Yes, you read that correctly. That’s two pieces in a row by none other than MFH himself. I know some of you were beginning to wonder what happened to me since I haven’t posted anything in two weeks. Well, despite the wishes of some of you I did not die in a horrific car accident or get beaten into a coma for wearing my Red Sox jersey in the south Bronx. Nor, despite the wishes of…well me, did I run off and marry Amber Heard and spend the past week and a half in Hawaii for our honeymoon. No, I have been preparing for my move to Rochester, New York – the big time. I never imagined all the time that would go into this move. Do you have any idea how long it takes to find a good mattress that isn’t two G’s? By the way, never pay sticker price on a mattress. Mattresses are like cars, once you suggest you are going to look elsewhere, suddenly there’s an unadvertised one-day sale going on that can get you hundreds of dollars off the mattress you liked, “oh and I’ll call my manager and see if I can get you free shipping.” You never have to pay the asking price on a mattress, it’s always negotiable. Just a friendly tip from your pal MFH. I’m nothing if not helpful.

Anyway, on to my thoughts:
Across the country on sports talk radio and in the sports sections of local newspapers there has been a lot of debate about whether Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time and/or the greatest athlete in these Olympics, or even the greatest athlete of all time. Most of what I have been reading/hearing are proclamations that at least one of the above is true. Luckily your good friend MFH is here to set all of these lunatics straight.

By now you know that Michael Phelps scored himself eight gold medals – more than anyone else in history. It’s because of this alone that countless talking heads are ready to anoint him the greatest of all time. I have a serious problem with this. Michael Phelps is a swimmer. A swimmer is going to have the most gold medals in a single Olympics because there are so many similar swimming events. I realize there are different strokes with different nuances, but if you’re a strong swimmer, you’re a strong swimmer. Was Phelps’ feat impressive? Of course, but he didn’t exactly win gold in the 100 freestyle and the 200 butterfly, then jump out of the pool and take gold in the men’s floor in gymnastics, then hit the track and win gold in the 100 meter sprint, the 400 hurdles, and the hammer throw, then win gold in Greco Roman Wrestling before helping the USA basketball team gain redemption with a gold medal. THAT would be a hell of an athletic feat. THEN I would be ready to declare Michael Phelps the greatest Olympic athlete of all time. However Phelps didn’t earn his eight golds in such a remarkable manner; he won his gold medals swimming basically two strokes over two different distances. Again, what Michael Phelps accomplished was a great feat and worthy of being celebrated, but it’s reckless to call him the greatest Olympian of all time simply because he won so many gold medals. Phelps is a great athlete and a tremendous swimmer, but he benefited from the fact that the Olympics provide so many comparable events in his area of excellence. Just like if the Olympics offered events in drinking volume without puking, drinking volume while maintaining normal motor functions, speed drinking while trying to maintain moderation, volume peed out during a night of drinking, most miles walked because all money was spent on alcohol so none left for a cab, most money game spit to a chick after having a few drinks, most asshole-ish comment made to a chick after drinking a few too many, and dumbest/most embarrassing thing said to a female after drinking a few more than a few too many, then your boy MFH would be a celebrated winner of eight gold medals.

As far as the greatest athlete goes, my definition of a great athlete involves a person’s pure athletic ability and would naturally imply ability in multiple athletic activities. It does not involve being amazing at one specific athletic activity. Most people consider bowling a sport. Is one of those fatsos on the professional bowling tour a better athlete than a three sport high school star because the bowler has accomplished more in his chosen athletic endeavor (after all, he is a pro)? Phelps may have won eight gold medals in these Olympics, but Carl Lewis was a better athlete in his prime. He is a gold medal winner in sprints and the long jump. Jesse Owens and Jim Thorpe are superior athletes. Even in these Olympics, Jamaican sprinter Usane Bolt was a better athlete. How impressive was he the way he absolutely smoked the field in the 100 and the 200, smashing the world record in each? The entire United States men’s basketball team is comprised of better athletes than Michael Phelps. Every athlete competing in the decathlon is a better athlete than Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps is definitely a great athlete– he is the most accomplished athlete in Olympic history. But Michael Phelps is not the GREATEST athlete in these or any other Olympics.

More random Olympic thoughts:
-Olympic boxing is borderline unwatchable. How do they score it? I tried to watch a good amount of it (it was on MSNBC constantly) but I have yet to figure out which connected punches count as a point and which do not.

-Female beach volleyball players are overrated in the looks department. They all have fairly nice bodies (what do you expect from world class athletes?) but the overall package is average at best in most cases.

