And the answer to that question would be a resounding, “Yes, yes I would say that.” This is kind of unprecedented though– who would’ve ever imagined that a professional sports league would have to try to guilt people into watching their product? Sadly though, this is nothing new as far as male/female relations go. I mean if the WNBA was trying to avoid gender stereotyping, they pretty much played into the oldest one in the book with the whole guilt trip thing here. It’s something women have been proficient in for years (i.e., “Oh so you want to hang out with your friends on Sunday instead of me? (Tear, sniffle) Clearly you like them more than you like me.”), but the fact that it has now become the premise for a national ad campaign just shows how out of control this whole feminism thing has gotten.

Now am I saying that women are less intelligent than men? Absolutely not. The only people left on the planet who still believe that force their wives to wear burkhas. But there’s a fundamental reason why people don’t watch women’s sports, and it’s something that no amount of women’s lib propaganda can undo: women can’t jump as high, hit a ball as far, or run as fast as their male counterparts. Bottom line is, people will always feel as though they are watching a second-rate product when it comes to women’s sports. So just let it go, you crazy bra-burners– no amount of insinuating that we are bigots for thinking the WNBA sucks will get us to watch it.

Forget the new Madden, this game is going to RULE:

She’s plump, powerful and ready to cause more controversy than “SuperSize Me.” She’s Fat Princess, the star of Sony’s upcoming video game of the same name. Debuting at last week’s E3 expo, the colorful Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.

According to popular gaming blog Joystiq, two feminist gaming sites have already voiced their displeasure with the weighty issue. Feminist Gamer’s “Mighty Ponygirl” rings in diplomatically, suggesting a new way to play the game altogether. “Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest. The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry,” she said, before adding, “Oh, but that’s not as “cute” as cake and fat chicks. Right.”

EXACTLY!

Everyone’s saying all the “right” things in light of this event, the oft-used “I can’t believe this happened,” and “What a travesty,” and whatever else sounds like something we’d expect them to say, but honestly, how can anyone even be remotely surprised by this? If you spend the last 20 years completely emasculating every male on the planet, doping them up with ritalin every time they show even a hint of precociousness (thankfully I’m not speaking from experience here), and convincing them that even the slightest form of aggressive behavior demonstrates their true inner-chauvinist, then someone had to step in and fill the void and these amazons were all too willing. But seriously, look at all that feminism has accomplished: now women everywhere can say, unabashedly, that they are finally our equal… right down to getting into massive brawls at professional sporting events.

By the way, what is in the Gatorade in Detroit? First there was the “Malice at the Palace,” and now a sequel? Every time I watch a game there (and by “watch” I mean “catch the highlights” because I’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my finger nails than watch more than 20-seconds of Chickball) it’s like that scene from Little Nicky where all hell breaks lose at the basketball game. And what was Rick Mahorn thinking here? Clearly he misinterpreted Chris Rock’s famous tutorial on domestic violence. It’s “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll shake the sh*t out of her,” not “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll throw her down in front of 15,000 people and make sure ESPN catches me doing it on 20-different camera angles.” Though I will say this– it’s hilarious when something embarrassing happens to a chick. Whether it be a girl falling down in public, or getting hit in the head by a random foreign object (get your mind out of the gutter, people), it’s always good for a laugh. I’m sorry it came at the hands of Rick Mahorn assaulting Lisa Leslie in this instance, but hey, sometimes that’s the price you pay for high comedy.

PS– Forget the disaster you watched up there, this is how God intended for women to fight:

Yeah, throw that towel right in Danica’s face, Milka. What’s with the dudes trying to break this thing up? Freakin’ amateurs.

No spoiler alerts here. I wanna make sure a good majority of you see this movie in all its surprise-filled splendor before I review it/ruin major portions of it. In fulfilling my duties as SC Nation’s utmost authority on worthy-of-seeing-ASAP movie titles (as if anyone needed to tell you to go see The Dark Knight anyway), I went and saw it at 12:45am last night, er, this morning– which, by the way, is a great way to hype a flick. You basically create the perception that the movie is so ridiculously amazing, no one should be able to wait until the afternoon or evening of the day it comes out to see it, so they must abandon all rational behavior and stay up till 4 in the morning to see it despite the fact that they have work the next morning. Needless to say, all those corporate marketeers earned their paychecks: my showing sold out (thankfully I got my tix online) and just to be sure I wasn’t off-base on what a great idea this is, I asked the theater’s manager how the 3am showing did on my way out (loser-ish behavior, I know) and, surprise surprise, that one sold out too.

