Why wait the weekend? That is the question millions of Mets fans are asking in the wake of John Heyman’s report that Willie Randolph reign at Mets manger is about to come to an embarrassing end. In a hit that rivals any episode of the Sopranos, Willie Randolph is about to bite the bullet for his team’s poor play. And like what happens to our favorite small-screen gambinos, the events leading to the demise of Willie Randolph did not occur during just this season. After blowing a 7-game division lead during the final week of the 2007 season (Willie’s team made Linda Lovelace proud), Willie began this season under enormous pressure. And now, after Billy Wagner’s one-week audition for the ABC’s hit reality show The Mole (three blown saves in a row), the Mets are 33-35 and are 6 ½ games behind the Phillies in the division. Now it seems inevitable that Willie will be fired.

I know I have written numerous blogs calling for Willie’s scalp, but I’m going to reverse course and say that that this is not Willie’s fault. He has no guys in the bullpen, and seemingly half the team is on the DL collecting AARP (I wonder whose brilliant idea it was to count on Mosies Alou playing at least 100 games?). Unlike the heartless souls that own the team and the millions of fans that boo the Mets’ every mistake, I am sensitive to the fact that Willie Randolph was chosen as one of Clint Hurdle’s coaches for the All-Star game at Yankee Stadium, so maybe Freddy Wilpon could keep him off the chopping block until then. Eh, I guess now Willie is going to have to watch the game from home like me. Hopefully, Omar Minaya can join him and make it a party.

I wish I could say I was excited about the Mets finally winning a game, but I would be lying if I said I’m excited about anything having to do with the Mets, period. Maybe it’s the fact that Moises Alou’s calf is hurting him again, or that Billy Wagner blew another save? I don’t know. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Mets may have won last night, but they are still a bad team. Instead of trying to win 61 more games they should try to take it one game at a time. For a team that is still sub-.500 and just broke a six game losing streak, 61 wins may be a little too ambitious.

Stick a fork in ‘em… the Mets are garbage. How does a team consider itself a World Series contender and then get swept in four-game series… by the worst team in the National League??? Actually, this is already the second time this season that the Mets got swept in a 4-game series. At least they had an excuse last time because it was against the Braves and they own the Mets. But what happened this weekend is a freakin’ joke. There are some minor league and even college teams with better offenses than the Padres’. And other than Adrian Gonzalez, who the f@#k else is even allowed to swing a bat on that team????? Honestly, I don’t know what is worse: watching this bullsh#t all weekend or going to the gas station, chopping off my arm, and handing it to the attendant for a gallon of gas (I thought the Saudi’s and the Bush families were like best friends?). Not only am I suffering from pain at the pump, but now my eyes hurt from watching the Mets all weekend.

(Update: this article has been attributed to Monnie D. for the last 24-hours, but it is a Chuck Wipple original. My apologies for the confusion)

Most Yankee fans are living in denial this season about the state of their favorite team. With George Steinbrenner stuck in the fog of his dementia and Hank Steinbrenner talking out of his ass all season, Brian Cashman has launched his covert operation on Yankee-dom. I hate to blow the cover on his little plan, but the Yankees are doing the “R” word this season; the Yankees are REBUILDING. Some might say that I’m jumping the gun here, that I’m biased because I root for the Mets. However, after watching Kyle Farnsworth suck ass in the 8th inning against the Twins the other night (for whatever reason, Joba was unavailable for that assignment) it’s pretty clear that Cashman is prepared to sacrifice this season for the future.

Now some would say that a team with a 200-million dollar payroll should be the best team in the league. And normally they’d be right. But the sad truth is the Yankees are finally paying the heavy price for Brian Cashman’s astute talent evaluation (ha!), especially in regards to starting pitching. After nearly a decade of obtaining great pitchers (ha!) like Jeff Weaver, Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, and Kei Iwaga, the Yankees starting rotation is a joke. Wanna know it’s best punchline? When Mike Mussina is your best pitcher, you know your team is in trouble.

