Hello Kiddies. It’s time for another installment of “What the hell are you?” Before I get to it, I need to acknowledge something first: It used to be that any time you saw “MFH” on the top of a Subway Chatter entry you knew you were about to read something entertaining and insightful. It was as reliable as turning on MTV on the weekend and seeing America’s Next Top Model (come on MTV, I’d rather watch the meaningless drivel they talk about on The Hills or the lost episodes of the Real World: Poughkeepsie). Lately however, any piece bearing my name has been a lesson in mediocrity. Forget entertaining and insightful, you’ve been lucky to get one of the two, and unfortunately it’s been entertainment that has been lacking most often. The trash that follows is further proof of my dedication to mediocrity with slightly more entertainment value than I’ve been giving you recently. Perhaps a time will come when I will again strive for excellence, but for now you’ll have to get by on another “What the hell are you?” (I hate the title but I’m not creative enough to come up with a good one so please send your suggestions to mfh@subwaychatter.com or write them in the comments section)

Danica Patrick is a f&$^in’ chick driver: Well, well, well, not even a month after I boldly proclaimed to the world how shocked I was that a woman could win a driving competition given how atrocious chicks are behind the wheel, Danica Patrick showed her support for me by plowing into another team’s crew member while practicing for the Indy 500. There has been no comment from IndyCar officials or Danica’s camp on the rumors that she didn’t have her eye on the road because she was busy texting her bff.

OJ Mayo is a f#$*in’ kid: OJ Mayo allegedly took thousands of dollars in cash, clothing, airline tickets, cell phone service, meals, hotel rooms, and a flat screen TV from the representative of a sports agent while in high school and college. I’ll start by saying I don’t particularly like OJ Mayo, I think he’s kind of an ass. That said, back when I was an 18 year old basketball star, had I been good enough to warrant these kinds of gifts from agents and their cronies I would have had an extremely difficult time turning them down. If I were offered cash like OJ was, I’d have taken it. If I were offered a hotel room like OJ was, I’d have taken it. If I were offered clothing like OJ was, I’d have said, “Thanks for the Sean John and Enyce clothes, but I’m white, can I exchange them for some CK and Guess?” Just last night some friends and I were reminiscing about some of the stupid things we did in high school and college - things we would never do now because we know what the consequences could be (most of which can not be explicitly written because I don’t think the statute of limitations has run out). And trust me, while many of the dumb things we did could have resulted in death or incarceration, none of them carried the potential benefit of a flat screen TV. If the allegations are true, as much as I dislike OJ, I can’t blame him for accepting these gifts.

By the way, if we really want to stop this sort of thing from happening, sanctions on the high school or college team the kid played on do NOTHING. We need to get all of the major professional leagues together, the NBA, NFL, MLB, and yeah I guess the NHL and say, “if you are caught illegally giving gifts to an amateur athlete, you can never represent an athlete in any of these 3 ½ major professional leagues.” Also, whichever agency is being represented at the time needs to be hit with a HUGE fine – I’m talking in the millions. They stand to make millions by signing the guy, they should stand to lose millions by breaking the rules to try to get him.

As for the player, any amateur caught taking gifts should be forced to go on a date with Star Jones and after listening to her yap all night about nonsense, the offending party has to end the date with a public make-out session with that extraterrestrial. That’ll teach ‘em.

Spygate is F$#@in’ tired: This could have been written months ago. I’m so sick of this non-story, and have been pretty much from the beginning. I’m tired of people on both sides of it arguing their obviously biased points. The media got a hold of a story about an NFL powerhouse possibly cheating and beat us over the head with it for far too long. It got to the point where this morning, when Matt Walsh finally met with Roger Goodell, I was promptly informed at 8:25AM when Matt Walsh arrived at the NFL offices. That’s great info, but you’re not going to tell me what he ate for breakfast, what color tie he’s wearing, or whether he took the first step with his right or his left leg? (My guess is his right, but that’s purely speculation) How am I supposed to make it through the day without knowing these essential details? I can only pray that now that the meeting is over and no new evidence has come to light we can finally get passed this nonsense and move on to important stories in the world of sports – like TO’s new sitcom with Flavor Flav.

MFH is a f@&%in’ a$$: I woke up late Sunday morning on my friend’s couch feeling like I had been hit by a Buick and immediately had the following text exchange with another of my friends:

Friend: U okay my friend Courtney was looking for u?

