First, before I precede any further I have to talk Grand Theft Auto IV. That game is amazing and is a definite must have if you own a Play Station 3 or Xbox 360. I have already sacrificed a week of my life to it, and instead of writing articles, I have been wreakin’ havoc as Nikko in Liberty City. Speaking of wreaking havoc, injuries and youth have decimated the Yankees and the 2008 season is very much in peril (who would have thought on May 2, 2008, the Tampa Bay Rays would be in first place and Joe Torre’s Dodgers would have a better record). Things are not looking good in the Bronx as the Yankees’ two most indepensible everyday players (A-Rod, and Posada) are on the DL along with their top young pitcher Phil Hughes (it sounds like him and Carl Pavano have a lot to talk about in Tampa). Unfortunately for Brian Cashman, his scapegoat now manages in LA and his hand picked manger does not look too good right now.

Coming into the season the Yankees stressed “physical” fitness to prevent injuries because under Joe Torre the players were “out of shape”. Along those lines, we all heard about how much running the Yankees were doing in spring training and what great shape everyone was in. Fast-forward to today and their top starting pitching prospect broke his rib (I wonder how?) and both A-Rod and Jeter have suffered quad injuries (Maybe there was too much running in spring training?). In addition to those, Jorge Posada has been placed on the DL for the first time in his career with a strain shoulder. I say all this to point out that Brian Cashman may come to regret (sooner rather than later) firing Joe Torre. For all of Torre’s well-chronicled lack of in-game management skills, this is the time that Torre was at his best; he was able to take the blame and lead his team through the rough times. So far, Joe Girardi’s been showing that he can’t handle the heat that comes with a rocky start in the Big City. Now Cashman has to take responsibility for his flawed off-season plan. In the off-season, I wrote that the Mets once tried to build a contender with three young pitching prospects in the mid 90’s and failed miserably. Cash is heading down the same path, as the Yankees are not going to make the postseason this year with the way rest of the division is playing. His trio of young pitchers has failed him big time this year. Ian Kennedy was obviously not ready for the big leagues, and Phil Hughes is pretty much done for the season (Phil Hughes has been on the DL 2-times already in the last two years while Johan Santana been on the DL twice in his entire career). And while Joba has been great in his set-up role, there is no guarantee that he will be an ace as a starter. This, combined with the age finally catching up to the rest of the Yankee roster, has already put the Bronx in crisis mode.

The way the season is going both Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman might be looking for new jobs in the off-season. The gap between the rest of the AL east and the Yankees has closed significantly this season. This past weekend’s series between Tampa and Boston was actually a big one (I never though that Tampa would ever be involved in one of those). The Yankees with out A-Rod and Posada are not a very good offensive team (despite what took place this weekend) and apart from Wang, the Yankees’ starting pitching is a crapshoot. For a 200 million dollar roster, this is unacceptable and it’s time that Brian Cashman is held responsible for his decisions. However, unlike his father, I don’t think Hank has the balls to make the tough decision and “fire” his GM.

Hello SC nation, remember me? Your favorite writer is back from a brief hiatus. Luckily I haven’t really missed much because A) As much as I enjoy playing hockey and watching it in person, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the NHL playoffs. B) I love basketball, but I find the NBA about as exciting as skin cancer and C) I love baseball, I love the Red Sox, but it’s tough to get emotionally invested in a game when you know there are 153 of them left to be played. (The MLB season is so ridiculously long that someone who knew absolutely nothing about baseball would probably think I was exaggerating there, but no, that is actually the case in April.) That being said, there are a few noteworthy items that I feel compelled to briefly comment on in a segment that may or may not become a regular thing for me and is tentatively titled, “what the hell are you supposed to be?”