-My colleagues have been all over the gymnastics judges for ripping off the American girls. Although it looked to me that our girls put forth better routines than the Chinese in many of those cases (through stuck landings and such) I, nor the rest of the SC writers as far as I know, are anywhere near experts in gymnastics. I don’t know the first thing about gymnastics scoring other than falling is bad. While watching (yes, despite my previous statements to the contrary I did watch this year’s girl’s gymnastics thanks to Shawn Johnson, Alicia Sacramone, and Nastia Liukin) we don’t have the eye to catch all of the little things that go on during the routine that the judges catch. I’m not saying the judges are completely without fault, I’m simply saying it’s possible that a lot of those little things that only they notice can make up for the one or two big things everyone notices.

-That said, at least half of those Chinese chicks are definitely younger than the sixteen year old age minimum. Three of them look like they are twelve.

-Does it make me a scumbag that I’ve got a slight crush on sixteen-year-old Shawn Johnson? Maybe it’s because I have the maturity of a teenager. It certainly doesn’t hurt that she’s a winner of four medals, including a gold in these Olympics. The closest I’ve come to an Olympic medal is a team gold in the Beer Olympics (which I accomplished twice –booyakasha!) Unfortunately there’s no Olympic event for being the coolest guy on the planet. If there were, you’d be reading the words of an Olympic gold medalist right now.

-The Redeem Team won. I don’t think anyone is really surprised. It feels good to have the men’s basketball gold back in its rightful place. All is right with the world. Now we’ll see global warming begin to reverse, the Iraq situation will settle itself, and people will quit caring about Paris f’ing Hilton.

I had some other interesting/humorous thoughts but I’ve forgotten them for the moment. I’m a little distracted as I am writing this by the pool at my new apartment complex in Rochester and there’s a smoking hot young woman right in my sightline…

Supposedly we won the Gold in Men’s Basketball early Sunday morning/late Saturday night. Yes, pathetically, I stayed up to watch it, and no, I don’t have a life… at least as far as this past weekend went, thanks to a tetanus booster gone bad. But anyway, I was a little confused about something when I was watching the Medal Ceremony– did we actually win Gold??? ‘Cause if I’m not mistaken, I don’t think a “win” actually counts as one unless our collection of NBA All-Stars drops the other team by at least 20. That said, I’m not even sure a double-digit win was in the realm of possibility with the way that game was being officiated, so an 11-point “W” was probably as good as it was going to get. There must’ve some pretty heavy action on the Spanish team in Vegas because FIBA trotted out a team of Donaughy’s to ref that game. Our two best players — Kobe and LeBron — had two fouls apiece just five minutes into the contest and the bullsh*t calls kept coming right up till the final buzzer. I mean I haven’t seen anything that lopsided since Stewie Griffin’s head showed up on my TV screen at college. Though I will say this: it was pretty cool to watch Kobe and Co. celebrate like they won the NBA Championship. Good to see these guys care about representing their Country again.

Call me crazy, but I still don’t think this got the ref to change his call.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: ‘This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.’

2. Dressage commentator: ‘This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.’

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.’

4. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’

5. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.’

6. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’

8. Soccer commentator: ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’

9. Tennis commentator: ‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?’

Thanks to Sarah T. for quotes.

That’s a gold-medal-worthy heinie if I’ve ever seen one.

Update: this article is a Consiglieri original. It was incorrectly posted under the pseudonym Monnie D., Esq. Boy, what an a-hole that Editor-in-chief is, trying to take credit for everything…

The Evil Empire is not proclaiming that the Yankees are New York’s sons, but rather, letting them know they are like the red-headed step child. When Carl Pavano is a contemplated starter, you have to wonder if the Yanks have anything left in the tank. They have the highest payroll, the most well-rounded athletes, sure-fire Hall of Famers… and a record that sucks like coke through a straw in Chevy Chase’s nose. Monnie D. may have been prescient when he “paid his respects” to the Yanks a few days ago.

On an unrelated note: since the Yanks have sucked so much, I’ve watched a lot of the Olympics the past few days and the USA gymnastics team is kinda hot– in a non-pedophile-ish sort of way. And I also think Bella Karolyi is 100% right when he states that some of the judges are incompetent, and I still hold firm that all the Chinese competitors are ninjas… trained from birth… and injected with Jet Li’s DNA.

I’m trying to keep my blood pressure down over the rampant cheating going on in women’s gymnastics, but there’s no way I’m gonna let a foreigner like Bella Karolyi outdo me in the National Pride department. Seriously though, first it started with the judges sneaking one of the Chinese girls into the top-three in the women’s all-around, and once they got away with that, all hell broke loose– they went ahead and knocked Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin out of the top-two spots in the floor exercise; booted Alicia Sacramone to fourth in the vault after she landed BOTH of her jumps (the Korean chick got the the bronze even though she landed OUT OF BOUNDS on her first attempt); and then they screwed Liukin out of another gold (she got the silver)… despite the fact that she stuck her landing while the gold medal-winner from — surprise, surprise — China nearly fell and crossed her legs on the dismount. I swear I’m not exaggerating. I mean you couldn’t make this stuff up even if you tried.

