I wanted to write about Danica Patrick’s cat fight with Milka Duno, but the Giants made a big move that needs to be discussed. A few weeks ago I told you that I heard from a reliable source about an unlikely trade of Jeremy Shockey for Twinkle Toes Taylor. I also said that despite the reliable source, I didn’t see why it would happen from either team’s perspective. It turns out they did end up being traded at pretty much the same time, just not for each other. The dancing Dolphin was traded into the NFC East, but to the rival Redskins. Shockey was sent to the south, but the NFC South and the New
Orleans Saints.

I think the trade makes sense for the Saints. But being a Giants fan, I couldn’t care less about that side of the trade. Is it a good trade for the Giants? I’m not sure. Shockey is very gifted as an athlete and has the skills of a top-five tight end. He is as complete a tight end as you’ll find, which has become a rare commodity in the NFL; he is a great blocker and a true weapon as a pass catcher. And I know it seems like Shockey’s been around for a while, but he’s only 27. Kevin Boss filled in admirably for Shockey after Jeremy broke his leg, but those who are ready to count Boss as an adequate replacement for Shockey are drawing from a very small sample size. The guy showed some skills getting open and catching the ball, but he was an unknown to defenses who were much more concerned with limiting receptions for Plax and Amani. Additionally, it’s been well documented by the coaches that, despite his size, Boss is not (yet) nearly the blocker Shockey is.

On the other hand, Shockey can lose focus at times and drop passes… key passes. More importantly, though, Jeremy has been known to act like a baby. His selfish crying has been a major distraction to the rest of the team. Nobody but Eli knows for sure, but the evidence pointed to Manning being much more comfortable quarterbacking the Giants when he didn’t feel like he had to force the ball to Shockey ten times a game. It’s entirely possible that Eli’s coming of age as an NFL quarterback just happened to coincide with Shockey’s absence from the lineup and the two were completely unrelated, just like it’s entirely possible that the beautiful chick that was totally into me for a little while actually suddenly had something better going on just as I was entering the “extremely drunk” zone Saturday night. The bottom line is if Shockey was as unhappy as a Giant as he led us all to believe, then he was going to be a poison in the locker room and needed to go.

Everyone has their opinion as to whether this was a good trade for the Giants or not. However, the fact is only Eli Manning knows if Shockey’s antics truly hurt his performance. Only the coaches have seen enough of Kevin Boss to know if he’s capable of replacing Shockey. And only the Giants organization truly knows how happy/unhappy Shockey was and how much of a distraction he was threatening to be. Journalists don’t know. Talk radio hosts don’t know. Drunks in the bar don’t know.

If Shockey was truly unhappy the trade needed to happen. My only question is: why didn’t it happen on Draft Day? The Giants were offered this very deal on the day of the 2008 NFL draft and passed on it. If the Giants took the deal back then, they could have used the extra second round pick (number 40 overall - next year it won’t be as high) on a linebacker like Tavares Gooden or one of a number of very good corners that were still available at 40 but gone by the time the Giants picked at 63 (and it turns out they could have then grabbed Gooden at 63). The Giants could have taken a very good player at a position they needed to address and therefore helped themselves THIS YEAR rather than wait until 2009 for any benefit from the trade.

Forced to choose, I think this was probably a good trade by the Giants. Hopefully Eli will continue to excel as he’s able to relax and find the open receiver regardless of who it is and hopefully Kevin Boss will continue to improve and become a top level tight end in the NFL. If these two things happen, the trade will prove to have been a good one for the Giants, but it still should have happened on draft day.

What do you think about the trade? Share your thoughts below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com

While the Giants may have improved their team chemistry by trading Jeremy Shockey, they have placed the success of the 2008 season on the fragile shoulders of Plaxico Burress. I know Shockey was crazy, sensitive and a sometimes divisive figure in the locker room. But, he was the Giants best blocking tight end, best receiving tight end, and the second-best playmaker on offense behind #17. Now with Shockey gone, Plaxico basically becomes the Giants’ lone receiving option. Many of you are thinking “Hey, that scenario worked out pretty well for us this past January/February,” but my question is “What happens if Plax gets hurt?” Who does Eli get the ball to then? Good character may get you a Boy Scout badge, but in the NFL talent rules (Adam “Pacman” Jones, Terrell Owens, Ray Lewis, Randy Moss, the list goes on-and-on). With this trade, the Giants have not only fallen behind the Cowboys and their all-star roster, but now the Eagles have to be considered a threat with a healthy Donovan McNabb, the always ridiculous Brian Westbrook, and a much-improved defense led by Asante Samuel. Right now it looks like the Giants are in store for another mediocre 7-9 season and I have a better chance of winning the lottery than Plaxiglass has of staying healthy for 16 games.