Hank Steinbrenner is a f#&@ing clown: When it was announced that George’s son would be taking over for him, I made the mistake of taking this news seriously. I was completely unaware that this was just an elaborate Saturday Night Live skit where Darryl Hammond pretends to be George Steinbrenner’s son and does a caricature of George, ranting and raving more than George does in real life and making comically ludicrous comments. Well done SNL, you duped me. I do find the whole, “my daddy was rich enough to own his own baseball team, so that makes me more qualified to manage a baseball team than any of the professionals hired by my pops, and also makes me more knowledgeable than a man who spent fifteen years catching in the major leagues about handling pitchers” routine exceptionally humorous. And to top it off he called anyone who would not insert Joba into the starting rotation (insert the best GM in baseball to get zero respect from his owners and newly hired manager who happens to be a beloved ex-Yankee) an idiot. Truly high comedy. I rank this skit right up there with “More Cowbell.”

Speaking of Joba, while watching the Sox-Yanks on YES last week I saw a commercial for a show where Joba was interviewed with his father. I didn’t see the actual show, but in the commercial we saw Joba laughing at one point and he looked exactly like that kid in high school who wasn’t officially retarded but everyone knew he was straddling the line between “can pass as normal” and “should probably wear a hockey helmet at all times.” Every school had at least one of these kids right? Needless to say, I was delighted to see the new pride of the Yankees shown in this light.

Chad Johnson is a f$%^ing baby: Chad Johnson isn’t happy playing for the Bengals and having been the second highest paid receiver over the past three years. He is demanding that he be traded or he will sit out next season. I LOVE that Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have responded with, “Go ahead, sit out, we’ll be happy to save all that money.” I just hope the Bengals front office is solid enough to really see this through to the end and not bow to the pressure come September. The truth is, Chad is an overrated, overpaid, under-producing infant that needs to be coddled and throws a fit when Marvin Lewis has anything harsh to say about him. He’s been lucky enough to benefit from the talent around him on the Cincinnati offense and probably isn’t even the best receiver on his own team. I really do hope Chad has to sit out this entire season. Perhaps it will show him that he is NOT bigger than the team. Unfortunately though, it probably won’t.

Danica Patrick is a f*%&ing winner: In case you didn’t hear, Danica finally got her first IndyCar victory this past weekend in Japan, to which I responded, “They race Indy cars in Japan?” I am happy for Ms. Patrick. I thought all the criticism that was directed her way for not having won a race was a little unfair. I don’t know a lot about racing but I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of guys that never win a race at the top level. I will say I was pretty shocked to hear that she won though, because we all know how awful women are at driving.

MFH is f$&#ing lucky: I received a grand jury summons a few weeks ago, and it came as a total shock to me (though still not a shocking as a chick winning a driving competition) that for grand jury duty one must report twice a week for TWO MONTHS. Needless to say I was not interested in that. On the first day I had to report we were all herded into the court room and after a sleep-inducing speech by the lady in charge our juror numbers were put into a bingo-type device. There were about sixty people there to fill up 23 slots so odds were I wouldn’t get picked. And if the 23 who were selected all got season tickets to the Giants I would never have been selected, but since the 23 numbers that came up got jury duty, of course my number was pulled. Next came excuse time: “I have two kids with cancer and I need to take care of them.” “My son just tried to commit suicide.” “I have a medical condition where I can’t sit for an extended period of time, here’s a note from my doctor.” (Note from the doctor is always clutch. All you kids out there listen up, find the kid in your class most likely to become a doctor and become his/her best friend. Doctor’s notes can be key in so many situations: “Rob missed work, not because he was hungover, but he was actually sick again for the third Friday in a row.” “Adam will be missing the next week because of emergency surgery, not because it’s supposed to be 80 and sunny every day.” “The massages Matt has been getting are medically necessary and should be covered by his health insurance.” “Scott needs steroids because of a testosterone deficiency.” “Brian needs medical marijuana because of his unusually high anxiety.” You get the point.) So after all of these great excuses for not serving on the jury the lady asked, “Does anyone else have a problem serving?” I raised my hand because I DID have a problem. I had better things to do with my time. I mean it was two days a week for TWO MONTHS. So I boldly stated, “I don’t have a good excuse, it’s just a busy time at work right now and would be much easier for me if I could serve sometime in the future.” Well SC nation, you should have seen the look on the face of “suicidal kid guy” and “double cancer child lady” when the woman in charge replied with, “ok, what would be a better time?” Not only that, but I wasn’t almost killed by any crazy woman drivers on the way home. How’s that for luck?