For all of those individuals who believe Joba is going to save the Yankees this season I have another “R” for you. It is called REALITY CHECK. It would be a miracle to see Joba actually come anywhere close to pitching 5-innings, much less 6, anytime soon. With the Yankees keeping him on a strict pitch count, by the time he fully “stretches” out his arm, we’ll already be heading into Labor Day. That means the Yankees’ bullpen, spearheaded by Farnsworth and LaTroy Hawkins, is going to have to pitch a lot of innings, especially on days when Joba only gets two batters into the 3rd, 4th, or 5th. Actually, they are going to have to get a hell of a lot more outs if Wang does not return to his ace form either. This is why I disagree with the Joba move because at least with him and Mo in the bullpen it’s a 7 inning game. This puts less pressure on your entire pitching staff.

Long term, the Yankees may be best served by missing the playoffs. This would finally force Cashman to remodel the team after a winning franchise like (I hate to say this) the Red Sox. I don’t know about you, but I would take Theo Epstein over Brian Cashman or Omar Minaya any day (Editor’s note: damn straight). He is the perfect example of a GM with huge resources who knows how to utilize them. Cashman is on the opposite end of the spectrum: with so many holes on the roster, Cashman cannot call up any young prospects that are ready to help the team because he simply doesn’t have them. I would suggest that he trade some of the vets for young talent, but all Cashman ever gets back in return are guys who need Tommy John surgery (Humberto Sanchez, anyone?).

I know the Yankees would never admit to this being a rebuilding year because of the outrageous price of tickets this season. And despite all these criticisms, I fully expect the Yankees to contend for the Wild Card… I just expect them to fall short thanks to this abortion of a pitching staff. If they want to make the playoffs, they better hope the offense finds its 1000-run-per-season form, and fast.

See this is why I can never feel good about the Mets. Oliver gives up six runs and only gets one out against one of the most anemic offenses in the NL. This man is getting paid 6.75 million dollars to get ONE out against the San Fransucky Giants? I wonder if the Pirates would give us Xavier Nady back for Ollie because I would trade him for a pack of gum or something right now. You know what the scariest thing is? Suppose the Mets didn’t trade for Johan Santana? It would have been downright ugly this season, and not even Ugly Betty ugly, more like a Rosie O’Donnell kind of ugly.

So after a 7-week hiatus, the fantasy updates return. Some would say the break was a strategic ploy on my behalf to stem any embarrassment that might arise from my cataclysmic fall from 1st to as low as 6th place last week, but I can assure you all that wasn’t the case (funny, something tells me none of you believe me). Anyway, back to the present– the league has kind of been turned on its head (or ass, depending on your point of view) with our favorite reader (Yeah, we’re biased. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?), Behjota, and Mashing Maters rising from 5th and 8th, respectively, to claim the top two spots, while my very own MatsuisImaginaryWife and the Quahog Homers have plummeted from 1st and 3rd since our last update and now find ourselves fighting for a playoff spot (I’ll just say this– I’ve won four, yes FOUR, fantasy baseball championships coming out of the 6-spot. Try sleeping with that on your mind tonight, BehJota and Mashing Maters.). And as if that didn’t provide enough drama four you, the top-two squads duked it out last week for first place, with BehJota holding off a late charge from Mashing to capture an all-important 8-5 victory.

And to round out the rest of the staff for all you SC Fanboys (and girls) out there: Chuck Wipple’s VIVA LA WHITE GIRL is holding onto 6th at the moment, and MFH, who is the odds on favorite to win the “Most Original Fantasy Team Name of the Year” Award finds himself four-and-a-half out of the last playoff spot in 7th. Consiglieri is not a heterosexual and, consequently, abstained from partaking in our Fantasy League. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