The hands on the hips say it all: “I was the G-Men’s poster boy my first couple of seasons, and then I didn’t get involved as much as I wanted, and we were one and done in the playoffs a few times, and then I was still pissy after we won a SuperBowl (one in which I sat out with a broken leg), but now things are better ’cause I get to play with Reggie Bush.”

While this sounds like a trade made in Madden Heaven if you’re living in N’Awlins, it’s gotta make you question whether Shockey ever truly embraced being a G-Man. After 9/11 he came back with that ridic tat that screamed “U.S. pride” — and even more so “NY pride” — but now he plans to trade in the Big Apple and a SuperBowl ring for a pair of floaties… what, to soon?

Stephon Marbury, Gary Sheffield, and now you can add Jeremy Shockey to the list of bush league cry babies who are unworthy of calling New York “home.”

A friend of mine came to me with a Jeremy Shockey trade rumor that I would not give a hint of credence to if the source weren’t so reliable (not my dumb friend, the person he got the information from). Admittedly it comes to me third-hand, so this could wind up being a horrible version of telephone, but I figured I’d share it with my Subway Chatter friends anyway. The information made its way to my buddy through a friend of a friend. This associate is known to be good friends with Bill Parcells. Reportedly not long ago he was hanging out with the Big Tuna who mentioned to him that the Dolphins and Giants were talking about a deal that would send Jason Taylor to the Giants for Jeremy Shockey straight-up.

If it weren’t for the source being reliable on Parcells matters in the past I’d completely disregard this rumor. The trade doesn’t make much sense for either team. The Dolphins have a lot of needs and tight end is near the bottom of the list. What are they going to do with a top-quality tight end without a quarterback that can get him the ball? Or an offensive line to protect said quarterback? And the Giants have an abundance of very good defensive ends. They have little use for another one, who has already said this season will probably be his last. Not to mention one that would rather dance on TV than practice with his team. If they were going to trade Shockey for a rent-a-player, they’d be much better served picking up a strong safety, cornerback, or outside linebacker. More likely though, the G-Men are waiting to get a second-round-pick-plus for Shockey so they can get a young talented player who will (hopefully) help them for years. I just don’t see why either team would make this trade, but given the source I’ll actually only give it a 65% chance that the information is bogus.

Speaking of bogus, how fake are girls? Last night Monnie D. and I were out at a few bars and ran into some girls we know. As I was chatting with one of them we were spotted by another girl I know who approached me. Now mind you– girl number 1 and girl number 2 have only met once and do not like each other. In fact, the one time they met I had to hear from girl number 1 and her friend about how they didn’t get along at all with girl number 2. I won’t get into the reason they don’t get along, I’ll just say it may or may not have something to do with me. Anyway, girl number 2 comes over and gives an enthusiastic “HI!” to girl number 1, accompanied by a hug. This shocking action was followed by an, “I miss you,” to which girl number 1 replied, “I know, me too,” in an equally enthusiastic tone. Unfortunately, text can’t depict insincerity very well but both girls sounded about as disingenuous as a klansman would have giving a heart felt eulogy for Martin Luther King Jr. A guy would have handled this situation in one of three very different ways:

1. He would have thought to himself, “there’s Michelle, oh but there’s Sam, I don’t want to talk to that douche” and stayed away.

2. He would have walked over and talked to Michelle, completely ignoring Sam’s presence… or existence on earth for that matter.

3. He would have walked over and given Sam the, “hey” accompanied by the “I don’t like you and you don’t like me” look and continued on to talk to Michelle briefly.

Notice none of the actions a man makes involve any sort of forced friendliness to someone with which you have a mutual hatred– a hatred everyone in the area is well aware of. But who doesn’t know guys and girls are different? Men are very logical, rational beings. And women…aren’t. Don’t believe me? Take a listen…

http://www.scherle.com/psychoexgirlfriend/voicemails.html

http://psychoexgirlfriend.net/2007/01/because-rape-was-better-than-leaving.html

VERY rational behavior.

CBS Sportsline writer Pete Prisco revealed his top 50 players in the NFL last week. Naturally I disagree with a bunch of his rankings, but there a few that are so glaringly absurd I felt I needed to call him out in my own online article. I have no problem with his top five: (in descending order) Champ Bailey, Randy Moss, LDT, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady. I personally still put Manning ahead of Brady, but I have no problem with people that put Brady number 1. The second we step outside of the top 5, however, we come across the most egregious error in rankings since Joan Osbourne’s “One of Us” (#54), was in VH1’s 100 greatest songs of the 90s along with “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (47), “Ice Ice Baby” (29), and “MMMBop” (20).