Any women who want to take issue with my comments about their driving abilities (or lack thereof) can comment below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com

One of the best Zeke “tribute” videos I’ve seen thus far…

Thanks to Hot Clicks for the link.

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, last Friday Donnie Walsh mercifully ended the Isiah Thomas era… but not before Zeke’s chapter in Knick history produced the worst 5-year stretch the organization had ever seen; he single-handedly (ok fine, with a little help from James Dolan) turned the New York Knicks into an NBA laughing stock. Still, even with Isiah banished from public view (unfortunately he is still on the Garden payroll), it’s still not safe to be a Knick fan. Donnie Walsh still has many more steps to take before we can all take the paper bags off our heads.

The next two decisions by Walsh will determine what direction the Knicks– and their fans– will take. First, Walsh has to hire a new GM to help rebuild the franchise. As we’ve seen from past mistakes Scott Layden and Isiah, both of whom proved inept in talent evaluation and their salary cap management, finding the right dude for the job won’t be as easy as it seems. Hopefully, Walsh hires someone in the mold of Brian Colangelo, someone who knows how to identify young talent and can build teams from the ground up. I’m not sold on Walsh being up to the task. Even though Donnie had a great run in Indy, the past 4 years or so the Pacers have been horrible and the Garden faithful won’t settle for him grooming a Larry Bird-type like he did over in Hicksville.

Second, Donnie has to hire a good coach. Again, that may seem like a given, but the Knicks haven’t had a good coach since Lenny Wilkens was fired (Editor’s note: was Wilkens even alive during his tenure? Just wondering). Most Knick fans will say that Jeff Van Gundy was the Knicks last good coach, but people forget that when Wilkens was fired he had a 40-41 record (Editor’s note: this is what the Knicks have reduced their fans to– a game under .500 is considered “good.” Have you no shame, James Dolan?). If Zeke had a similar record this year he probably would have gotten a lifetime contract from Jimmy Boy. And all of this is forgetting arguably Donnie’s biggest task– revamping the Knicks’ strength and conditioning program. Guys like Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph and Quentin Richardson (I won’t even mention Jerome James… wait… crap!) were woefully out of shape this season. The Knicks have clearly been the worst conditioned team in the NBA for a while now and half the roster has a$$es bigger than J-Lo’s.

Donnie, just please do something… ANYTHING, to make me want to even watch this team beyond opening night next year. After spending most of my life rooting for players like Charles Oakley, Patrick Ewing and John Starks, guys who played the game the right way, it’s a crying shame that these current Knicks are even allowed to play in the same building. Hopefully Donnie makes the right decisions and the Knicks have a little luck in the draft. Because right now, I feel about as safe being a Knick fan as Dick Cheney would living in Iran.

Alright, so I may be a little biased here considering I want absolutely nothing to do with him, but check out this little gem Scott Skiles’ people delivered to the New York Post:

The Skiles camp was disappointed Donnie Walsh did not contact them this weekend. Skiles played for Walsh in Indiana.

“They’re not going to get a chance to speak to him now,” a source close to Skiles said. “The Knicks head coach is not going to be Scott.”

Damn, I mean where do we even go from here now that Scott Skiles won’t be our coach? Might as well just dismantle the franchise, pack up our things, and call it a day. I mean is he serious right now? First of all, Skiles obviously showed himself to be the little b*tch that he is for acting like one here. “Oh, well you don’t want me? Well how’s this– I DON’T WANT YOU!” Haven’t we all heard that from an ex-girlfriend or two, not to mention some variant of that dialogue when we refuse to buy some busted chick a drink– the old “F@$k you, a$$hole” line ring a bell? In all seriousness though, this is exactly why we didn’t want the guy in the first place– he’s coached two teams, been fired from both, obviously has never finished out a contract– and yet he thinks he’s God’s gift to the NBA. Anyone still wondering why his players tune him out after a year or so? The inmates are still running the asylum at Madison Square Garden and, suffice it to say, there’s isn’t any room left for another patient.