One other thing before I close out the update– kind of a blanket Fantasy observation/subtle Yankee-bashing. Remember when SS used to be baseball’s glamour position? As of today, there are only 6 of them who rank in the top 100 according to Yahoo: Hanley Ramirez (17), Miguel Tejada (should be tested for HGH and comes in at 23), Jose Reyes (28… never thought I’d say this, but I kinda wish the Yankees’ shortstop “sucked” as much as he did), Rafael Furcal (71), Mike Young (76), and Cristian Guzman (99… probably shouldn’t even count, but it’ll help drive home the following…). Notice any glaring omissions? How about The Captain (ranked 190th) and J-Roll (219). Now to be fair, both guys were on the DL for a while, but in Jeter’s case he’s likely going to fail to reach 200 hits for the first time since ‘04, and if he keeps this up he’ll register the fewest number of doubles in his entire career (as of today he’s projected for 22). And all of this seems even more bizarre considering he stands to notch the fourth-highest RBI total of his career (81) at his current pace. So basically Jeets is having the most unproductive productive season of any player since ‘06 A-rod. Weird.

As a Met fan, it is almost mind numbing trying to figure out why the Mets can’t play like this every week. Maybe it’s because the Wilpons finally gave Willie permission to be a manger and actually make in-game adjustments during their meeting last week? I am not a baseball expert (well, actually, I kinda am) but little things like giving Carlos Delgado and Brian Schneidner a day off against lefties does not seem like such a bad idea, especially when they don’t hit lefties and are basically automatic outs anyway. Now hopefully Willie will apply his new found managerial skills to the bullpen and give Aaron Heilman a mental break from the 8th inning. Maybe he can even learn to take Oliver Perez out when he has a lead in the 5th inning instead of letting him blow it in the 6th! Speaking of Ollie– is it me or does he suffer from extreme ADD, because it’s crazy how he just forgets he’s on a major league mound and implodes at random times. Hopefully, the Mets can keep winning and Pedro won’t come up lame in his start on Tuesday…

Like the Mets, I have decided to take some time off from writing. While my sabbatical was approximately a week, the Mets have taken about the last 162 games off (their record is 79-83 over that span, to be exact). Therefore, although I hoped that they would awake from their year-long slumber after their weekend sweep of the Yankees 8 days ago, it looks like this team needs to adopt Barack Obama’s theme of change this season. However, I do not believe this change should be limited to the manger’s office (although Willie deserves his fair shame of blame) as the Mets as an organization has basically performed like s**t from the owners box all the way down to the General Manger’s office.

While the Mets look good on paper– I thought they’d at least make it to the NLCS– they have played mostly uninspired baseball this season. When you are being paid millions of dollars to play a game it would be natural to expect that you always try your best to win. Players such as Derek Jeter may be overrated (please, no hate mail), he always plays to win the game. Whether it is legging out an infield single or getting hot chicks, Mr. Jeter always produces. However, instead of Derek Jeter leading our team we have players like Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado, who if they are not playing well add about as much character to your team as the inflatable dolls in the White Sox’s clubhouse. Sure David Wright tries to lead his team, but it is obvious to me that no one on the roster really gives two craps about what he says. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard Wright plead with his teammates to show some more fire and then they go out and lose 6-1 to the Nationals or something. It’s obvious that Willie Randolph, who makes Cleveland from Family Guy seem like an A-type personality (By the way, did you hear he is getting his own show?), is not the right manger for this team. However, the main culprit in all of this is Omar Minaya.

Mets fans should be calling for Minaya’s scalp considering he put this whole bag of s**t together. Yes, Mets fans, he was the genius who anointed Mosies Alou as the starting Left Fielder, a guy who hasn’t played a hundred games in like 10 years. And then to makes matters even worse, he didn’t see fit to get a fourth outfielder to sub in for said injury-prone outfielder. Now, with Ryan Church still stuck in the fog of his post-concussion syndrome, the Mets only have Carlos Beltran as a legitimate, major league-type player in the outfield (it just so happens that when the Mets have needed him the most, he has had a off year at the plate). Oh yeah, and how could I forget– he gave 25 million dollars to a second baseman who is clearly on the downside of his career and whose reputation as a good defender is grossly overstated (See the easy groundout he misplayed before Mike Pelfrey’s impulsion in Atlanta?). All of this is further compounded by the Mets’ shaky bullpen. I do not even remember the last time one of the supposed bullpen “stalwarts,” Duaner Sanchez, has pitched in a game, or the last time Aaron Heilman has not given up a game-winning hit.

