochuli behind the plate, he could call me Mary of Francine and I would skip-to-my-lou my darling, because he’s a monster.

This weekend I saw Get Smart. I used to watch it on Nick at Nite and it was pretty funny back in the day. Well, the big screen version was no disappointment as Steve Carrel made you almost pee yourself in playing Maxwell Smart. Duane “The Rock” Johnson also makes an appearance as the Great Khali, both from the WWE.

However the most intriguing performance was that of Anne Hathway. Once Disney’s little princess, she is now a legitimate sex kitten. She’s asked to use her sex appeal in a variety of situations and, I gotta tell ya, it works.

I usually don’t do movie reviews, well, because this is a sports site (although variety and the like has never been discouraged), but I would strongly encourage going to see Get Smart because it’s funny and Anne Hathaway can get it.

To touch on some sports issues though:

1. Shaq’s freestyle was rabbitish and a little weak… Kobe, you could eat my a$$? Very original. Could’ve went with suck my [beep], but a$$ was definitely more crowd-friendly.

2. On a somewhat related note, Ozzie Guillen went freaking nuts two weeks or so ago saying how everyone and everything basically could eat his a$$, and the White Sox have played legitimate baseball since then.

3. Willie Randolph was supposedly doomed before he could get a bona fide crack at turning the Mets around this season… and after last year’s collapse like a back alley boob job, it wasn’t really a surprise. New York is all about winning and if you don’t, your job is in jeopardy… unless you coach the Knicks, then you have a few years and a gajillion dollars before to blow before you’re ousted.

4. “Pacman” Jones no longer wishes to be referred to by his nickname and strictly wants to be known as Adam Jones. I guess it’s easier than having to remember “Prison Number 736492128.”

5. Interleague play is a stellar idea that should be continued as long as possible. Sure, it might take some of the glamour away from the World Series, but in all reality, it’s one of the only times a number of fans can see their teams play with the big dogs in the AL. You can thank us in advance for your best attendance numbers of the season, Pittsburgh Pirates.

6. Maria Sharapova said she would be wearing less flashy clothes at Wimbeldon… and we would continue to watch her play why?

7. Roger Federer extended his win streak on grass courts to 60 straight… why do I feel like this guy does not pull as much a$$ as he should? And if he does, I wanna see what kind of caliber he is pulling, just so I can decide if growing my hair out that long is worth it.

8. Anne Hathaway… just needed to make a shout-out one more time.

The most disappointing part of this whole “freestyle” — if we can even call it that because it’s pretty obvious Shaq’s been rehearsing this since last week; think about it, how many freestyles can you think of off the top of your head that have a chorus — has to be the “Kobe, tell me how my a$$ tastes” line ’cause it really makes no sense whatsoever. I mean I get it, Shaq doesn’t like Kobe, but the only time you’d be tasting something is if you put it in your mouth, and I’m almost positive Shaq’s backside isn’t fitting inside Kobe’s face. I’m guessing he was trying to go with Mike Tyson’s infamous “How my ‘dic-tate’” line here, which is obviously more anatomically appropriate, and just botched it. Oh, you mean the Tyson thing was just the punchline for a bad joke? K, nevermind then. The Ewing thing kinda pisses me off though. Shaq can loose weight faster than he can make a free throw, yet he sees fit to attack the greatest jump-shooting center in NBA history? I don’t remember Shaq winning any championships by himself the way Pat was asked to every year. Dis’ Kobe all you want, you fat bastard, but John Starks he is not.

At the end of the day, it’s comforting to know that ballplayers are just like the rest of us– they put their pants on one jealous, green-with-envy leg at a time:

In a Sports Illustrated survey of 495 Major League Baseball players in its June 23 issue, Jeter was voted the most overrated with 10% of the vote. Struggling Giants lefthander Barry Zito was second at 9%, while Alex Rodriguez and Red Sox outfielder J.D. Drew were tied for third with 7%. Mets third baseman David Wright and Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis tied for fourth at 4%…

Padres designated hitter Tony Clark, who was a teammate of Jeter’s and Rodriguez’s on the 2004 Yankees, laughed off the results, calling it a case of envy. “The first poll I would 100% agree with,” Clark said of building a team around Jeter and A-Rod. “The second poll I would suggest is more jealousy on guys’ part, in respect to how talented those two guys are, the success they’ve had. I think it has a lot to do with that.”

Um, you think so, Tony? Now let me just preface what I’m about to say by pointing out that I’m not the biggest Jeter or A-rod apologist in the world; the 14-year-old in me stills loves Jeter’s clutchness, but the the 20-something-year-old me has grown to hate his inning-ending double plays and has never really warmed to A-rod (though if he keeps this up, A-rod will start to rival Mariano for the right to be called my man crush). That said, it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here. Think about it– if Maxim comes to you tomorrow and asks “If you’re out trying to pick up the hottest chicks on the planet, who would you want your wingmen to be?” without hesitation you’d say, “Derek Jeter, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, or the lead singer from Maroon 5 (whatever the f@#k his name is).” But if they turn around and ask you, “Who do you hate with a passion, if for no other reason than they have a$$loads of money and get with chicks you could never dream of because they’re so hot your mind wouldn’t even be able to comprehend it?” you’d reply, “Derek Jeter, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, and that Maroon 5 dude.”

I mean this might as well be in the Bible or something because it’s the oldest example of oxymoronic human behavior out there. Seriously, everyone wants to benefit from someone else’s greatness, but in the end, everyone hates that person for being great in the first place. The thought process is pretty simple: “if I want to win a championship, I know I’m not that great on my own, so I’m going to need a guy on my team who already has 532 career homeruns and is on pace to be the all-time homerun leader, and, come to think of it, I’ll also need a shortstop who’s gonna get 3,000 hits and already has 4 World Championships. Ah, but f@#k them. They steal all the hotties when we’re out, make millions in endorsements, and have the fattest contracts to boot. I should have all that sh*t too. I’m just as good as them… only I’m not, so I might as well just hate them for being better than me.” Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I’ve seen people do this enough in my own life — as I’m sure many of you have too — to know that this kind of thing happens all too often. So the next time some guy at the bar calls you a douchebag for stealing the gorgeous girl he was going after, or hates on you in the office because you have a higher salary than he does, just know that it’s because you’re better than him, and everyone knows it… even if they say otherwise.