In addition to hitting up Yanks/Sox on Thursday night (almost wished I hadn’t), I rolled up to Boston to visit some old stomping grounds and such this weekend. Problem was, I didn’t have internet access like I thought I would, and hence, Subway Chatter remained in mid-week mode while all kinds of crazy shizz took place over the last 48+ hours (Zeke getting canned and the Rangers making good on my prediction just to name a few). In any event, I’ll be sure to catch everyone up on what’s been happening… or, more accurately, I’ll be catching up with the rest of you…

V.

This is an odd talent to have. It won’t get you chicks, and it certainly won’t get you money… but apparently it will get you all over the internet, land you a bunch of gigs at elementary/middle schools across the country, and force Michael Jordan and Larry Bird to buy you a Big Mac, which I guess is all you can really ask for if you’re this guy. Then again, it wouldn’t shock me if Isiah Thomas tries to offer him the full veteran’s exception before he gets fired tomorrow.

Thanks to X-Cell for the video.

As Seinfeld proved, sometimes real life produces the greatest comedy. Well, Chuck Wipple and I were talking on AIM, and as is typically the case with mid-20s males, the convo centered around two things… here, I’ll let you find out for yourself… (these aren’t our real screen names, so don’t go crazy when we don’t show up on your buddy list)

Monnie D.: yo, how good is [Derrick] rose?
Chuck: I hope we get a top two pick, we need rose bad
Monnie D: if we have a guy like rose, we can be good again in 2 years
Monnie D: look at the impact guys like chris paul and derron williams had (we talked about this the other night)
Monnie D: the jazz weren’t even a playoff team… they get williams, they are among the league’s elite
Monnie D: and paul? forget it
Chuck: yea… it will be so bad if the Knicks get stuck with like the # 4 pick
Monnie D: yeah goodness… i mean who would we even take? mayo? gordon?
Chuck: I dunno… there is no true point guard really after rose, and we need a point guard BAD… mayo and gordon are like combo guards
Monnie D: if we get mayo then we should trade jamal for a bag of crap
Chuck: or he could just be a bigger version of jamal crawford… i don’t think he plays much defense either
Monnie D: i don’t know why people are so down on him… i thought his defense was pretty good the four times i saw him play… his arms are so damn long you just can’t get around him
Monnie D: even the game where he sucked against UCLA… it was more his team just being horrible than anything else
Monnie D: i think that’s what hurt him… he was on a team that sucked, and people had hyped him up to be the next lebron
Monnie D: so now everyone’s down on him cause he isn’t… i mean fine, he’s not lebron… but if he’s dwayne wade that’s not bad
Chuck: that’s true… but rose is the only franchise changer in this draft
Monnie D: yeah no question
Monnie D: yo women in the 50s and 60s were so much hotter than they are now
Chuck: what makes u say that?
Monnie D: i dunno i guess just in a general sense… it seemed like women were way more attractive…. like hollywood wise i guess… most of the chicks in showbiz today are borderline heinously ugly
Monnie D: but back in the day they were all sexy… today chicks are only thought to be hot if they are pin-thin
Monnie D: but back then they had some real curves… they looked like grown women, not like chicks just starting puberty…
Chuck: lol… i was thinking the same exact thing
Monnie D: none of this BS where they play chick sports until they are 18 and have no boobs and no hips… i guess Scarlett Johansson is the lone exception
Chuck: they have to look frail to be considered hot
Monnie D: yeah it’s ridiculous
Chuck: look at Jessica Alba, she was so hot when Dark Angel came out and then she lost all that weight and lost all of her body
Monnie D: wow so true… i mean perfect example… alessandra ambrosio… yeah she’s insanely hot and i’d absolutely give my left whatever just to stand next to her for five minutes… but i’d like her better if she had C-cups and some hips, ya know?
Chuck: exactly
Monnie D: this is my kinda chick…
http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/afternoon_delight_denise_milani/2198/
Monnie D: now don’t get me wrong… her boobs are too big
Monnie D: but still… that’s how women are supposed to look… like they’ve got some meat on them, like they can take some punishment…
Monnie D: like their moms were feeding them and not constantly reminding them what fat monsters they were going to become if they wanted to have a cheeseburger every once in a while
Chuck: wow yeah now she is hot
Chuck: ur right though, her boobs aren’t for long time use… need to get the 4-year power train warranty on them… have to get frequent breast lifts
Chuck: but these are things u have to look for in a partner
Monnie D: absolutely… hip to waist ratio is just as important as personality type, propensity for loyalty… absence of golddigging, etc.
Chuck: like i said up there, it’s just like getting a car
Chuck: if u get a volvo, u sacrifice looks for dependablity… u get a bmw, you get more features but it’s harder to maintain as it ages
Chuck: see this is why it’s better to “lease”
Monnie D: yeah wow, great call… brb, gotta take care of something