Of course, it also helps when the movie you’re hyping is the greatest superhero flick of all time. In fact, it’s not even close at this point; you’ll never be able to watch the first Batman with a straight face again and the Spiderman franchise might as well be a Disney Channel series after this. My only complaint was with Maggie Gyllenhall playing the role of Rachel Dawes (apparently Katie Holmes is still chained to the bedpost in Tom Cruise’s room and wasn’t available to reprise the role). Obviously the producer and/or director are either gay or have terrible taste in women because (VERY SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT!) there is no way in a million years I’m buying the fact that Batman and the District Attorney of Gotham City would both be vying for the affection that broomhilda. Me personally, I would’ve cast Megan Fox, especially taking into consideration the other chicks you see Bruce Wayne with throughout the film (it’s a fairly precipitous drop off when you go from this chick to this one if you ask me). See, there’s even some eye candy (and a Lambo towards the end)! Like I said, this movie does not disappoint. That said, the special affects were so out of control to begin with (think Terminator 2 meets Batman Begins) that adding Megan Fox to the mix would’ve caused every male in the theater to go into cardiac arrest half-way through the movie. So, I guess for that reason alone it was probably a good idea to go with Gyllenhall and keep everyone’s blood pressure down. Anyway, stop reading this and start making plans to go see it. Chuck Wipple just bought his tickets online and I suggest you do the same.

A friend of mine came to me with a Jeremy Shockey trade rumor that I would not give a hint of credence to if the source weren’t so reliable (not my dumb friend, the person he got the information from). Admittedly it comes to me third-hand, so this could wind up being a horrible version of telephone, but I figured I’d share it with my Subway Chatter friends anyway. The information made its way to my buddy through a friend of a friend. This associate is known to be good friends with Bill Parcells. Reportedly not long ago he was hanging out with the Big Tuna who mentioned to him that the Dolphins and Giants were talking about a deal that would send Jason Taylor to the Giants for Jeremy Shockey straight-up.

If it weren’t for the source being reliable on Parcells matters in the past I’d completely disregard this rumor. The trade doesn’t make much sense for either team. The Dolphins have a lot of needs and tight end is near the bottom of the list. What are they going to do with a top-quality tight end without a quarterback that can get him the ball? Or an offensive line to protect said quarterback? And the Giants have an abundance of very good defensive ends. They have little use for another one, who has already said this season will probably be his last. Not to mention one that would rather dance on TV than practice with his team. If they were going to trade Shockey for a rent-a-player, they’d be much better served picking up a strong safety, cornerback, or outside linebacker. More likely though, the G-Men are waiting to get a second-round-pick-plus for Shockey so they can get a young talented player who will (hopefully) help them for years. I just don’t see why either team would make this trade, but given the source I’ll actually only give it a 65% chance that the information is bogus.

Speaking of bogus, how fake are girls? Last night Monnie D. and I were out at a few bars and ran into some girls we know. As I was chatting with one of them we were spotted by another girl I know who approached me. Now mind you– girl number 1 and girl number 2 have only met once and do not like each other. In fact, the one time they met I had to hear from girl number 1 and her friend about how they didn’t get along at all with girl number 2. I won’t get into the reason they don’t get along, I’ll just say it may or may not have something to do with me. Anyway, girl number 2 comes over and gives an enthusiastic “HI!” to girl number 1, accompanied by a hug. This shocking action was followed by an, “I miss you,” to which girl number 1 replied, “I know, me too,” in an equally enthusiastic tone. Unfortunately, text can’t depict insincerity very well but both girls sounded about as disingenuous as a klansman would have giving a heart felt eulogy for Martin Luther King Jr. A guy would have handled this situation in one of three very different ways:

1. He would have thought to himself, “there’s Michelle, oh but there’s Sam, I don’t want to talk to that douche” and stayed away.

2. He would have walked over and talked to Michelle, completely ignoring Sam’s presence… or existence on earth for that matter.

3. He would have walked over and given Sam the, “hey” accompanied by the “I don’t like you and you don’t like me” look and continued on to talk to Michelle briefly.

Notice none of the actions a man makes involve any sort of forced friendliness to someone with which you have a mutual hatred– a hatred everyone in the area is well aware of. But who doesn’t know guys and girls are different? Men are very logical, rational beings. And women…aren’t. Don’t believe me? Take a listen…

http://www.scherle.com/psychoexgirlfriend/voicemails.html

http://psychoexgirlfriend.net/2007/01/because-rape-was-better-than-leaving.html

VERY rational behavior.

This past weekend, Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer played what may very well be the greatest match ever played at Wimbledon. For me, it absolutely was, and the reason is because it was the only tennis I’ve really ever watched, and despite the rain delays, it was kind of ridiculous. The speed with which those guys hit the ball and the way they dive and give up their bodies is worthy of admiration. Go on YouTube and find a video and watch a little bit of it, even if you don’t like tennis. It would be well worth your time… especially if you’re at work and the boss isn’t around.