Not only are the Mets not a championship team, but it’s pretty obvious they also lack championship talent. I would have trashed them more but I there is only so much I can write at one time. Just like most Met fans, I hate this team and do not see myself really liking it again for the remainder of the season. The only thing I would like from this team is change.

I was waiting for Chuck Wipple to say an ode for Mike Piazza, but I think he’s over at Best Buy replacing his HDTV after it met a violent end during the Mets/Braves double-dip last night. So, allow me to offer a few words instead.

Piazza is a first-ballot HOF-er, and is, without question, the greatest hitting catcher of all time. But it’s not the 427 career home runs, 1,335 RBIs, or .308 life-time batting average that earned my respect. No, it was that walk-off homer against the Braves at Shea in the first game back after 9/11, when Piazza illustrated why it was going to be impossible for a bunch 11th-century-camel-jockey-suicide-bombing terrorists to shake the will of New Yorkers… and that day in Philly a half-season later, when he dispelled the notion that his throwing problems were the byproduct of a floppy wrist. Takes a lot of guts to do that in today’s you’re-the-most-awesomest-person-alive-but-only-if-you’re-gay day in age. (Side note: my girlfriend at the time came to visit me up at BU about a month before Piazza’s denial, and she told me that during her flight she sat next to a guy who, “Was the uncle of some famous baseball player, I think his name is Roberto Alomar” and he proceeded to tell her that his nephew was gay, and that he was worried about it getting out in the press. Gee, I wonder why? I believed my girl for three reasons, at least as far as her account of the story went: 1) tell me one chick you know who has any idea who Roberto Alomar is? Exactly. 2) Alomar played for the Mets that year, which fit the story. And 3) the guy was trying to hit on her, so I gave her points for siphoning that info for me while braving an onslaught of testosterone.)

Goodluck in all that you do, Mike, and thanks for the memories…

In Sunday night’s subway series blowout, Carlos Delgado sliced a shot off of the left field fair pole for what should have been a home run. The correct call was initially made by the umpire with the best angle to make such a call, but was then overturned after a quick umpire pow-wow. The net result was a wrong call that directly took runs off the board for the suddenly potent New York Metropolitans. While the Mets went on to lay a severe beating on the Yankees (woo-hoo) rendering the missed call harmless (though Carlos Delgado owners in head-to-head fantasy leagues may beg to differ), what happens when the same call is missed in a one-run playoff game? Or in game 7 of the World Series?

Much like the college football playoff debate, there are really no legitimate reasons to avoid using instant replay in Major League Baseball in this one particular situation. It’s argued that it will slow down the game. These games already last three hours, the extra thirty seconds it will take to make a call up to a replay official won’t materially affect the length of the game. If you are really worried about the game slowing down, maybe do something to prevent hitters from backing out of the box and doing a five minute routine which includes loosening, then tightening, their batting gloves, taking off, then replacing, their helmet, spitting into their gloves, rubbing them into the dirt, spitting into them again, pulling up their pant legs, saying a prayer, doing the electric slide, and whistling the theme from Mission: Impossible in between every pitch. Or maybe put a pitch clock on the pitcher so guys like Dice-K don’t take so much time between pitches that I can watch the first pitch and then cycle through every channel on digital cable to see what else is on before turning it back and seeing the second pitch of the at-bat. I’m a Red Sox fan but I don’t know that I could go see a game Dice-K starts - it’s like a six hour commitment. I’ve had relationships that haven’t lasted that long.