If you haven’t seen the list you could take ten guesses at who Pete claims is the sixth best player in the NFL and would likely not come up with it. If I gave you a hint and told you it was a defensive player you still could take ten guesses and probably still not name the player who Pete Prisco singles out as the second best defensive player in all the land. It’s not Shawne Merriman, he hasn’t quite been the same since being forced to end his steroid use. It’s not Patrick Willis who led the league in tackles with 174 while the next best had 141. It’s also not Ed Reed, DeMarcus Ware, Bob Sanders, Kevin Williams, Albert Haynesworth, Brian Urlacher or Jared Allen. No, according to Pete Prisco the sixth best player in the NFL is Mario Williams. Granted, Mario had a great 2007 and has so far vindicated the Texans for picking him ahead of Vince Young and Reggie Bush by so far being the best player in that draft class, but there is no way that at this moment he is the second best defensive player in the NFL. Every player I mentioned above forces the offense to change their game plan merely with their presence. I don’t think Super Mario does that quite yet. He’s close, and maybe in a year or two he becomes the sixth best player in the NFL, but right now I don’t think he’s there yet. Let’s not forget, Mario has only had one good year and I don’t think you can rate a player this high based on one good year. And if you do, a guy like Patrick Willis with 33 more tackles than the next most productive player should get the nod over a guy who’s supposedly a sack specialist but didn’t even lead the league in sacks.

Another problem I have is an omission. Antonio Cromartie, who led the league with ten interceptions last year is not even on the list. If Mario Williams gets ranked sixth because of one solid year, Cromartie has to make the list somewhere. Even without Mario so high, Cromartie’s performance in 2007, including three picks of #2 on the list Peyton Manning, should earn him a spot in the early 40s.

Other less heinous errors/omissions:
Chad Johnson #28: this may be a little controversial, but I don’t think Chad Johnson is nearly as good as many people (or he) think he is. He should not be ahead of Braylon Edwards. He should not be ahead of Larry Fitzgerald. It’s arguable that he’s even the best receiver on his own team.

Fred Taylor #49 & Larry Johnson off the list: Fred Taylor is a good running back. That’s about it – good. He’s not a top 50 player. Like Chad Johnson, he’s not even the best running back on his own team. Larry Johnson is a great running back. He has a great combination of power, speed, vision, and quick feet. If he had any kind of offensive line in front of him last year he’d have been an all pro without question. He is substantially better than Fred Taylor. I don’t think too many people will argue that point with me.

Troy Polamalu unlisted: He’s another guy who offenses have to pay close attention to when installing their game plan. He’s a game changer in the secondary against the run and against the pass. He’ll make mistakes, but he’ll make huge plays to compensate. I think he has to show up somewhere in the 40s.

Ed Reed #23: Ed Reed is easily a top 15 player. He’s in the discussion for the top defensive player in the league. The guy is great against the run and equally great against the pass. How he’s not even in the top 20 is beyond me.
Tommie Harris #36: Tommie Harris is a man-child at DT for the Bears. He’s arguably their most important player on defense (sorry Brian). He’s solid against the run and is one of the best pass rushing defensive tackles in football. He’s the total package and one of the top 3 DTs in the game. The most important player for one of the top defenses in the league (save for last season) has to be ranked in the top 25.

Patrick Willis #43: He led the league with 174 tackles – a full 33 more than the number two tackler DJ Williams, and more than anyone has had going back to 2002 (that’s as far back as I bothered looking). Like Cromartie, if Mario Williams is ranked ridiculously high because of one very good season, how is Willis left so far back after 1 great season? As I alluded to before, I like to see more than one great season before I put a guy super high, still you have to consider Willis in the high 20s along with Urlacher (who should have been a little higher) after an incredible season like his 2007.

Some might find it interesting that there is only 1 member of the World Champion New York Giants in the top 50 players in football, and ZERO in the top 40. Osi Umenyiora at 42 is the lone Giant in the top 50 which at first I was a little upset about. After all, they are the Super Bowl Champions. But upon further examination, who else on the Giants roster belongs in the top 50? You certainly can’t put Eli there. If last year’s playoffs were all we had to go on for Eli you’d have to include him in the top 50 because he was simply amazing. But every Giants fan remembers the 3 ½ previous seasons in which he was less than stellar. And those performances are enough to keep him out of the top 50. If he can continue to play like he did in the playoffs leading up to and including Super Bowl XLII there will be no keeping him off this list next year. Michael Strahan could have made an interesting argument but he’s now retired. The only player I can see a legit argument for is Plax. He is a stud receiver who is nearly uncoverable (I know it’s not a real word) when he wants to be. There can definitely be an argument made for him to make the list in place of Wes Welker or Tony Gonzalez. But if you look at the stats Plax didn’t quite stack up to those two in 2007. The fact that only 1 player from the Super Bowl champs made the top 50 (and he was way back at 42) shows how great a TEAM the Giants were last year in the ultimate team sport.