MFH: oh

Truth be told, I had a vague recollection of talking to a blonde girl for a few minutes, I certainly did not remember multiple hours. I pulled myself off the couch and stumbled out to my car. I hadn’t yet bought a mother’s day gift for my mother and reluctantly stopped at the mall on my way home. As I staggered into the mall I enlisted the help of my sister for a quick gift idea. The following is how I ended the conversation:

I reek like booze this is embarrassing

And it was. I got in and out as quickly and with as little human contact as possible. Though I tried to hide from those judgmental people in the mall, I could not hide from myself. I am a humungous ass. Why does anyone still love me?

Alright so I was wrong (it does happen from time to time). This year’s Final Four was not even close to the greatest of all time. The semi-finals sucked. Save for the brief comeback attempt by North Carolina that really never worried me (as someone who bet on Kansas), there was little drama and little excitement. I enjoyed myself because five of my friends and I grilled and watched the games, and any time you combine these six particular characters and beer it’s a good time. However, anyone who watched the semi-final games alone or with a boring group of people was left sorely disappointed, I’m sure.

Given the lead up to the finals that the 2008 tourney provided, I was very skeptical that we would get a good game on Monday night. Well Monday night’s game turned out to be great. Memphis blew a seven point lead late in the game, largely due to their inability to hit clutch free throws. Who remembers when John Calipari told us all he wasn’t worried about his team’s free throw woes? Those of us who stayed up to watch the end were treated to a phenomenal ending when Mario Chalmers hit a tough three to tie the game and send it into overtime, which Kansas dominated. So the question is, did Mario Chalmers win the game, or did Memphis lose the game at the free throw line? I’m still going back and forth with myself on that one.

In overtime, Kansas, as if mocking Memphis’ ineptitude at the line, went 4 for 4 from the charity stripe to solidify the victory. This led to a highly comical moment that too many people on the east coast missed. As soon as the final buzzer sounded, the Alamodome dumped about seventeen tons of confetti onto the court. So, while weeping over the heartbreaking loss they just endured, the Memphis players were bombarded with celebratory confetti. As my friend Gus put it, “Not only do you lose, but we’re having a party on your head.” You just lost the most important game of your life, but instead of waiting for you to get to the locker room before starting the celebration, we’ll just rain down this brightly colored confetti on you as you cry about your horrible defeat. I know this has happened before after championship games in various sports, but I have never seen such clear shots of players from the losing team covered in confetti, holding back tears, looking totally confused by their surroundings, much like girls in my buddy Rusty’s bed the morning after a blackout (minus the confetti of course). The dichotomy was brilliantly humorous. Kudos to CBS for getting the shots that brought me such joy. And I don’t even have anything against Memphis with their combined SAT score of 2000 (another Gus line). Imagine how much delight it would have brought me if that had happened to North Carolina and I could see that dumb Tyler Hansbrough with his “Wait a minute, this isn’t my third grade classroom” look on his face, tears streaming down, covered in confetti. Speaking of North Carolina…

…Roy Williams was spotted in the crowd with a Jayhawks’ sticker on his shirt. People are in an uproar over this and I would just like to ask, “Why?” The guy spent a good chunk of his career at Kansas, he had some great, memorable times there, and because of all the years he spent there, there are still people associated with the program that he truly cares about. Is it that unreasonable for him to still have a place in his heart for Kansas? I don’t remember Roy saying he’s glad Kansas went to the finals over North Carolina. Do we really expect him sever all allegiance to the school and program simply because he took a job someplace else? I would be surprised if he didn’t root for Kansas in all games not played against North Carolina. It’s like if you dated a girl for years, you lost your virginity to her, and she was your first love. Eventually you grow apart and another smoking hot girl (who you had a crush on since before you met your girlfriend) comes along and you begin dating her. About a year later you come across your ex-chick getting into a fight with a giant, beastly, dumb girl. Don’t you openly root for your ex in that situation? Even though you are totally committed to your new hottie, there have to be some feelings left for your ex given the history you had. Let Roy root for Kansas when the Tar Heels aren’t involved, there are bigger issues to get upset over. Like…