And it’s fairly obvious what’s going on here: everyone knows the big, bad, evil, imperialistic, one-of-our-presidential-candidates-would-rather-campaign-in-Europe-because-that’s-how-awful-and-despotic-our-country-is U.S. of A. is going to win the overall medal count, so the only way to “humiliate” us is to make sure we don’t take home the most golds. So, our athletes are being deprived of the gold medals they deserve and, wherever possible, the judges kill two birds with one stone by handing another gold to the Chinese, who seem to be racking up all their karats in the gymnastics and table tennis competitions. Go figure.

I never stay up past midnight to watch a sporting event unless it involves the Yanks, Knicks, or Patriots… that is until last night, when Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson won Gold and Silver (in that order) and made women’s gymnastics seem like Game 7 of the World Series. Alright fine, maybe just Game 5 of the ALDS. Mock it all you want, but their near-perfect routines were the stuff of legend, especially when you consider the fact that half-way through the competition, the judges started doing what Olympic judges do best: make sure the host country’s athletes get higher scores no matter how flawed their routines are. Only in this case they couldn’t do it because the Chinese chick’s performance was so terrible — she nearly fell off the balance beam… before her routine even started!!! — and Nastia and Shawn’s were so gangster, that giving her the gold would’ve caused an international incident. So instead they stuck her with the bronze– which she still didn’t deserve. Eh, so long as our girls finished first and second, I’ll let the rest of the world worry about the injustice. Isn’t that what everyone from France to China wants us to do anyway?

By the way: the Yanks start their comeback tonight!!!

Far be it from me to gripe about NBC’s Olympic coverage going out of its way to portray the U.S. of A. as the unstoppable beast that it is. But as I was watching Kerri Walsh and Misty “I have the coolest name of anyone who isn’t actually a porn star” May (our women’s beach volleyball team for those of you who suck at life) destroy Team Norway, I was more than a little disappointed that there weren’t more camera views from behind the Norwegian service line if you know what I mean. Seriously though, these girls were smokin’ hot (photographic evidence provided above) and after it became obvious the match was going to be a blowout, NBC should’ve done a better job of giving those Scandinavian hotties their due. I mean isn’t it somewhat of a minor miracle that there’s even a beach volleyball team from Norway in the first place??? I’m pretty sure it’s at least on the same level as having a bobsled team from Jamaica and, if memory serves me correctly, that story was so big John Candy (R.I.P.) starred in a movie about it. I doubt they’re going to make a flick about a fat guy (who’ll die in real life in about five years. Perhaps Jonah Hill?) who recruits women from the local ski lodge to fulfill their dreams of becoming beach volleyball stars, so the very least NBC could’ve done was given team Norway some more face time. Or they could’ve gotten more shots of their heinies. Either way, they failed miserably at displaying Norway’s immense, um, talents for the world to see.

A) Michael Phelps is the closest thing that we have to a superhuman being. Vinny Chase may have been the better looking AquaMan, but Phelps, I honestly believe, could speak to dolphins in real life because he is not totally human.

B) Shawn Johnson is, in reality, what Hayden Panettiere wishes she was on Heroes.

C) All Chinese Olympians are ninjas.

D) The Yankees still want to dig themselves into a ridonculous hole and make a playoff push that much more exciting. Well I, for one, do not need the excitement… just start f*&kin’ winning!

Did anyone else see that incredible come-from-behind victory we (and I’m well within my rights to say “we” here because I’m talking about the U.S. of A. Olympic team, the one that not only represents every American, but the one that we fund with our taxpayer dollars) pulled off against those French bastards last night? Apparently they were going to “smash us,” that according to the French team anchor, world record holder, and stereotypical arrogant pr*ck Alain Bernard. Right, and France didn’t need the stupid Americans cause they had the Germans right where they wanted them on D-Day. Don’t look now, but these Olympics are making a solid run at getting us to be ridiculously interested in them…

Ok so I was wrong. Savor the flavor kid because it doesn’t happen often. About a week after I loudly proclaimed that Brett Favre would never be traded to the Jets…Brett Favre was traded to the New York Jets for a contingent fourth round draft pick. Oops. Here’s how the contingent part of the deal works: If Favre takes more than fifty percent of the Jets’ snaps this year the Packers get a third round pick. If Favre takes seventy percent of the Jets snaps and Gang Green makes the playoffs the Packers will receive a second round pick. And in the incredibly unlikely event that the Jets go to the Super Bowl (and Favre takes eighty percent of the Jets’ snaps) New York will be sending a first round draft pick to Green Bay. Enjoy the third round draft pick, Jets fans.