Q: Brian Runge bumped Manuel last night then ejected him? He also ejected Carlos Beltran? What nationality are they?

A: Hispanic.

A: Well, there ya go.

Imus’ point when he tried to explain why he said what he said and do some damage control does have some validity: how many white athletes are being charged with weapons possession, domestic violence, and drugs? A helluva lot less than those athletes of a darker persuasion, and not just because they don’t do any of those things.

As for Runge’s instigation… he wouldn’t wanna try that with Ozzie Guillen, who probably has a switch-blade (I can use Hispanic stereotypes like that, I’m half-Cuban), or Joey G, who’s pretty jacked, or Lou P, who would rip up first base and stick it up Runge’s bum sideways. Now if it were Ed Hochuli behind the plate, he could call me Mary of Francine and I would skip-to-my-lou my darling, because he’s a monster.

This weekend I saw Get Smart. I used to watch it on Nick at Nite and it was pretty funny back in the day. Well, the big screen version was no disappointment as Steve Carrel made you almost pee yourself in playing Maxwell Smart. Duane “The Rock” Johnson also makes an appearance as the Great Khali, both from the WWE.

However the most intriguing performance was that of Anne Hathway. Once Disney’s little princess, she is now a legitimate sex kitten. She’s asked to use her sex appeal in a variety of situations and, I gotta tell ya, it works.

I usually don’t do movie reviews, well, because this is a sports site (although variety and the like has never been discouraged), but I would strongly encourage going to see Get Smart because it’s funny and Anne Hathaway can get it.

To touch on some sports issues though:

1. Shaq’s freestyle was rabbitish and a little weak… Kobe, you could eat my a$$? Very original. Could’ve went with suck my [beep], but a$$ was definitely more crowd-friendly.

2. On a somewhat related note, Ozzie Guillen went freaking nuts two weeks or so ago saying how everyone and everything basically could eat his a$$, and the White Sox have played legitimate baseball since then.

3. Willie Randolph was supposedly doomed before he could get a bona fide crack at turning the Mets around this season… and after last year’s collapse like a back alley boob job, it wasn’t really a surprise. New York is all about winning and if you don’t, your job is in jeopardy… unless you coach the Knicks, then you have a few years and a gajillion dollars before to blow before you’re ousted.

4. “Pacman” Jones no longer wishes to be referred to by his nickname and strictly wants to be known as Adam Jones. I guess it’s easier than having to remember “Prison Number 736492128.”

5. Interleague play is a stellar idea that should be continued as long as possible. Sure, it might take some of the glamour away from the World Series, but in all reality, it’s one of the only times a number of fans can see their teams play with the big dogs in the AL. You can thank us in advance for your best attendance numbers of the season, Pittsburgh Pirates.

6. Maria Sharapova said she would be wearing less flashy clothes at Wimbeldon… and we would continue to watch her play why?

7. Roger Federer extended his win streak on grass courts to 60 straight… why do I feel like this guy does not pull as much a$$ as he should? And if he does, I wanna see what kind of caliber he is pulling, just so I can decide if growing my hair out that long is worth it.

8. Anne Hathaway… just needed to make a shout-out one more time.

Michael Anthony Strahan announced his retirement this week after fifteen seasons with the New York Giants. During his career he amassed 141 ½ sacks (fifth all time), including 22 ½ during the 2001 season (so what if the final one was cheaper than 5AM hooker in a Vegas casino) which is a single season record. He had at least one sack in every season of his career and he was still the defensive leader during Big Blue’s run to the Super Bowl this past season. Strahan’s final sack came during a Super Bowl victory in which he led the Giants’ front four in putting relentless pressure on Tom Brady. Fitting.

Lost on many non-Giants fans is the fact that Strahan was at least as good a run stopper as he was a pass rusher. He has the sack numbers to prove his pass rushing prowess, but you had to really watch the games to pick up just how good he was against the run. If he wasn’t making a play on the ball carrier, he was forcing a cut-back inside or taking on two blockers to allow the linebackers a free run at the guy. He shed blockers like Nicole Richie (AKA Skeletor) shed calories and forced the runner back into the teeth of the defense. During his fifteen-year career, Michael Strahan was one of the most complete defensive ends in football. In an age when defensive linemen generally specialize as pass rushers or run stoppers (or in the case of Jason Taylor, prancing around like fairies on national television), Michael Strahan excelled at both (and who knows, maybe he’s a hell of a dancer too), earning him seven Pro Bowl selections and eventually a Super Bowl ring (upon which is scribed a weak-ass tag instead of one of my far superior suggestions). In fact, replacing Strahan the run stopper will probably be tougher than replacing Strahan the pass rusher. But more on that later.