…The game tipping off at 9:21PM eastern. What the hell is up with that? I understand that the East Coast isn’t the only time zone watching the game, but it’s not like I’m asking for a 7:30 ET (4:30PT) tip. With a 9:20 tip the game ends at 11:30ish IF there is no overtime. If it’s a great game like everyone hopes and goes into overtime, now you’re looking at almost midnight before the game ends. Now I stayed up to watch the game because I can get into work pretty much whenever I want (people make those concessions for you when you’re so incredibly important to the organization), but I spoke with six different people at work who had followed the tournament pretty closely through the semifinals and not one of them stayed up to watch the end of Monday night’s game. “I can’t stay up that late anymore” and “I’d be useless today” and “I tried, but I fell asleep in the middle of the second half” were the excuses used. And I don’t blame them, I napped when I got home from work on Monday to guarantee I’d be able to stay up for the game (given I was still recovering from lack of sleep over the weekend). What is wrong with starting the game just one hour earlier? An 8:21ET tip off leads to an expected end time of 10:30ET, and with one overtime we’re looking at 11PM. Completely reasonable.

What about those in the pacific time zone, you ask? That would be a 5:21PT tip off. The majority of people are out of work by 5, so they have 20 minutes to get home and catch the entire game. Those that don’t get out until 6, or live in L.A. and have a much longer commute will still be able to catch the entire second half and overtime. With a 9:21 tip time, a very large number of east coasters were able to watch only the first half before it got too late. As a sports fan, given the choice, which would you rather see the first half or the second half and overtime? Com’on, that’s like asking, “As a heterosexual male, would you rather hook up with Megan Fox or this half-retarded midget with facial hair and three teeth?” (I guess some people have their fetishes) And given that more people live in the eastern time zone than any of the others (and almost three times as many as in the pacific time zone), why are the networks (CBS in this case) inconveniencing us easterners just so those inferior human beings out west can catch the first three minutes of the game? The answer has to be money, yet I can’t imagine more people are exposed to more commercial time with a 9:21ET start than with an 8:21ET start. As I laid it out above - and keeping in mind that the eastern time zone is the most populous time zone - it would seem to me that more people are exposed to more minutes of the broadcast with the earlier start time. I don’t know exactly how the ratings system works, but perhaps they only measure viewers at the beginning of the program? I don’t know, and I don’t really care. The bottom line is I am unhappy with these sporting events starting so late at night and I would like to see a change take place. I mean, what happens if I get a job we’re I’m not as important and I have to actually get to work by 7 or 8AM?

Got comments? Leave ‘em below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com. I am especially interested in hearing from anyone residing in the pacific time zone or who knows how the ratings system for television programs works.

On behalf of MFH, I’d just like to say WE TOLD YOU SO!!!. Hopefully you all followed our advice and won big bucks in your respective pools– I tore down the nets in all three of mine thanks to Mario Chalmers (or Memphis’ choke-job from the foul line, whichever you prefer). And if you didn’t? Well, at least now you’ll where to come before filling out your brackets next year.

I know Jessica Biel is hot, but I was holding out hope that Elisha Cuthbert (the future Mrs. MFH if Julianne Hough turns me down) had enough to take her down. Have you all seen The Girl Next Door? At least I did a good job seeding the movie region with the 1 and 2 seeds meeting in the regional final.

I can’t say I’m too surprised with the results of the TV Region, although I did think Vanessa Marcil – who got my vote – would squeak out a win over Stacey Keibler. Let’s face it though, Keibler had a huge height advantage (almost a foot) and that is just too difficult to overcome. Also, being one of the older competitors in this competition, I think Marcil, whom I was hoping to run into while I was in Vegas (did you know the Montecito isn’t a real hotel?), just ran out of gas.

It wasn’t tough to predict that Jessica Simpson would be a powerhouse in the Music Region – the weakest region in this year’s tourney. I was a little surprised by Shakira’s run through the first two rounds, and I’m pleasantly surprised that Carrie Underwood has what it takes to make the erotic 8 (or erection 8, what did we finally settle on?). I do expect Simpson to win the battle of “Tony Romo’s been there” by a fairly substantial margin. Either way I’d like to beat the hell out of Tony Romo just because he has such a better life than I do.

The strongest region this year has definitely been the Modeling Region. I knew Giselle was ripe for an upset and this was the round I was looking for it to happen. Let’s face it, Alessandra Ambrosio deserved better than a 5 seed (someone should have words with the committee over that dropped ball). She has to be the strongest 5 seed ever to partake in a 64 or 65 member tournament. I saw her making the regional final from the beginning and she has not disappointed, with three super strong performances. It’s rare to see a one seed get spanked like Giselle did in the Sexy 16 (yes I did just make reference to Giselle getting spanked). Speaking of spankings, I knew Marissa Miller was tough, but I thought Adriana Lima would put up a little more of a fight than she did. This was really not her best showing, I know she has more in her. This regional final is going to be a dog fight…er, cat fight. My money is on Double-A in a tight one.