When you watch two guys running around in little white shorts, you hope to picture something that makes you remember that you like chicks. So keep in mind that Lilo had a birthday party this weekend and it was a prom theme, and while she rocked a nice dress, her lesbian DJ rocked a tux, and I’m pretty sure it looked something like this:

And in sports news, the Brewers acquired CC Sabathia and the Cubs got Rich Harden. Not like the Yankees needed pitching per se, but a consistent bat that doesn’t sh*t the bed everytime some teammates start slumping would’ve been a nice change. I guess we’ll just wait and see what B-Ca$h does to F the Bronx Bombers before Turkey Neck Hank gives Ca$h the boot.

Finally, A-Rod’s wife filed for divorce. She’s banging Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod has a geriatric fetish tossing it into the aged roast beef that is Madonna. Being the starting 3rd baseman of the Yankees should warrant him better a$$ than that… amateur.

While taking a break from watching the Yankees forget to show up to play the Rangers, I started flipping channels and saw that the Olympic Swimming Trials were taking place in Nebraska and decided to watch it for a little bit. The one thing that I discovered in tenths of a second is that Michael Phelps is a real life Aquaman. The kid (he just turned 23 two days ago) holds a dozen or so world records and, in one event in particular, the 200M butterfly, he hasn’t lost since 2002! I know swimming isn’t the most entertaining thing to watch, and the Olympics don’t exactly have people planning parties around the the Men’s Rings event, but the qualifying events are somewhat ridiculous to watch, especially when Phelps swims like a Scientologist sperm towards the back of Tom Cruise’s throat.

On a side note…why wouldn’t Mexicans hold the world records for swimming?

Staying on the subject of water and marine-related animals and whatnot, Steve Phillips stated that the AL East was going to come down to the Red Sox and the Rays. Hey Steve, we’re only half-way through the season and you’d pick youth and inexperience over the Yanks? Didn’t you also pick the Yanks not to make the playoffs last year around the same time? Maybe because you and the Mets split ways you’re a little biased towards New York? Putz.

On a totally unrelated topic (although avoiding possible STDs could be like the 100-yard dash), Tila Tequila wound up choosing Kristy from my home town, Yonkers, New York, and Kristy (Whose a$$ is f*ckin legit. I mean you could put a drink on it and it wouldn’t move, yet if she decided to bounce it up and down, it would jiggle in only the way that a guy can appreciate) turned down the key to Tila’s heart. (Editor’s Update: here is a shot of Kristy’s a$$ for you all to marvel at. I haven’t seen such a juicy caboose since my boy Archie bounced a quarter off my ex-girlfriend’s roommate’s bubble-bum a few years back and I nearly got my eyes scratched out.)

After Tila started crying, she asked why Kristy would wait until the final moment of the show to tell Tila she wasn’t game. Hmm, let me think– maybe because for 2 seasons you’ve made out with and finger banged, or actually banged, 40 or so people? And I still have no idea why you’re famous.

Warning: The following blog entry is rated “M” for Men. Women who are easily offended are strongly urged to skip this entry and move on to Monnie D’s latest discussion of the Yankees or Chuck Wipple’s tear-soaked piece about the Mets still sucking. This is the most vicious and tasteless blog entry Subway Chatter has posted. It’s despicable, but some will love it. That being said I welcome all hate mail: mfh@subwaychatter.com. Now, in the spirit of the Maxim Hot 100, which was recently released, and drawing upon our long-established history of rating women, I give you the Subway Chatter “Not 100” (divided by 10)…

You know how you’ll be watching TV and you see a chick on the screen and a bunch of your buddies launch into how hot she is, leaving you sitting there thinking, “I find her about as sexually stimulating as the show Fear Factor?” Or you listen to someone on the television go on and on about how beautiful a chick is and you just sit there flabbergasted? I’ve recently experienced a few of those moments decided I had to sit down and compile this list. Here is a list of the top 10 women people find hot that just aren’t.

10. Evangeline Lilly (“Kate” from Lost)

She’s OK, I’d give her like a 6, but come on, so many guys talk about how hot she is and she’s only the 4th or 5th hottest chick that‘s been on the show (most of the others have been killed off unfortunately).

9. Lindsay Lohan

I’m not big on the freckles all over a body which at times isn’t that great. To me big boobs on a young chick doesn’t automatically make her hot. All that being said I’d still tag her and not even have to be drunk. Sometimes she looks kind of good, sometimes not so much. No way should she be top ten in the Maxim Hot 100. Sidebar - When she first became popular well before all of the coke allegations my buddy told a story about how a friend of his found a wallet on the sidewalk in New York and looked inside and found out it was Lindsey Lohan’s. Upon further inspection he found a small bag of coke. We weren’t sure how much to believe him. Fast forward about a year and half and she’s driving under the influence with coke in the car.

8. Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway? Really? Come on. My buddy Alvie won’t like this (Editor’s note: and neither will Consiglieri) but I don’t know why guys consider ol’ camel-face hot. What is it exactly that makes her pretty? Her grapefruit sized eyes or her alligator mouth? She looks like the chick in high school who was always awkward and unattractive and then one summer she grew into her body and came back junior year with a pretty nice rack, but still has that face. And your buddy comes up to you and says, “Damn, Anne got hot!” But you remind him that just because she’s hot-ter doesn’t mean she’s hot. Yeah she went from a 3 ½ to a 5 ½ or 6, but she’s still a 5 ½ or 6. And you tell him to concentrate on Christina, who went from a 9 down to an 8 and although she’s an 8, that loss of a point hurt her self esteem just enough that she may actually give your buddy a chance. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Anne Hathaway - not that hot. It looks like this camel mated with this big-eyed bastard, and she was the resulting offspring.

7. Mary Kate Olsen

You know how when the Olsen Twins were 16 and 17 and people were eagerly anticipating their turning legal? I won’t argue there certainly was some potential there. Well the payoff was almost as bad as the payoff at the end of The Village. It was a waste of potential on par with Mark Prior. For Mark Prior it was injuries that killed his mojo, for the Olsen twins it appears to be anorexia. This is nice. Skeleton-like - not so much. I actually don’t know which one is which, this may or may not be Mary Kate. Which brings us to…

7a. Ashley Olsen

This very well may be the same one as above, I just don’t know, but does it really matter?

6. Beyonce

From the waist up she looks good, but her legs and hips are HUGE! I’m sorry but I have a hard time finding a chick whose legs are twice the circumference of mine attractive. If she got her legs wrapped around me I’m quite certain she would crush me like a beer can on Blutarsky’s head.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker

I know every woman on the planet loves her show, but a word to the few broads who didn’t head my warning at the top of this piece: you do not want to look like any of the women on the show and frankly you don’t want to act like any of them either. Alright, so not many people call SJP hot, but a small number have tried and she certainly has tried to pass herself off as a sex symbol in Sex and the City as well as that make-up or hair commercial that she’s been in recently. Sorry horse-face, I’m not buying it.

4. Laura Prepon

I saw her Maxim spread a few years ago. I burned that issue. Next.

3. Serena Williams

(Given that this is a sports site, I needed to get an athlete on this list) Please nobody tell her she’s on this list, she could kill me with her bear hands (no, that’s not a typo). This “chick” could play linebacker for the Steelers. I’m sorry but any “female” that I would give a legitimate shot to run over Ray Lewis if you gave “her” a football does not strike me as attractive. I don’t hear very often that she’s attractive but Mike Wilbon, among others, often calls her beautiful on PTI and I always yell at the TV “She is ENOURMOUS!” or “She’s a beast you jackass!” He has yet to hear me through the screen.

2. Rose McGowan

Speaking as a pale man myself I have to say she’s just too pale. I’m a pale Irishman and standing next to her I’d look like Wesley Snipes (just as ripped mind you). Rumor has it when she walks in front of a white wall she actually disappears, all you see if floating black hair. On top of that she simply isn’t attractive at all. I’d rather watch soccer than hook up with Rose McGowan. I will concede that she looked pretty good in Grindhouse but my guess is that’s just good camera and lighting work by an inarguably great director.

1. Drew Barrymore

I’m probably going to piss off some females with this selection (not that they could get this far without hating me) because girls seem to really like her, but I’m sorry sweetheart, Drew Barrymore is NOT ATTRACTIVE. In Poison Ivy she looked ok, but that was quickly overshadowed by Alyssa Milano in Poison Ivy 2 and Jamie Pressley in Poison Ivy 3 – two women who are indeed hot. Charlie’s Angels reminded me of that game on Sesame Street, “which of these things is not like the others?” I don’t think Cameron Diaz looked fantastic in that and I’m not a big fan of Lucy Liu, but they still far outshined Drew. Drew Barrymore is like the girl next door…if you live in Buffalo (those who’ve lived in Buffalo know what I’m talking about here). Recently I was reminded that she was in E.T. and I actually thought for a moment she played E.T.’s alien love interest. In case you can’t tell, I’m sick of Hollywood casting Drew Barrymore in roles where she’s supposed to be cute or sexy. She’s not.

If you have a problem with anyone on this list feel free to let me hear about it. But be ready for me to mercilessly tear you a new one for your atrocious taste in women.