In addition to his on-field playing ability, Michael Strahan was one of the best leaders in the NFL. He made everyone on the Giants play better. His infectious personality kept his teammates’ loose and their minds in the game. His undeniable love for football rubbed off on those around him. He kept everyone loose and having fun, and it can’t be overstated how important that is for a team. His incredible work ethic served as a wonderful example for younger Giants’ players. Granted he did skip camp last summer and I killed Jason Taylor for that recently, but I genuinely think Strahan was considering retirement at the time and his excuse didn’t involve dancing. Also, Jason Taylor’s work ethic is not nearly as renowned as Strahan’s.

There is no question the Giants are going to miss Strahan. They’re going to miss his consistent pressure on the quarterback, his uncanny run-stopping ability, and probably most of all his leadership on the field and in the locker room. Luckily though, Big Blue does have a capable man to step in and attempt to fill the void left by Strahan’s retirement. Justin Tuck is a hell of a defensive end. I’ve been a fan of his ever since his rookie year out of Notre Dame and last year he proved he can be an effective part of the Giants defensive front – six tackles including two sacks in the Super Bowl should be enough to convince anyone. Tuck is a big, strong defensive end with great pass rushing skills. He’s strong enough to play well against the run, but he doesn’t yet have the instincts or use his hands well enough to be a truly complete end the way Strahan was. He’s still quite young though and can certainly develop into an all-round great defensive lineman. In nickel situations the Giants will still be able to roll Tuck inside to defensive tackle and move Mathias Kiwanuka to defensive end (his natural position) so they have four legitimate pass rushers on the line. There’s also the possibility Kiwanuka moves back to defensive end full time, but I won’t get into that now. Of course losing a player of Strahan’s caliber hurts the Giants somewhat, but they have a player that can fill in well and still will have one of the best defensive lines in the league.

So goodbye #92. It’s been a great fifteen years and we’ll miss you. But hopefully not that much.

I’ll let G-men fans like Chuck Wipple and MFH handle the absent-sarcasm tribute duties in the next day or so, but for the time being, thanks for the memories, Big Mike. You may have been the most overrated defensive player of the last 20 years not named Warren Sapp — which might seem a little ridiculous considering you’re a sure-fire HOF-er, but I stand by it — and you may or may not have cheated on your wife with another dude. But you will go down as the greatest gap-toothed player in the NFL’s long and glorious history, and as one of millions of people who rocked braces in middle school, I can tell you that this, my friend, is something to be proud of.

Last night I was watching Sports Center and they were talking about the fact that Brett Favre’s locker is still intact in the Green Bay locker room. Then someone commented about how Aaron Rogers must feel seeing it every time he walks by. The truth of the matter is, who gives a flying monkey f*ck what Rogers thinks. Favre is one of the most revered players of his generation, as is evinced by the pic of him with his mouth open in jubilation after a victory. The guy’s father dies and he has a career night on MNF (regardless of whether or not it was against the Raiders). Rogers should see that locker and know what he has to live up to… motivation can be a powerful little tool.

The comments on Rogers got me thinking about another athlete who is supposed to be the savior of a sport– much like Favre was the golden child of Green Bay and the NFL as a whole– and Sydney Crosby popped into my head. This kid is supposed to get hockey back on track, er, notch at least 2 more fans by the end of the year. His job is difficult, much like Kirstie Alley’s attempt to get back to her Cheers-figure days. But he could do it. He also has the charisma that Favre has and he plays with an emotion well beyond his years. Could he get the attention of fans that hockey needs (and trust me, it is needed… go to a bar and see how many TVs are turned to the Stanley Cup Playoffs and then compare it with how many have golf on instead)? Maybe we won’t know the answer to that for a few years. But, if he can get me to watch a game or two, he has a helluva chance.

So who is the next big thing? Who will take their sport to a level that we have yet to see? King James has made us all “Witnesses”; baseball has a number of players that could be argued as the reason why thousands of fans watch and pack stadiums everyday; but who will step up and make sure that all sports have passionate followers? Who will be found on the streets playing stick ball only to be in the majors when they come of age? Who will take a driver at the age of 5 and hit it straight down the fairway? Who will take a raquet and be unstoppable on both clay and artificial courts? Who will get behind the wheel and make sure that people who aren’t named Billy Bob will watch machines go in an oval 300 times? Who will sleep with Pamela Anderson and not catch a venereal disease? Who will it be?