I didn’t think this deal would happen because I didn’t think it would be a good move for either party. I still don’t see how this move makes any sense for the Jets or for Favre. Brett wants to win while he still has something left – which is the next two, maybe three years tops. Sorry Brett, but you’re not going to be doing much winning with the Jets. Not this year. Before Favre I had the Jets winning five or six games this year. Now with Favre I’ll bump it to six to eight wins. Eight wins is not getting you into the playoffs in the AFC.

Why does this deal not make sense for the Jets? For the same reason it doesn’t make sense for Favre. Yeah you only gave up a contingent fourth round pick, but you’re still paying him 12 Million dollars. Favre is a thirty-eight year-old, 12 million dollar rent-a-player for a year or two who takes your team from sub-.500 to possibly fighting for a wild card spot (if he doesn’t regress too much from last year, which is a serious possibility). Is that really what you want? If I were a Jets fan I’d much rather see my team developing a young quarterback while building a Super Bowl caliber team around him. Of course if I were a Jets fan I’d have a sub-100 IQ and a limited grasp on the English language and therefore wouldn’t be writing this right now. So congratulations on obtaining Brett Favre. Maybe you get lucky and fight your way into a wild card spot only to lose in the first round of the playoffs. You still set your franchise back a year or two by failing to develop Kellen Clemens (or another young QB) in the starting quarterback role.

While we are on the subject of me being wrong: Maybe the Olympics won’t be so boring to watch after all!!!

Forget basketball, synchronized swimming is my new favorite Olympic sport.

The Olympics begin Friday and I couldn’t be more excited if I had a third date with Megan Fox coming up on Friday. OK, that’s an outright lie. I could have had tickets to Super Bowl XLII as well as an invite to every major Super Bowl party in Arizona and would have been exponentially more thrilled about a lunch date with Megan Fox. I mean, dude, it’s Megan Fox. Also the Olympics kind of suck. In fact, I was significantly more excited leading up to our Beer Olympics in Lake Placid last month. (Last year we did teams and my team took home the gold, this year we did individual events and I earned the overall silver. It’s no big deal.)

Honestly I don’t think I’m alone in my ho-hum attitude about the Olympics. I mean, I like the idea of the Olympics. Athletes competing for their respective countries - nations battling against each other for world superiority – it’s great in theory. But in reality the events are supremely boring. I mean how can you get excited about fencing? Who carves out time in their schedule to make sure they catch the rowing finals? Is anyone really turning off “I Love Money” so they can make sure they don’t miss the equestrian event?

Of course I love baseball, so that’s cool. And I will concede that there are some other fairly entertaining events: handball is pretty entertaining, boxing is alright even though nobody punches for power, wrestling is pretty exciting as an international event, beach volleyball – especially the women – can be fun to watch (even though the American women are overrated in the looks department) and even table tennis is somewhat amusing at times. But, with the exception of beach volleyball, THESE EVENTS ARE RARELY TELEVISED. Instead we get super-sized volumes of swimming, track and field, and gymnastics coverage. I’m sorry, but swimming is not exciting to watch. And despite the extensive attempts by the U.S. Olympic committee and whatever body governs U.S. swimming, I don’t care about Michael Phelps. If he were going for multiple gold medals in judo, taekwondo, wrestling, and boxing I’d be quite intrigued; but he’s a swimmer so I really don’t care if he is superior to the rest of the world at each different stroke. Some of the track and field events are mildly stimulating, but I don’t need to see heats one through ten of every event. Gymnastics is intolerable. And for some reason we get exhaustive coverage of it every four years. It’s always on in prime time and it never fails to bore the shit out of me. Full Disclosure: That’s not entirely true. I can’t remember the last time I actually watched gymnastics. I think it may have been when Karrie Strug landed the vault on one good ankle to win the team gold. That was possibly the greatest moment in U.S. gymnastics history and it was so compelling to me that I have since watched a grand total of a minute and a half of Olympic gymnastics. I would rather watch three straight hours of “Greatest American Dog” or “Wife Swap” or “Supernanny” or The Baby Borrowers” or “So You Think You Can Dance” or “America’s Next Top Model” or…wow there’s a lot of trash on TV.

One sport you may find conspicuously absent in my analysis of the Olympics as entertainment is basketball. To me basketball is the exception to the boring that is the Olympic Games. The rest of the world has made great strides in closing the gap with the United States in the best sport in the Olympics and that is going to make basketball even more exciting to watch this year. The U.S. seems to be serious about making up for their enormous disappointments in recent years. They’ve built a team fit for international competition with shooters and defenders and have chosen a coach in Mike Krzyzewski who will force the elite players who have joined team USA to play as a team. Because of the recent failures of the U.S. in international basketball, I am very interested to see if this team (probably the best U.S. team since Dream Team 2) can run through the Olympics undefeated and bring the gold home to its rightful place.

I am a little excited about the basketball competition in this year’s Olympics. As far as the rest of the Olympics are concerned, however, I’m equally as excited about the New Kids on the Block reuniting.