Wait, did you think I meant thoughts on the NCAA tournament? I guess I can give you a few of those as well:

I love the way West Virginia plays basketball and I am a fan of Joe Alexander. The kid can flat out play. He actually reminds me of myself in my younger days, except I didn’t have the spring he has (however I would have made the free throw at the end of regulation to put them up one). Even though I had Xavier moving on in my bracket I was really rooting for WVU, mainly because I’d love to see those animals that attend West Virginia burn down half the campus in celebration if they went to the Final Four. This West Virginia-Xavier game was a great game, the kind of game you expect to see in the sweet 16. Unfortunately, this was really the only one this time around.

Western Kentucky hung in with UCLA for a while, which certainly was a surprise to me. They got down big and then came back to make it a game, but you never really got the feeling they actually had a shot to win. By the time there were two minutes left, UCLA was up ten and I was wishing I hadn’t stayed up until 12:30. UCLA looks vulnerable, but I think they match up pretty well against Xavier and they should stroll into the Final Four.

Carolina-Washington St. went exactly as I expected. Wazu kept Carolina’s score low, but failed to score more points than my fifth grade team (Editor’s note: we won the league championship that year, for the record) used to score and got blown out.

Tennessee looked bad in their loss to Louisville. They looked like a compilation of very gifted athletes with very little basketball intelligence. I really like Bruce Pearl. I think he did a good job with UW Milwaukee. He has a good sense of humor about himself and he obviously has a great passion for the sport and for his school. So it pains me to say this: Bruce Pearl may not be that great a coach. If you watched the game against Louisville you saw a very talented streetball team take on the Cardinals, who are coached by one of the best in college basketball. I was baffled as Tennessee constantly looked out of control trying to force themselves into the lane while throwing up blind, acrobatic shots that might go in 2 out of 10 times. Any good coach would have calmed them down and forced them to run an offense. Instead, they continued to look like an And-1 mixtape squad right through to the end of the game. You would think after four straight times rushing down the floor and wildly going at the basket 1 on 3, only to come up empty, an adjustment would have been made. But inexplicably there was no adjustment, and so predictably Louisville ran away with the game. Unfortunately for the ‘Ville, Carolina is well-coached, with more talent than Tennessee.

The Friday games were all blowouts, so there isn’t much to say. How about Davidson though? Stephen Curry is one hell of a player. If I had known he was this good before the tourney began, I would have picked them to go to the elite 8 in my pools rather than having them fall to Wisconsin in the Sweet 16. The kid (and the team) is truly a treat to watch. Too bad for them, they have to play Kansas on Sunday. Kansas is no Wisconsin or Georgetown; the Jayhawks will definitely put points up on Davidson. That said, despite having Kansas winning the whole thing, I would love to see Davidson pull a George Mason. However, I think they get beat by close to 20 on Sunday.

And now time for a little bragging:
Heading into this round I was in the 96.4 percentile on ESPN because of my uncanny ability to pick winners. I didn’t go upset crazy just so I could brag about picking San Diego (which I did not) and Siena (which I did) both right, while at the same time picking ten other upsets that never materialized. I have seven out of the eight Elite 8 teams correct and all my Final Four teams still alive. I hope you’ll keep this in mind next year when you think about ignoring my advice like some of those suckers out in Vegas did when I pushed Siena, Kansas St, and Davidson in the first round and West Virginia in the second round (which sadly I could not, as a Duke fan, put my own money behind).

Leave your own thoughts on either tourney in the comments section down below. Or email me with thoughts, ridicule, praise, or the addresses of any of our Tournament of Hotties competitors at mfh@subwaychatter.com

Another tournament game, another 30-plus-point performance for Dell’s boy, which begs the question– if Davidson fails to knock off Kansas… or UNC… or anyone else between now and San Antonio, will Curry be the first guy to be named the Tournament’s Most Outstanding Player regardless of whether or not his team is the one cutting down the nets after the Championship game?