I know this was somewhat of a foregone conclusion, but Patrick Ewing was elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame this afternoon. Sure, he never won a title, and yeah, his penchant for missing clutch free-throws (not to mention that blown finger roll in game 7 against Indiana in ‘95) ruined my childhood on several separate occasions, but there’s no denying that ol’ number 33 is the greatest Knick ever (which also might explain why the franchise has just two championships in its 62-year history, but that’s besides the point). Plus, they had to find a place in Springfield for the guy who introduced legions of NBA players to the all-important traveling move, a move that has become as big a part of the game today as more conventional maneuvers like dribbling and passing. Anyways, congrats Patrick. ‘Ew’ da’ man!

Say what you want about Patrick Ewing’s kid, but pa-dukes never threw down like that (it’s the third dunk in the clip). I know I’m a little biased here considering he’s the son of my all-time favorite Knick, but this might be the best dunk I’ve ever seen in a competition (any of the five slams Vinsanity threw down in the 2000 Dunk Contest notwithstanding).

Even the 137-million-dollar-man proved no match for the Braves as they beat the Mets 3-1 today, sweeping the rain-shortened two-game series. What else is new? As usual, the Mets bent over and let the Braves have their way with them and now they’re below .500 on the season. For that matter, my quality of life would be exponentially better if I never had to see our batters face John Smoltz again, thanks. Hopefully ATL continues its losing ways against the rest of the league because it seems that so long as Ollie Perez isn’t going against the Bravos, the Mets don’t have a prayer. But seriously, for $137 million, you would think Johan could throw a complete-game shutout against the Braves, right? And, for the record, John Maine is not going to win 20 games this year, no matter how many of you took him in the first few rounds of your fantasy draft. (Yes, as you may have heard before, spring training stats are worth about as much as the hot air coming out of Isiah Thomas’ mouth.)

It goes without saying, but this is by far one of the greatest plays in Knick history, if not NBA history. Here’s a little Monnie D. back-story to this whole thing: game 3 of the ‘99 Conference Finals was being played the night of my junior prom. These were obviously the days before live score updates on your celly and all that jazz, but nothing was going to stop me from keeping an eye on things. I put the game on in the limo all the way up to where the prom was being held (my date was slightly annoyed by this). During the walk-in and early evening festivities I kept bugging the caterers to get me score updates (my date was becoming progressively more pissed). Once dinner rolled around and I got word that we were trailing for much of the second half, I made about three or four 5-minute bathroom breaks to check the score in the back room where all the catering staff was sneaking a peek at the game (I think my date told my friend that she wanted to go home at this point. Not sure if that actually happened because my buddy’s GF relayed the message to me as more of a threat than anything else, but yeah, let’s just say the predestined after-prom hook-up was coming perilously close to not happening). Then, with dinner finished, I ducked out while everyone was taking pictures to catch the final 2 minutes. Sure, my date didn’t speak to me for the next three hours, but how many people get to say that they went to their junior prom and witnessed the greatest play they will ever see… all in the same night?! Even if it got me a kick in the junk I would still think it was worth it.