- Lou Pearlman, the evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world by poisoning every man, woman and child via the ears with his demonic creations, The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, was finally brought to justice (sort of). Pearlman was sentenced to 25 years in prison for releasing harmful, toxic garbage over the airwaves in an attempt to brainwash every female under the age of seventeen and direct them to terrorize all of America and eventually the world “Children of the Corn” style – which he came frighteningly close to achieving. Not really. He was actually sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding investors, including many friends, family members, and elderly retirees living off pensions over two decades. I’m not sure which is more offensive: forcing that trash he called music down our throats or persuading his friends and family to invest in two fake companies and bamboozling them out of hundreds of millions of dollars. Either way the guy is a true scumbag. Pearlman’s attorney argued that a 25 year sentence would amount to “a sentence to death” for the 53-year-old. Perhaps “a sentence to death” is exactly what he deserves for fleecing retirees out of their life savings, but in my opinion he deserves a death sentence for making superstars out of Nick Carter and JC Chasez (no, regrettably I did not have to look up their names, I actually remembered them – further proving my point that this Pearlman douche bag must pay). Part of his punishment should include nothing but N’Sync and Backstreet Boys songs played twenty hours a day in his cell for the duration of his sentence. Unfortunately The Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment.

- Some NFL veterans, including Titans center Kevin Mawae, are a little upset with the salary structure in the NFL I can’t say I blame them. Rookies are coming in and signing monstrous contracts without ever playing a professional down. Every year, first round rookie contracts get more outrageous and take up a larger chunk of a team’s salary cap space, which leads to non-superstar veterans’ salaries being squeezed. Why is it that the first pick in 2008 HAS to make a certain amount more than the first pick in 2007 (adjusted for position)? In a league with a salary cap in place, there is a finite size “pie” to be given out, and as rookies take a larger piece of the pie, there is less pie left over for proven veterans. Considering the number of high draft pick busts that are seen year in and year out, one would think the majority of salary money would go to guys that have proven themselves for a few years. Rookie Matt Ryan is guaranteed more money than Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, despite never throwing a pass in the NFL. Jake Long, who also has not played an NFL down, has more guaranteed money in his contract than Walter Jones. I hate going this long without making a joke to lighten things up, but there’s no joke to make. This situation is ridiculous and needs to be fixed. In the NFL more so than other professional league, proven players should be making substantially more money than veterans who have only proven themselves against college kids, not the other way around.

- The rocker David beat out the little gay one in the American Idol finale. That’s really all I know about it because I could care less about that dumb show, but apparently it’s a big deal.

- Word is Jason Taylor will be skipping all off-season workouts for the Dolphins, including training camp. Twinkle Toes will be missing a voluntary mini camp that begins Friday because he will be too busy doing publicity for “Dancing With The Stars.” In his ESPN the Magazine blog entry, Taylor wrote:

“I know what the reaction’s going to be: Oh, he’s the leader of that team, and he needs to be there,” Taylor wrote. “But, see, there’re different types of leadership in sports. There’re guys that can talk all the time, and try to lead by saying: ‘Oh, this is what we need to do, let’s go, rah, rah rah.’ They’re rah-rah guys.

“And then they’re guys, like me, who lead by example. And people are saying now, ‘Your example should be being there working out with the team.’ Well, at the end of the day, I will show up and I will do anything I need to do, and I will be the best football player I can be.”

In his own words Taylor “want(s) to win period, and I would love to win in Miami.” Well tell me Jason, as a guy who leads by example, how are you leading the Dolphins towards a championship by skipping practices to promote a television show that had you prancing around like Brian Boitano sans skates? You sure are setting a great example for the younger players by basically saying, “These off-season workouts are unnecessary. My time is much better spent doing publicity for a dancing show.” The Dolphins aren’t exactly coming off a Super Bowl season. They (you) were the worst team in the NFL. Every player on the team could use all the practice they can get. Maybe I’m insane for even thinking this, but even if you could not get any better as an individual player during these workouts, perhaps you could help out the younger players by teaching them and forcing them to practice against one of the best defensive linemen in football. Miami’s record last year is substantial proof that the whole team could use the work. But no Jason, it’s much more important to go on a publicity tour for a show on which you got your ass kicked by a figure skater. (Two figure skating references in one article – that HAS to be a record.) How dare Bill Parcells (who owns multiple Super Bowl rings) be upset with you for choosing a dancing show over off-season workouts. Clearly your team is primed to make a run at the title as is, no work needed. I hear ABC is currently casting for its new show that begins in August, “Eating Quiche, Sipping Cosmopolitans, Writing Poetry, and Getting Manicures While Weeping to ‘The Notebook’ With the Stars.” Why don’t you sign up for that? Who needs the preseason to get ready anyway? (By the way I had to look up how to spell Quiche)