I love March Madness. One of my favorite things to do has always been to park myself on the couch and watch the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament. Each year I will be watching the tournament, captivated by the dogfights and the upsets, thinking to myself, “it doesn’t get much better than this.” Well I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong (it doesn’t happen often). It DOES get much better. All of those years I could have been watching the game from a pool or a Vegas sports book, surrounded by twelve of my friends, being served free drinks by beautiful women. That’s right, as some of you know, this year I spent the first two rounds in Las Vegas with twelve of my friends. We went out there with one thing in mind— to bet on the NCAA tournament. While we were there, though, we figured we might as well have a ridiculous time. My only regret is that I was unable to stop you idiots from ousting the future MFH, Julianne Hough, in the first round of our Tournament of Hotties. Unlike The Sports Guy, I was too busy having fun to actually take the time to jot down notes on my trip. (And unlike The Sports Guy, I picked Kansas St. to take out USC in the first round while he had the Trojans going to the Final Four.) On the flip side, it’s now practically impossible for me to remember many details from the trip.

One event that does stick out in my mind is the Siena-Vanderbilt game on Friday afternoon. Most of our crew grew up right near Siena and have been rooting for them since we were kids. We all bet them pretty heavy against the spread and on the money line, and then we proceeded to take over a good-sized section of the Palms sports book, many of us donning the Siena Green and Gold. We told everyone who walked near us to bet Siena, “It’s a lock.” We had spent the early part of the day drinking by the pool and at the tables, so we were already a little drunk, but we convinced the cocktail waitress to keep fresh drinks coming our way for the whole game and make the rest of her area an afterthought. We cheered exceptionally loud for every good Saints’ play and shouted down anyone who dared clap for a Vandy bucket. To say we were a little obnoxious is to say Alessandra Ambrosia is mildly attractive. But that is exactly the way we wanted it. By halftime we controlled the entire sports book. We did a couple rounds of shots (that were promised if Siena took a lead into halftime) and mocked Roy, the poor fellow who, despite our warnings, bet Vandy and talked smack to us at the beginning of the game. As the Saints pulled away in the second half behind a phenomenal performance from Kenny Hasbrouck and great shooting by Tay Fisher, my friend Gus and I turned to each other and simultaneously exclaimed, “Oh my god, they’re actually going to do it.” To his credit, Roy hung in there as we danced around him chanting, “The Saints are coming” and other phrases that don’t translate well on paper but drew laughs from the crowd. In the final minutes we received numerous ‘thank you’s’ from the patrons who headed our words and bet Siena, “just because of you guys.” In the end, Siena won by 21, we all scored big on our bets (which we all lost back and then some at the tables), and we had one of the most enjoyable two-hour spans we’ve had in years. (Which was preceded by, and followed by many more of the most enjoyable two-hour spans we’ve had in years. After all, we were in Vegas.)

By the end of the trip, all twelve of us had lost money. One of the crew was detained by the police, one infiltrated a “vagine” that did not cost money, two fell in love with cocktail waitresses who claimed they were married, four had the best dinner ever at N9NE without paying the $450+ bill (thank you, Mr. Underhill), one walked the paparazzi line at Pure during K-Fed’s birthday party, six saw Fuk Yu and Fuk Me, one had the best week of his life twenty minutes into the trip, one went 38 straight hours without so much as a nap, three were turned off from Baccarat forever, four were kicked out of Coyote Ugly three minutes after arriving, one made out with a three hundred pound woman in the taxi line outside of Caesar’s…on purpose, and the following quotes (which could really only be said in Vegas) were either said or heard:

“Next thing I know, she’s makin’ out with my weena!”

And that’s just what I remember. Vegas baby, Vegas.

I thought the Rangers/Devils game was about as good as it could get, and really, can it get much better than seeing a guy score the game-winning goal with 3:06 left in the game while skidding along the ice ON HIS BACK?! (Make sure to catch the highlight. Sure, it was probably a lucky goal, but Chris “I eat big-game-situations for breakfast” Drury’s assist on the play was pretty impressive nonetheless.) Well, apparently during Tournament time that’s the wrong question to ask ’cause it can ALWAYS get better as the back-and-forth OT thriller between Xavier and West Virginia proved. R.I.P. Mountaineers– while you may not be moving on to the Elite 8, you will always hold a special place in our hearts for giving us the greatest moment of the Tourney thus far.

