I’m going to start this week’s article with something that has nothing to do with football: I HATE the new Burger King commercials for the Steakhouse Mushroom and Swiss Burger. Every time one comes on I scramble for the remote faster than the cast of I Love Money scrambles for penicillin when they realize who they’ve awoken next to. I desperately want to see the two “men” from the commercial die in a fiery car crash. I’d rather watch that stupid Mr. Bill commercial on a loop for an hour than watch one Shroom and Swiss commercial. It is truly Satan’s work.

Who saw the referee take out the South Carolina quarterback last Saturday night? I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. The SEC investigated and found that the ref did nothing wrong, he was just bracing for contact. I’m telling you, I saw the play and he dropped the quarterback on purpose. Watch the clip and see for yourself. He lined the guy up like Antonio Pierce, got into position, and lowered a shoulder into him. I played four years of high school football and never got a hit that good in. I don’t know what his motive could possibly have been but this was clearly intentional.
And finally before we get to my amazing picks for this weekend, who is this super smoking hot cheerleader in this picture (I originally saw her on PTI in a larger, more detailed version and I’ve kept it on my DVR) from the Mike Alstott tribute during half time of Sunday’s game? She is probably the hottest cheerleader I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and that includes the cheerleaders from the SEC and PAC 10. I love the Giants, but I am seriously considering moving to Tampa and becoming a Bucs fan. If anyone has any information at all on the new love of my life, please email it to mfh@subwaychatter.com. Seriously, please.

Anyway, on to the NFL where I went 3-0 against the spread last week and 0-1 on the over/under. For those of you keeping track that’s two 3-1 weeks in a row. One more and that’s called a winning streak. It has happened before. I apologize to those of you who were waiting intently for my money-making picks and didn’t see them until after the games had already begun on Sunday. Direct your complaints to Monnie D because he had it in his possession to get up on the site on Thursday night. While you’re at it, ask him where the hell he’s been for the past month. Maybe ask him if he’s heard from Chuck Wipple or Consiglieri and tell him that my back is getting tired from carrying this site. The good news is: I’m getting my mojo back. The bad news is: those of you who were looking forward to this year’s installment of “what would happen if this mascot fought that one,” will have to wait for at least one more week. But in order to avoid a revolt by my tens of fans, and to give those of you who missed the two installments last year an idea of what I’m talking about, I will give a little taste from an email conversation with six of my friends earlier this week:

Rusty: If there are 4 women among the top 8, there has to be something afoot. I’m guessing they’re going with the mascot method.. I will revert to this method this week to see how it works out. What happens when a Bill fights a Dolphin?

MFH: First of all you have to figure out what a Bill is.

Bob Villa: Buffalo Bill “was an American soldier, bison hunter and showman. He earned the nickname by killing 4,280 buffalo in eighteen months.” That many Buffalo , maybe there was a dolphin mixed in there somewhere? You never know. All that shooting, I think there’s a pretty good chance he couple probably hit a Dolphin. But I don’t think a Dolphin can even hold a gun?

Radio: Probably need to strap a laser beam to that dolphin’s head to make it fair….

MFH: Yeah but where is the game? If the Dolphins are at home this fight is happening in the middle of the ocean. How’s Buffalo Bill’s gun going to function under water? Even if it worked dolphins are too fast for him in the ocean and he’d drown rather quickly. If the game is in Buffalo though, it’s no contest, gotta go with the Bills.

Mr. Peanut: In Miami…meaning the fight will be had in the middle of the ocean. Now for the bills mascot…are with going with whatever a “bill” may be? Or with the bison that sits on the sides of their helmets? If we’re going with their actual bison logo, i’d say the bills win. Look closely. What exactly is that red streak along the bison extending from the horn? I’d say is almost signifying that the buffalo itself is flying through the air (much like how Trent Edwards is leading the offense this year). What does this mean? It means, my friends, that the bison will not be stymied by fighting in the middle of the ocean. It can simply hover above the water surface, wait for the dolphin to attack, then strike down using the force of gravity at an acceleration rate of 32.2 feet per second squared to jab it’s deadly horns into the blubber of the great fish… mammal… whatever. If we’re going with the Buffalo Bill the cowboy mascot fighting in the middle of the ocean, then the dolphins win.

MFH: Flying Bison? Now you’re just being ridiculous.

Mr. Peanut: 4 woman leading a pick’em league? Now THAT is ridiculous.

To be fair, 4 women are not leading the league, it’s 4 in the top ten, but it is still ridiculous since none of us are in the top ten.