Questions/Comments? Like Dancing with the Stars? (I’m in love with Julianne Hough and I don’t even watch that show) Think going on a dancing show isn’t fruity? Enjoy “The Notebook” and/or drinking cosmopolitans? Have something to add to my thorough American Idol wrap up? Currently trying to swindle your friends and family out of millions? Want to defend boy bands? Use the comment button below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com if you want some privacy.

I commend Sen. Arlen Specter for his efforts to maintain the “integrity” of the National Football League, but I think the radiation treatment for his brain tumor is messing with his mind. Today, with so many pressing issues plaguing the United States such as the current recession we are in, inflation, rising fuel prices, unemployment, crumbling infrastructure, etc. that he would be more concerned about those issues rather than Bill Bellichick taping opposing teams’ signals seems a bit idiotic to me. I don’t think the good (Editor’s note: I thought they were just bitter?) people of Pennsylvania elected Specter to police the NFL. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for making sure the NFL is on the up-and-up, but if Sen. Specter wanted to be commissioner he should have applied when Paul Tagliabue resigned a couple of years ago. So, on behalf of the millions of Americans who are suffering during this rough economic time, please, Sen. Specter, do your (expletive) job and help fix the problems that are actually, you know, important to our nation. Thank You.

Hello Kiddies. It’s time for another installment of “What the hell are you?” Before I get to it, I need to acknowledge something first: It used to be that any time you saw “MFH” on the top of a Subway Chatter entry you knew you were about to read something entertaining and insightful. It was as reliable as turning on MTV on the weekend and seeing America’s Next Top Model (come on MTV, I’d rather watch the meaningless drivel they talk about on The Hills or the lost episodes of the Real World: Poughkeepsie). Lately however, any piece bearing my name has been a lesson in mediocrity. Forget entertaining and insightful, you’ve been lucky to get one of the two, and unfortunately it’s been entertainment that has been lacking most often. The trash that follows is further proof of my dedication to mediocrity with slightly more entertainment value than I’ve been giving you recently. Perhaps a time will come when I will again strive for excellence, but for now you’ll have to get by on another “What the hell are you?” (I hate the title but I’m not creative enough to come up with a good one so please send your suggestions to mfh@subwaychatter.com or write them in the comments section)

Danica Patrick is a f&$^in’ chick driver: Well, well, well, not even a month after I boldly proclaimed to the world how shocked I was that a woman could win a driving competition given how atrocious chicks are behind the wheel, Danica Patrick showed her support for me by plowing into another team’s crew member while practicing for the Indy 500. There has been no comment from IndyCar officials or Danica’s camp on the rumors that she didn’t have her eye on the road because she was busy texting her bff.

OJ Mayo is a f#$*in’ kid: OJ Mayo allegedly took thousands of dollars in cash, clothing, airline tickets, cell phone service, meals, hotel rooms, and a flat screen TV from the representative of a sports agent while in high school and college. I’ll start by saying I don’t particularly like OJ Mayo, I think he’s kind of an ass. That said, back when I was an 18 year old basketball star, had I been good enough to warrant these kinds of gifts from agents and their cronies I would have had an extremely difficult time turning them down. If I were offered cash like OJ was, I’d have taken it. If I were offered a hotel room like OJ was, I’d have taken it. If I were offered clothing like OJ was, I’d have said, “Thanks for the Sean John and Enyce clothes, but I’m white, can I exchange them for some CK and Guess?” Just last night some friends and I were reminiscing about some of the stupid things we did in high school and college - things we would never do now because we know what the consequences could be (most of which can not be explicitly written because I don’t think the statute of limitations has run out). And trust me, while many of the dumb things we did could have resulted in death or incarceration, none of them carried the potential benefit of a flat screen TV. If the allegations are true, as much as I dislike OJ, I can’t blame him for accepting these gifts.

By the way, if we really want to stop this sort of thing from happening, sanctions on the high school or college team the kid played on do NOTHING. We need to get all of the major professional leagues together, the NBA, NFL, MLB, and yeah I guess the NHL and say, “if you are caught illegally giving gifts to an amateur athlete, you can never represent an athlete in any of these 3 ½ major professional leagues.” Also, whichever agency is being represented at the time needs to be hit with a HUGE fine – I’m talking in the millions. They stand to make millions by signing the guy, they should stand to lose millions by breaking the rules to try to get him.

