MFH likes gambling more than a lot: Week 13 Edition!!!

On Sunday I had some work to do so I watched the two games getting regional play in my apartment for the first quarter before I headed over to the bar where we usually watch all of the games. Most of you probably know that one of my bets was Jacksonville over Minnesota. Keeping an eye on the bottom line I saw that 30 seconds int o the game Minnesota was already up 7-0. “Uhh, that’s not good,” I said to myself, figuring the Vikings ran the opening kickoff back or something. “That’s OK though, it’s still early.” After exchanging texts with a couple of my friends informing them that I’d be about a half hour later than usual in meeting them at our Sunday hangout I glanced up and saw a new score crawl across the bottom of the screen: 14-0 Vikings less than 2 minutes into the game. The next words that ran through my mind were: “expletive, expletive, expletive, who was that chick who just walked past my window? Expletive, expletive.” It’s incredibly deflating when the team you bet on falls behind 14-0 so early in the game. It’s like betting a horse that runs out of steam after the first turn, or like walking up to a chick and having her blow you off before you can get a word out. In other words: it’s no fun. At that point I was sure that it was going to be a terrible day. I was positive that I would lose all three of my bets, the Giants would lose, my fantasy team would get smoked, Eli would tear an ACL, the economy would be dealt another big blow, someone would hit my car in the parking lot, HBO would announce th at Entourage won’t be back for another season, Julianne Hough would announce that she’s engaged to that twerp who plays “E” in Entourage, Celine Dion would release a new album, ABC would decide not to continue with Lost and I’d never find out what the hell is going on with that island, NBC would announce that Ellen Degeneres would replace Jay Leno on the Tonight show instead of Conan O’Brien, and the FBI would determine that the guys living in the apartment adjacent to mine are indeed terrorists and raid the apartment only to have the guys blow themselves up so as to not be caught, thus sending pieces of my wall flying into my 50-inch Plasma, destroying it along with my surround sound system and the most comfortable leather recliner ever produced. Luckily none of that materialized and despite the obvious loss I took on the Jaguars, I went 2-1 on my bets and was able to watch the Sunday night game in brilliant high definition on my beloved Plasma. This week I’m hoping to ride the momentum of last Sunday’s avoided debacle into a profitable week. I plan to use SIX games to do it. That’s right I’m going big this week. Home team in CAPS.

Colts – 4 over BROWNS: The Browns are bad – I still have no idea how they beat the best team in the NFL (see also: New York Gi ants) and now the inept Derek Anderson has to go back under center because of a broken finger on Brady Quinn’s throwing hand. If he wasn’t good enough to keep his job on a team going nowhere, Derek Anderson is not good enough to beat the surging Colts. The Colts feel the urgency to win every game in order to make the playoffs and I foresee a blowout here. I’m happy I’m not going up against Peyton Manning in fantasy this week.

CHARGERS -5 over Falcons: I still don’t have a ton of confidence in Phillip Rivers and I’m going to hate myself if he blows the game (or the cover) but he has come a long way since I dubbed him the west coast Rex Grossman last year. The Chargers must win in order to go to the playoffs. I think that forces San Diego to focus and put in a good effort. A good effort from the Chargers should be enough to win by a touchdown. The powder blues are worth at least 4 points alone.

Jaguars +2 ½ over TEXANS: The Jags have hurt me a few times this year, but like a battered woman who just can’t leave her husband I’m back for more. They just keep telling me they love me and I’ll tell ya what, I believe ‘em. Yeah they hurt me in the past, but they’ve changed for real this time. They can beat the Texans by at least a field goal.

BILLS -6 over 49ers: San Fran has to fly cross-country for a 1PM game. That spells trouble. It’s also cold and windy in Buffalo this time of year – I know from experience dude – and that could be difficult for the visiting 49ers to deal with.

Ravens -6 over BENGALS: The Ravens are good. The Bengals stink. Chad Johnson is still on the Bengals roster and he’s a giant douche bag. That’s good for -3 points. Cincinnati quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick is from Harvard. How do I not bet against a Harvard quarterback? If I were to bet on which team could solve a quadratic equation first I’d bet on the Bengals (unless one of the Ravens went to SUNY Buffalo, that’s where the real geniuses go), but my money goes against the Harvard guy in an athletic endeavor.

Giants -3 over REDSKINS: I’m breaking a major rule of mine but come on, who doesn’t think the Giants are covering here? This game is going to be the ultimate test of rooting interest: fantasy team vs. favorite team. I need to win this week in order to make the playoffs and my team is anchored by league rushing leader Clinton Portis. The Giants don’t necessarily need a win here but it is a division game. So where is my allegiance this week? F&%$ Clinton Portis.