Home team in CAPS:

PANTHERS – 4 ½ over Cardinals: Here we go with another team flying across the country. The effect is even more pronounced when it’s a team from the West Coast (or close) coming east for a 1PM game because they are essentially playing at 10AM. Here’s how I know Vegas still hasn’t caught on to the cross-country flight strategy (other than the fact that it still wins a large majority of the time): The Panthers are at home which is generally worth 3-4 points in the NFL. The Panthers are a better football team than the Cardinals by at least 2 points. That already is more than the 4 ½ points the Panthers are giving up here. The only thing I’m worried about is that the Panthers are, along with the Saints and Jags, one of the toughest teams to handicap in the NFL. Any week they can look like a Super Bowl contender and the next week look like a candidate for the Lions only win this year.

RAVENS – 6 ½ over Raiders: This week I’m really going to press this cross-country strategy I’ve developed. I need to take advantage before the boys in Vegas catch on. Again it’s about simple math: 3 ½ points for the Ravens home field advantage, and the Ravens are inarguably almost a touchdown better than the Raiders. We’re looking at about 9 points before Oakland even boards a cross-country flight to Baltimore for a 1PM (10AM Oakland time) game and for some reason our buddies in Vegas have decided to take only 6 ½ points from the Ravens. Also, I don’t like either quarterback that much (this year…they both could be very good in a couple years) and I like Willis McGahee and Ray Rice against the Raiders’ defense much better than Darren McFadden and Justin Fargas against Ray Lewis and friends. I’m a little worried that 83% of the money bet on this game has gone down on the Ravens, but I’m hoping that this is one of the rare times the vast majority of the public is actually right.

Buccaneers + 2 over COWBOYS: The Bucs are 5-2 against the spread because they are continuously underappreciated by the betting public. The Cowboys are 2-5 against the spread because they are continuously overrated. As long as Jeff Garcia is playing quarterback I like the Bucs and as long as Brad Johnson is playing quarterback I don’t like the Cowboys very much as a gambler (even though as a Giants fan I hate them no matter who plays quarterback, yet I somehow hate them even more when Tony Simpson is taking the snaps).

That’s all I’ve settled on for week 8. I was really close to betting the Lions + 7 ½ at home against Washington because 77% of the money has gone on the Skins and the Lions are big home dogs, but I just don’t trust the Lions to beat the spread in two straight for me. I also considered the Titans -3 ½ at home against the Colts because Joseph Addai and Bob Sanders are both doubtful for the game, but I’m waiting for the Titans to stumble and I think we’re all waiting for the Colts offense to pick things up. I do feel good about the three picks above, so bet accordingly. And when you make a killing on them you can thank me by setting me up with my new favorite cheerleader.

When the Rays (yes the Tampa Bay Gays) are in the World Series, Yankees fans can do nothing but sit idly by, play GM, and think of what to do to make sure that October baseball is not without the Yankees for the foreseeable future. So with that, some ideas as to what the team should look like next year:

Catcher: Keep all 3– Posada, Molina and Pudge. They are incredible defensively, and they can all DH, maybe Pudge could less than the other two, but he still has a cannon and his percentage of throwing people out is ridic. Ditto for Molina this past year. Also, they could, theoretically play first if need be, but that shouldn’t be an option as I will explain in a minute…

Pitching: Mussina gets a spot, if he wants one. First 20-win season this year: slicing, dicing and Julian-frying the black when the heat on the fastball has cooled off a bit. Pettitte needs to find that desire and the stopper mentatlity that he had so many years in the Pinstripes before this past year, though I’d give him a contract for another year. Joba needs to come back to the rotation… and put down the bottle, for that matter. Forget him being in the bullpen though…if he gives you 6 or 7 strong innings and the Yanks bats do their job, a shutdown bullpen is not as necessary as ensuring that we have the lead late. Aceves showed some good stuff late in the season and he deserves a very real considerration for the long-relief role. Cocke was brilliant and needs to stay exactly where he is as the shut-down lefty. Pavano should offer to come back and play for free since the noodle armed bastard basically sat out 4 seasons. Actually, he can just go disappear somewhere. Hughes and Kennedy need to hang out with Hugh Hefner and see how far showing some cojones can get you. Other than that, I can’t wait to buy a CC Sabathia Yankee shirt sometime in December.

1st Base: I want Mark Teixeira, and I won’t take “no” for an answer. Giambi has been somewhat of a bust, wouldn’t you say? He was Lattimer one season and then was reduced to being this Super Mario wannabe by the end of his stay in the Bronx.

2nd Base: I love Cano, he’s my primo, pero cuando cagas la cama, necesitas sentarse hasta que aprendas el juego.

Shortstop: There’s some guy called “The Captain” who plays there. I’m pretty ok with that.