So as you stare at your bracket today, trying to figure out why you didn’t go with your gut because then you’d have the only perfect bracket in America, just think– it could be worse. You could be…

1) Virginia Tech: while the Hokies toil in the NIT, Stephen Curry has single-handedly shot the no-name Davidson Wildcats into the Sweet 16. For those of you who don’t know the backstory by now (which is pretty much impossible considering Jim Nance and Billy Packer have brought it up 938927389743 times during the Tournament), Curry’s dad, Dell, graduated from Va-Tech and went on to have a pretty solid NBA career. Well Dell’s kid, as you are all aware, isn’t too shabby himself, but VT didn’t offer him a scholarship. Now I know that he was 5′11″ coming out of high school and all (he’s now 6′3″), but still, it’s not like Tech’s churning out blue chippers. I’m pretty sure they could’ve found a spot for him on their roster or, at the very least, they could’ve extended some common courtesy to Dell and let his kid be the 12th man. I mean come on, if a guy makes it to the NBA, isn’t it just understood that his kid is going to be offered a scholarship by his dad’s alma mater no matter how good or bad he is? In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the 28th amendment or something. Someone needs to lose their job over this because after watching Curry drop 70-points in two games, it’s pretty obvious this isn’t just a minor oversight– it’s a monumental error in judgment that borders on the absurd. Just think about it: imagine what Curry could be doing with an ACC-caliber supporting cast? Actually, I may want to rethink that…

2) Duke: I know, I know, the Duke loss was great, if, for no other reason, than to see Greg Paulus and the rest of the cast from Basketball Diaries have those smug looks smacked off their faces… but I still feel cheated. One of these days I want to know, once and for all, if that thing on Mike Krzyzewski’s head is the ridiculous looking toupee we all suspect it is. Disappointingly, I think it’s his own hair only because I don’t know why anyone would subject themselves to wearing something so heinous. Then again, Marv Albert’s been committing the same crime against himself for years, so what do I know?

3. The guy(s) trailing a chick/multiple chicks, in their pool(s): If being castrated is the worst thing that could happen to a guy, this is a close second. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a bit, but wow, the fallout from this scenario is devastating. As if chicks needed anything else to beat us over the head with, demonstrating superiority in an area that we typically exercise a veritable monopoly over — sports — is the ultimate tool of humiliation. At some point today you’ll be in the office or out getting drinks with fellow pool-mates, lamenting your crappy picks, when all-of-a-sudden the girl who’s winning the pool will jump in with some inane garbage that you know she’s just regurgitating from the 11PM Sports Center to explain why she picked a center-less Villanova squad to crack the Sweet 16. You know full-well the only reason she had ‘Nova getting this far is because her college roommate’s-best-friend’s-sister used to hook up with a guy who went to school there, but you can’t say sh*t because you’ll just look like a petty, chauvanistic asshole if you do. And if this chick happens to be your GF or wife, goodluck ever wearing the pants again in that relationship.

Alright, well hopefully not too many of you fell into that last category. If you did, here’s a little something that should have you feeling better in no time.

50 losses, baby!!! Ironically, it happened to fall on the same day that Mike Beasley’s season ended, which got me thinking: we need to cover our asses in case David Stern decides– out of the blue- not to rig the Draft Lottery in our favor. Call me crazy, but something tells me Beasley doesn’t give two sh*ts about maintaining his amateur status and, that being the case, someone from the Knick organization better start working his reps mercilessly to make sure that if we don’t end up with the number one pick, Beasley will go all “Eli Manning” on the team that drafts him and demand a trade to the Big Apple. In fact, if someone hasn’t already picked up the phone to call him tonight, Isiah Thomas should be fired for that reason alone.

Somewhere Dick Vitale is sobbing in a hotel room with a bottle of vodka in one hand, and a fist-full of sleeping pills in the other.

Alright, so I was wrong about St. Joe’s and St. Mary’s, but I’m now batting .333 with the Catholic schools ’cause I NAILED Siena over Vandy. Godspeed to every single dude out in the Loudonville, NY area tonight because it’s gonna be open season on hot Siena chicks looking to celebrate this life-altering event.

Speaking of good-looking chicks, we’re down to the wire in round-1 of the Tournament of Hotties. Voting closes at 12AM PST tonight. Get your votes in and check back tomorrow to see who moved on to the 2nd round!

While the Tournament of Hotties continues to blow up (thanks to everyone for voting!!!), the actual NCAA Tournament has been pretty exciting too. Apart from Duke nearly getting it’s biggest kick in the pants since the lacrosse scandal, the 1st day was relatively tame, but day number 2 is already making up for it big time. Here’s what I’m pondering as I brace for the love of my life, Julianne Hough, to be knocked out in the first round…

– I coulda swore I saw Greg Anthony throwing alley-oops to Larry Johnson, while the “Plastic Man” Stacey Augmon shut down Kent State’s guys for UNLV all game long. Man, was I ever wrong about that matchup. Though in fairness to me, if the real Kent State showed up in the first-half instead of mid-way through the second, I’d look like a genius right now.