By the way, check out Chris Childs at the bottom of the screen– he’s got the touchdown signal going before the ball even gets close to the rim. If ever there was a team that displayed a blind sense of confidence, it was the ‘99 New York Knicks.

The first step in the New York Knicks’ road to redemption has been begun with the installment of Donnie Walsh as President. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again– I don’t necessarily believe Donnie is the best candidate for the job… but he’s an obvious upgrade over Isiah Thomas, so that’s reason enough to be excited. Now we just have to hope that Donnie doesn’t succumb to the pressure of winning in New York and sticks to his goal of having cap flexibility after the 2009-2010 season (LeBron, LeBron, LeBron!!!).

As if Donnie Walsh’s press conference/the End of the Isiah Thomas Era wasn’t enough, those cheeky bastards at MSG shocked us all by trotting out Tina Cervasio to anchor MSG Network’s coverage of the presser. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I’ve always been a big Tina Cervasio fan. I didn’t want to admit it while she was a glorified Red Sox cheerleader, fellating her way up the NESN ranks, but now that she’s on board at MSG, I can admire her hotness without risk of being called a turncoat. Now don’t get me wrong– I’m not saying she’s insanely hot or anything like that. In fact, she doesn’t even crack my top-10, let alone my top-20. But there’s just something about her I kinda dig. At first you don’t notice her all that much because she doesn’t have Erin Andrews-type talent, but then all of a sudden you realize she’s got a cute face, a great tan, a good sense of style, and those strawberry-blonde highlights and lip gloss give her a porny look that leads you to believe she’d know her way around an extracurricular activity or two. Man, I gotta hand it to James Dolan today, he really broke out the heavy artillery. First he gives Bronx Donnie full autonomy, which guarantees that Zeke is out of at least one job, and then he throws Tina Cervasio into the mix to put the cherry on the proverbial sundae. I mean, really, does it get any better than this? Next thing you know, LeBron will be promising to sign with us for the veteran’s exception in 2010. I know that sounds crazy, but after having Tina Cervasio look into my eyes and read those teleprompted words “Donnie Walsh is the President of the New York Knicks” live from MSG, I believe anything’s possible.

How are you celebrating? I’m popping a bottle of champagne because this almost certainly means Zeke will be a goner. Sure, for the time being Isiah will keep his spot on the bench to make sure we lose 7 of our remaining 8 games and lock up a top-3 pick in the draft, but after that he’s d-u-n, DONE. So don’t go flinging yourself out a window when all the New York papers tell you Isiah’s staying, because he’ll only be here for the duration of his usefulness, and– I never thought I’d say this– but he’s pretty much the perfect coach for us right now. It’d be one thing if he were canceling practices and the players were putting forth zero effort in like say, oh i don’t know, November and December (which happened anyway, but that’s not the point). But with 54 losses already under our belt and Derrick Rose and Mike Beasley ready to lower their schools’ respective graduation rates, why fire Zeke now?

As far as Donnie Walsh goes, I’m still somewhat in Chuck Wipple’s camp when it comes to trusting Bronx Donnie (that’s my mafia name for him until Consiglieri comes up with a better one) with the Knick franchise, but after seeing this stat, I’ve become slightly more optimistic: In Walsh’s 22 years overseeing the franchise as GM, the Pacers made the playoffs 17 times, with six Eastern final berths and one Finals appearance. Alright, so maybe he’s not Jerry West and doesn’t have a luxury box full of Larry O’Brien trophies, but I’ll take 6 conference finals births any day of the week. Heck, that’s 2 more than we have in the last 35 years!!! Plus, who better than a New York guy to bring us our first title in over 3 decades (it’ll be 4 by the time we’re good enough to even entertain the notion as it is)? Either way, today’s a great day… unless you’re a Met fan, of course.