As for the player, any amateur caught taking gifts should be forced to go on a date with Star Jones and after listening to her yap all night about nonsense, the offending party has to end the date with a public make-out session with that extraterrestrial. That’ll teach ‘em.

Spygate is F$#@in’ tired: This could have been written months ago. I’m so sick of this non-story, and have been pretty much from the beginning. I’m tired of people on both sides of it arguing their obviously biased points. The media got a hold of a story about an NFL powerhouse possibly cheating and beat us over the head with it for far too long. It got to the point where this morning, when Matt Walsh finally met with Roger Goodell, I was promptly informed at 8:25AM when Matt Walsh arrived at the NFL offices. That’s great info, but you’re not going to tell me what he ate for breakfast, what color tie he’s wearing, or whether he took the first step with his right or his left leg? (My guess is his right, but that’s purely speculation) How am I supposed to make it through the day without knowing these essential details? I can only pray that now that the meeting is over and no new evidence has come to light we can finally get passed this nonsense and move on to important stories in the world of sports – like TO’s new sitcom with Flavor Flav.

MFH is a f@&%in’ a$$: I woke up late Sunday morning on my friend’s couch feeling like I had been hit by a Buick and immediately had the following text exchange with another of my friends:

Friend: U okay my friend Courtney was looking for u?

MFH: oh

Truth be told, I had a vague recollection of talking to a blonde girl for a few minutes, I certainly did not remember multiple hours. I pulled myself off the couch and stumbled out to my car. I hadn’t yet bought a mother’s day gift for my mother and reluctantly stopped at the mall on my way home. As I staggered into the mall I enlisted the help of my sister for a quick gift idea. The following is how I ended the conversation:

I reek like booze this is embarrassing

And it was. I got in and out as quickly and with as little human contact as possible. Though I tried to hide from those judgmental people in the mall, I could not hide from myself. I am a humungous ass. Why does anyone still love me?

So when I sold my soul to writing about my first love– NY sports– I also agreed to refrain from writing about my favorite football team… unless, of course, they were playing in the Super Bowl or involved in any other kind of story, like oh, I don’t know, something like Spygate, perhaps, that was eminently newsworthy. Well this, my friends, is one of those instances:

After brokering a deal to protect himself, former New England Patriots employee Matt Walsh has finally turned over his evidence in the videotaping controversy.

“Mr. Walsh has never claimed to have a tape of the walk-through,” said Walsh’s lawyer Michael Levy, according to the Times. “Mr. Walsh has never been the source of any of the media speculation about such a tape. Mr. Walsh was not the source for the Feb. 2 Boston Herald article.”

I’ve said this before during our blog’s nascent stages, and I’ll say it again: I’m not ready to call what the Patriots’ did “cheating” simply because every other team in the league is/has been stealing their opponents’ signals for years now (maybe now they’ve stopped for fear of getting fined and/or losing draft picks) and the Pats were just unfortunate enough to piss off a former employee (Eric Mangini) and got squealed on. Don’t believe me? Just read here and you’ll see what I mean. Now just remember, I didn’t say what they did wasn’t illegal, I just said you can’t really call it cheating if everyone is else is doing it in a league-sanctioned way. A lot of people want to equate illegality with cheating, but the two are mutually exclusive, no matter what some self-righteous pundit tells you.

Anyways, that’s besides the point. The main thing I’m wondering about here is what is going to happen to John Tomase now that it’s blatantly obvious he dreamed up the whole “the Pats taped walk-throughs to win championships” thing in order to make a career for himself. I mean think about it, isn’t what he did a million times worse than what Belichick and Co. did? At least the Pats were trying to win football games and bring joy to their legions of fans around the globe. But this guy was just looking out for #1. He’s a no-name columnist working for a major newspaper– which when you think about it, just speaks to what a joke he is if he’s writing for publication in the U.S.’s sixth largest market and no one knows who the f@#k he is– and he thought he’d make up some ridiculous story that pretty much everyone would buy into because Bill Belichick is obviously more evil than Osama Bin Laden, and at the end of the day he’d land some gig on Around the Horn, or wherever else newspapers send their worst writers to waste time so they can’t produce even more crappy articles, and live happily every after. But sadly, for John Tomase, that day will never come because he was exposed for the fraud that he is. And while America will tolerate sh*tty journalism, the one thing they won’t put up with is a liar. So enjoy your five minutes of fame, John Tomase, and good luck finding a new job.

Marvin Harrison makes Pacman Jones look like a choir boy, or at least he tries to…