– I was wrong about the Miami-St. Mary’s game too, though I’m not apologizing for that one. If you watched any of that contest, it became pretty obvious that Miami is horrible regardless of the outcome… but with the way Gonzaga and St. Mary’s sh*t the bed in this tournament, you gotta wonder if pigs will fly before the West Coast Conference gets an at-large bid again.

– Speaking of Gonzaga: I TOLD YOU SO! I never thought I’d see the day when Gonzaga would be an overrated albatross, resting on the laurels of its previous Cinderella-ing, but that day has come. And I know I told you all about the greatness of Stephen Curry, but I don’t care who it is– if you let a guy run around like a pedophile in a playground (30 2nd-half points, 40 overall for Curry on 14-22 shooting), I’m thinking the NCAA Tournament just isn’t the thing for you. As far as Curry goes, unlike most pro athlete’s children (namely Patrick Ewing, Jr.), he has a chance to be a much better NBA player than pa-dukes was. I mean the guy’s not even looking at the basket half the time when he shoots, and he’s got a lightning-quick trigger that would make John Wayne jealous.

– Sticking with that overrated theme, Duke is sh*ttier than any of us could have ever imagined. I thought the committee was trying to make up for sending them out West by fellating Coach K with cupcakes in the first few rounds, but they won’t even be around long enough to enjoy it. If West Virginia doesn’t send them to their second-consecutive 2nd round defeat, then Xavier will be waiting to send them back to hell in the regional semi-final. The funny thing about this is if I’m a Duke fan, I’m not half as worried as I’d be if I’m a UNC guy. No one expects Duke to win the whole thing, but if UNC doesn’t, this season will be considered a monumental failure. And, well, considering the Blue Devils were their stiffest competition in the ACC, a trip to the Final Four is no sure thing at this point.

– Any Baldwin not named Alec, Ashlee Simpson, Emilio Estevez, Nikki Hilton, Eric Roberts, Eli Manning… and you can now add Klayton Korver to the list of people who get an inordinate amount of media attention simply because their sibling is a big deal. No knock on Korver, who played a great game today, but he’s not even the third-best player on his own team.

– I don’t know what’s in the water down in Tampa (aside from insanely hot women), but just when you thought it couldn’t get any better than the Western Kentucky-Drake thriller, the UConn-San Diego game turned out to be just as good, if not better. Makes me feel pretty good about my Siena over Vandy upset pick.

Alright, that’s all for now. Enjoy the tournament and check back with us tomorrow when the Second Round of the Tournament of Hotties kicks off!!!

I know many of you are going down to the wire with your picks, so I won’t waste any time telling you what yours should look like… just make sure you check back with us for the unveiling of the incredible field of 64 in our first-ever Tournament of Hotties!

EAST REGION
Upset Special(s): (9) Arkansas over (8) Indiana– sure, a 9 over an 8 isn’t much of an upset, but purely from a rankings standpoint it is. Indiana’s been in full crash-and-burn mode since Kelvin Sampson’s dismissal, and they’ll complete the flame-out in the first round; (11) St. Joe’s over (6) Oklahoma– the only reason OU is ranked this high is because the committee has a bias for teams from major conferences. They struggled the entire season in a mediocre Big-12, and a balanced St. Joe’s attack will do them in; (3) Louisville over (2) Tennessee (in the regional semi-final)– again, wouldn’t be a major shocker, but pencil Rick Pitino’s boys into your Regional Final.

Regional Champ? UNC. They’ve been the media’s darlings the entire season, and while Louisville will give them a scare, CBS will see their beloved Tar Heels in Final Four.

MIDWEST REGION
Upset special(s):(9) Kent St. over (8) UNLV– people are all about UNLV right now, but Kent State’s been equally solid this season and I like their efficient half-court game to slow UNLV’s run-and-gun style; (13) Siena over (4) Vanderbilt– I’m not picking Siena just because I grew up down the road from the school. Vandy relies too much on the three-ball and the Saints have already enjoyed convincing wins against Stanford and Boise State this year. (Update: when I took another look at my 213892 brackets, I realized that I have (10) Davidson knocking off (7) Gonzaga. I know I’m getting a little crazy here with upsets, but here’s my dual-layered rationale: first, while this tournament is exceedingly top-heavy, the remaining matchups of middling teams are crapshoots– they could all produce blowouts by higher seeds just as soon as they could result in stompings handed out by underdogs, so they aren’t really upsets in your traditional sense; secondly– as specifically pertains to this game– Gonzaga is getting a lot of credit, most of it deserved, for simply becoming a mid-major fixture at the dance. What people fail to realize is Davidson is the new Gonzaga, and Wildcats’ guard Stephen Curry simply can’t be stopped.)