Another widely used (and flimsy) argument mostly used by purists is that replay would take away from the human element of the game. Yeah, it takes away some of the human ERROR in judgment. Humans are still playing the game and for the most part humans are still making the calls. If MLB were worried about the “human element” of baseball being taken away then they should have outlawed Barry Bonds’ bionic arm in the latter part of his career (not to mention his tyrannosaurus head – now that is inhuman). The only reason this “human element” argument is given any credence at all is because baseball happened to be invented in the mid 1800s when there was no alternative. If baseball were invented in the 1970s we’d most likely have replay on fair/fowl calls, and probably on safe/out at home plate. (We’d also probably have half the league sporting uniforms comparable to the old Astro’s unis. Now that would be sweet.) True or false: The MLB rulebook says that if a ball hits the foul pole it is a home run? That would be true. It does not say, “If a ball hits the foul pole it is a home run if and only if a human being standing on the field sees it hit the foul pole.” Trust me, way back in 1845 when Alexander Cartwright formalized a list of rules to be followed by all baseball clubs, if they had the technology to produce instant replay, they would have used it to determine whether balls that went into the stands near the foul pole were fair or foul. You don’t see professional bowlers retrieving their own balls because the automatic ball return takes away from the human element of bowling. Nor do you see society shunning the telephone and internet because it takes away from the human element of running to the next village to pass along news.

The last argument heard most often against instant replay for fair/foul calls in baseball is the slippery slope argument. It goes something like this: “if we allow instant replay for that, then we open the door for replay being used to review everything right down to balls and strikes. Where does it stop?” This is the biggest horse shit argument of them all. You know where it stops? Right at fair/foul calls. Write it into the rule. That’s it. The NFL has calls that are not reviewable by instant replay, why is it impossible for MLB to do the same? The slippery slope argument is what people use when they don’t want something to happen, but they can’t come up with a legitimate reason to stop it. It’s like saying, “we shouldn’t allow people to drink alcohol because what’s next, allowing them to drink alcohol and then drive, and then eventually people drinking as much alcohol as they want and then drive while continuing to consume alcohol?” Well I will not sit here idly and allow you to take away my happine… I mean alcohol.

This slippery slope argument for replay is as ridiculous as saying, “If we allow the players to wear anything they want under their uniforms it opens the door for them to wear women’s underwear and then eventually thongs.” Alright, maybe that was a bad example.

What the hell is wrong with Giambi anyway? Back when I played ball I went through some slumps, but the following thought never crossed my mind: “I just can’t seem to find my swing right now. You know what might help? Wearing a thong. Yes of course! And it must be a gold one. I can’t see a better way of turning my luck around than wearing underwear that is guaranteed to ride up my ass the entire time I’m wearing it. Those guys that change their pre at-bat routine or wear a different undershirt are suckers. The real key to beating a slump is letting your cheeks breathe. This gold thong thing is can’t-miss.” Here’s an idea to turn around your luck, Jason. How about when the opposition puts their entire team on the right side of the field you send a ball the opposite way for a guaranteed hit instead of stubbornly trying to pull every pitch over the right field wall even though your steroid muscles disappeared a couple years ago.

This past Saturday I took my girlfriend to see her first baseball game (We aren’t anywhere in the photo. Sorry, all you would-be stalkers.), and I did it up right– the Yankees versus the Mets, with Andy Pettitte going for the Bombers and Johan Santana for the Metropolitans. And unlike the Yankees, their fans were really the only ones who showed up.

We sat with the Bleacher Creatures, yet another reason why it made her first game one to remember. Jeet started us off with a 2-run shot and things were looking pretty damn good at that point. Hell, even a Met fan offered a Yankee fan some of his rum from a little airline bottle (the Yankees fan who was already bombed spilled some and the Met fan cried out that a beautiful, cross-town moment was wasted, but it was quickly forgotten).

Like the spilled rum, the Yankees quickly dropped the lead, never to regain it. Andy forgot he was on a mound and thought he was a chef, serving up meatballs and letting dingers leave the Stadium like no one’s business. After Reyes was out after his first at bat, a “.256″ chant started, making reference to his batting average (which is a helluva lot higher than most of the Yanks’, but I digress). The Met fans came back with Carl Pavano chants… and if that is the best the Met fans can do, especially when the Yanks are stellar in the cellar right now, then things aren’t really as bad in the Bronx as I thought they were.