3rd Base: A-Rod costs too damn much to even think about letting him go. However, if he doesn’t learn how to be as clutch as a nun’s legs, he’s gonna need to be taken out behind the woodshed and smacked around.

Outfield: Brett Gardner should take over for Melky. Melky should be the 4th OFer he was always meant to be. The X-man needs to stay because his defense is good and he was one of the hottest hitters we had towards the end of the season. Matsui and Damon are two tough calls for me. Matsui’s loyalty to the Yanks is unquestionable and his desire to play is as well. But he’s no kid and his knees are showing as much. Damon has hit his fair share of game-winning or lead-changing homers, but his arm is as limp as the guy in the tub on the Cialis commercials pre-pill popping. I’m not sure who would want either player, but we have to at least explore some trade options, no? If Abreu doesn’t accept arbitration, let him walk. $15 million for 20 homers and alligator arms just doesn’t work for me. Austin Jackson anyone?

These are just suggestions and one fan’s insight… one fan who is sitting in his office wishing he could be hitting the links or planning to have some of the guys over to watch the Yanks Wednesday night… but unfortunately, I’m stuck in the office and no one wants to come over and watch Yankee Classics…

Woohoo, 3-1 last week. Finally a positive week for your favorite NFL prognosticator. Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of ti me before I broke out of my awful funk. Everyone who has been exposed to my genius knew this week was coming sooner rather than later. My one loss was based on false information – Brian Griese still starting for the Buccaneers. How could I not bet against Brian Griese? I couldn’t figure out why coach Chuckie was starting him in the first place. Imagine my disappointment when I saw Jeff Garcia trot onto the field for the Bucs’ first drive. On a better note, I was happy to see my cross-country travel hypothesis hold true as New England got blown out in San Diego, handing me a profitable week. The good news is I (and anyone who was clairvoyant enough to follow me after 5 bad weeks) made a nice profit last weekend. The bad news is I won’t be recreating one of the more popular articles from last year’s football season (other than this one celebrating the Giants winning the Super Bowl) and instead you’ll have to deal with another week of money-making picks from the resurrected genius they call MFH. (Home team in CAPS)

P.S. I don’t know what’s happened to Consiglieri, Chuck Wipple, or Monnie D. Maybe they’re dead. Maybe they decided that a world where Paris Hilton’s New BFF is actually shown on television is not a world worth living in. Or maybe they slipped into a boredom induced coma while watching the new Knight Rider. Either way, if I’m going to continue to be the only one contributing to the site I’m going to have to find the time to put a little more effort into my articles. I need to step it up and quit half-assing these writings. Maybe I’ll start next week.

Ravens +3 over DOLPHINS: Someone has to stop this wildcat offense the Dolphins are running and the Ravens are the right team to get it done. These gimmick offenses never last long in the NFL. The Ravens’ Ray Lewis is one of the smartest linebackers in the league, so he’ll keep guys in the right place to slow down the wildcat. Once that’s done I’m not worried about Chad Pennington beating the Ravens with his arm. Granted the Ravens may only score 10-13 points, but that should be all they need to cover. I like the under 36 ½ here too. I see 30 points max being scored here.

BEARS -3 ½ over Vikings: Minnesota was the popular pick in the pr eseason to win the NFC North and a sexy pick to go to the Super Bowl. On the other hand, most people had written off the Bears this season. The funny thing is many people’s reasoning was their QB situation. So while people were very wary of Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton (and with good reason), they seemed supremely confident in the quarterbacking abilities of one Tavaris Jackson. Anyone who has been a fairly regular visitor to this site knows how I feel about Rex Grossman. I have more confidence in Bill Gates enticing a laugh out of me in one of his new commercials than I do in Rex Grossman not blowing a game by himself. However Chicago had Kyle Orton to turn to once Rexy finally convinced the Bears’ coaching staff of the same fact I was convinced of two years ago. Meanwhile Minny had Gus Ferotte to replace Tavaris “running back trying to play quarterback” Jackson. I’m not trying to imply that Kyle Orton is a great quarterback but at least he didn’t concuss himself by purposely slamming his head into a concrete wall in celebration of a touchdown (I’m looking at you Gus Ferotte). That was all a long way of saying I have more confidence in the Bears’ quarterback than the Vikings’, and the Bears are at home. Now I have had terrible luck betting the Bears…and terrible luck betting the Vikings. Maybe the two will cancel each other out.

Lions +10 over TEXANS: The Lions aren’t all that good, but the Texans don’t blow anyone out. I admit this is a risky pick because the only thing Dan Orlovsky has proven as an NFL quarterback is that he doesn’t know what the back of the end zone looks like. Still, ten points is a lot so I’ll throw a few bucks down. Let’s gamble!