Regional Champ? Kansas. More on them in a bit (if the pic above didn’t give away my choice for national champ, then that definitely did).

SOUTH REGION
Upset Special(s): (10) St. Mary’s over (7) Miami– once again the committee’s hard-on for major conferences rears it’s ugly head (pun 100% intended). Miami sucks, and St. Mary’s will prove it; (4) Pittsburgh over (1) Memphis (in the regional semi-final)– Memphis racked up big wins against crappy competition. Then the one time they saw a team that played even a modicum of defense (Tennessee), they didn’t look so good… and, well, Pitt’s been known to play some pretty legit D of its own.

Regional Champ? Texas. They lost Kevin Durant to the NBA last June, and supposedly any shot at a national championship. Instead, D.J. Augustin and Co. stepped up and dominated the Big-12, and they’ll do the same to their opponents in the Midwest.

WEST REGION
Upset Special(s) None. The committee should be ashamed of the easy road it paved for UCLA and Duke to the Regional Final. Outside of Duke’s potential matchup against West Virginia in the 2nd round, the West has to be considered the biggest joke since Paris Hilton’s music career.

Regional Champ? UCLA. They defend better than anyone in the country, and they’ll bully the Blue Devils on their way to San Antonio.

Final Four: (1) Kansas over (1) UNC– could be the greatest Final Four matchup since Arizona outlasted Kentucky in overtime to win the title in ‘97; (1) UCLA over (2) Texas– another pretty decent game, but UCLA should win comfortably.

YOUR CHAMP: Kansas. I never thought I’d be on the bandwagon of a program that has made choking in the NCAA tournament it’s calling card. But I am. They are stacked at every position and, unlike in years-past, they have plenty of veteran studs in Brandon Rush, Darnell Jackson, and Mario Chalmers to lessen the load on super-soph Darrell Arthur in crunch time. It’s been said so many times that it’s almost cliched, but it’s the truth– Kansas is, by far, the most complete team in college basketball, and their superiority will show throughout this tournament.

And with that, goodluck with your brackets, and feel free to take all, or none, of my advice…

Even though I spent most of my week so far setting up SC’s own fantastic tournament (more on that later), I did get a chance to briefly look at the NCAA tournament and fill in my brackets. Here are some thoughts:

-UCLA has an easy road to the Final 4
-I’m not picking it, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Duke go down in round 2 to West Virginia
-Butler could win 2 games
-Siena matches up pretty well with Vandy and could definitely pull off the upset
-People love USC, but I think Kansas St. actually beats them in round 1
-I don’t like Washington St., and Winthrop was in the dance last year. Again I’m not picking it, but I wouldn’t be shocked.
-Drake is good, it’s too bad they’ll likely see UCLA in the Sweet 16
-My final 4 is North Carolina, Kansas, Texas, UCLA
-Kansas over UCLA in the Championship

Some general tournament thoughts:
-Don’t get too upset-happy; there’s never actually as many as people think they remember
-Really don’t be too upset-happy later in the tournament. #1 seeds OFTEN go to the final 4
-If you’re looking for a Cinderella, look for a high scoring team that’s been to the tournament before and has senior leadership

Since I will be spending the first two rounds in Vegas, I will be unable to comment on the craziness that ensues in the opening rounds, so try to make do without my brilliant commentary. And pray for me.

In accordance with the not-so-time-honored-tradition of the NCAA’s play-in game, we’ve organized a play-in of our own in the East-Region-Equivalent, and by far the most competitive, Movie Region. This game pits 64th-ranked Penelope Cruz– who likely would’ve been ranked much higher had she not virtually disappeared from the Hollywood scene in recent years– against 65th ranked Isla Fisher–whose low rank is the result of being Borat’s fiance, and being pregnant up until just a few months ago. Alright SC Nation, get to it! Tell us who should be moving on to the Opening Round of Subway Chatter’s inaugural “Tournament of Hotties.” Voting stays open until 12am Thursday.

V.