After a few innings, Farnsworth came in; I could end this blog here, but then I wouldn’t get to the entertaining part of the day, because the game sure as hell was not it. Farnsworth came in and let up a few runs, surprise-surprise, his long ball prompted a barrage in the stands that was the most beautiful thing that I saw all day (save the new facade in the New Stadium…that thing is gorgeous). One guy threw some sunflower seeds from one of the upper rows of the bleachers after Farnsworth decided to suck like Paris Hilton on a homemade sex tape. An older woman who was a Met fan got up, turned around and yelled that her son was there and there was no need to throw things. The Yankees fan who she was directing her comments to was a female with quick wit and responded that she “hadn’t thrown anything, you crazy b*tch.” This set off a series of cataclysmic events:

1. The people directly behind us, as well as me and my girlfriend, started chanting “Crazy B*tch!”, which then prompted the woman to look for the NYPD in the stands and plead for help, when then led to blank stares from the uniforms, upon which the woman decided to show her dismay by flipping off the police;

2. All of this then prompted a Yankee fan to stand up and shout to the PD that they should check the woman’s water bottle. She then stood up and said “You wanna check it, here!” and threw it at him. No sooner did it bounce off his chest than there were NY’s finest up in the stands telling the woman she had to leave. She then proceeded to cry (along with her 7-year-old son… welcome to the Bronx, buddy).

3. The NYPD hearts must’ve grew three sizes that day because they let her stay. After this was all said and done, Farnsworth gave up another long ball and she stood up and pointed her hands in a “Y” shape and said “Thank you!” She was then pelted with more sunflower seeds and the NYPD turned to look at the field… apparently they knew she would be worse off in the stands with 50,000 pissed off Yankees fans surrounding her than out of the Stadium and out of harm’s way. The boys in blue are crafty little bastards.

As for the rest of the weekend– I watched basketball… and I hate basketball, but at this point, I’m almost hating the league’s highest paid team, so I’ll do anything to take my mind off them. Give me a couple of hundred grand and I can bat .180 and make a half dozen errors too. Bush league…

Why can’t we play like this against the Nationals? Watching Big Brown on Saturday got me thinking– in horse racing they give the colts blinders so they won’t be distracted by the surrounding environment. I think The Mets should give the opposing team Yankee caps because it seems like when play the Yankees, all of our problems go away– Oliver Perez turns into an ace, Jose Reyes turns into A-Rod circa 2001, perfect blend of speed and power… and even Carlos Delgado becomes a threat in the lineup. Good to know Jason Giambi’s golden thong works for one of the NY teams .

Because Oliver Perez’s oral herpes says so.

They managed to turn Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, and Carlos Delgado into productive players.

By the way, if you check out today’s box score, one thing becomes painfully obvious: Giambi’s thong is clearly our best player right now.

This issue of Spanish-speaking people ducking their English-speaking counterparts is not just limited situations where Spanish-speaking players avoid the English-speaking media. Ask an INS worker, police officer or any type of investigator how many Spanish people are able to speak English when they’re asked questions, and you’ll see what I mean. And while this issue is not limited to just Spanish-speaking individuals, the language barrier between English and Spanish is often used as a shield from difficult situations (Sammy Sosa, anyone?). So, I sympathize with Billy Wagner when he says it’s time for his “other” teammates to step up and be accountable for their poor play. It sure is easy to talk to the media and make bold proclamations in spring training when everything is hunky-dory. But, when everything starts to go down the toilet, there are no Jimmy Rollins-like proclamations that “We are going to the win the division”… just empty lockers. I guess if we want to hear someone other than Billy Wagner and David Wright talk about the Mets failures we should turn the on the SAP and watch some ESPN Deportes (for those of us who “no habla espanol”).