Some kid got suspended from a middle school in the Tampa area for showing up to school sporting a “rayhawk.” What is a rayhawk, you ask? Well it’s the stupid, redneck-esque hairdo that some of the Rays players and many of their white-trash fans have adopted during the Rays improbable, admittedly impressive run to the ALCS. I probably could do some quick research and find out the kid’s name and the name of the school that suspended him, but I’m not a reporter and I just don’t care too much about the details. The point is, this kid was suspended for a haircut that supported his favorite baseball team because (according to PTI) it was “offensive.” Exactly who is this offending (other than the queers on E! that judge people’s fashion)? What’s offensive is the lack of support the Rays received all season as they shocked the baseball world by winning the AL East. Now someone is showing some real support for the team and he gets suspended from school for it. Nobody was suspended from my middle school for wearing Zubas pants or parting their hair in the middle. Maybe the administr ators in Florida should worry a little more about improving that state’s poor education record and a little less about what kinds of haircuts the students are getting.

Now on to the actual subject of this weekly article: Last week was yet another tough week for your favorite sports writer. I hit on one of three of the bets I made last week (I listed the Texans as + 3 ½, but it was a typo, the line was actually 4 ½). After all the talk about a cross country flight affecting the Patriots, they covered against the 49ers. All my talk about teams traveling cross-country was not bullshit however. Seattle travelled all the way to North Jersey and took the worst beating the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants have laid on anyone in decades. San Diego flew into Miami and lost to the Dolphins who were 1-15 last year. And previously undefeated Buffalo got spanked by Kurt Warner and the Cardinals in Arizona. It turns out my thesis on cross-country travel wasn’t so wrong, I just happened to pick out the one game that was the exception to the rule – which is just the kind of bad luck I’ve faced in the first five weeks of this season. After hitting 60 percent winners in the regular season and goi ng 10-1 against the spread in the playoffs last year I haven’t had a single positive week so far in the new season, but that’s bound to change (I hope) and this may just be the week it happens. Unfortunately I don’t see a single game this week that intrigues me, but I guess with my record so far betting games that do that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If things don’t go well this week I may resort to picking games by my “alternative method.” Those of you who are holdovers from the old subway chatter know what I’m talking about. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. (Home team in CAPS)

SAINTS -7 over Raiders: The Raiders are bad and the Saints aren’t. New Orleans is at home on the fast turf and I still think the Saints are the second best team in the NFC South. Although their defense is suspect, their offense may be the best in the league. JaMarcus Russell is still very raw and I don’t trust him. Also, in case you’ve been stranded on an island, the Raiders fired Lane Kiffin and replaced him with the offensive line coach. That has to have the players distracted somewhat. Also, Al Davis is20a kook and it’s not difficult to bet against any organization he has control over.

Packers + 2 ½ over SEAHAWKS: I’ve been burned by the Packers a few times this season, but like the battered wife in a Lifetime movie I just keep coming back for more. What can I say, Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rogers keep telling me they love me and I believe them. I think they’ve changed for real this time. I really do.

CHARGERS -4 ½ over Patriots: If one cross-country flight didn’t mess up the Patriots, 3 in two weeks must. They were the only team to overcome the cross-country flight last week, they can’t possibly overcome it again this week can they? I must admit, I’m a little skittish about betting actual dollars on Phillip Rivers. At least he’s not Rex Grossman.

Panthers +1 ½ over BUCCANEERS: A Panther is a vicious, nasty wild cat that would tear up a silly Buccaneer…wait, that’s next week’s angle. The Panthers are a good football team – the best in the NFC South. On top of that Brian freakin Griese has beaten me two straight weeks.& nbsp; I can’t see Brian Griese beating me three straight weeks. It just can’t happen. I mean he’s Brian Griese. Bri-an Grie-se.

Alright this is getting ridiculous. I had another 1-3 week and I’ve considered passing on the job of Subway Chatter’s resident gambling advisor to one of my friends, however each of my friends that partakes in gambling on the NFL has had as bad a start to the season as I have. So for now you are stuck with me. You can always bet the opposite of what I suggest, after all that would have given you an 11-5 record to start the season. Wow that’s depressing to look at. I am losing confidence in myself faster than I lose respect for anyone who doesn’t like Seinfeld. Right now I expect you to have about as much faith in me as I have in a female comic actually making me laugh. But alas, there is a glimmer of hope. In addition to writing this stupid column I also do private consulting (ladies are always free) and I’ve done much better in the private field, hitting 4 of my last 4. Also keep in mind that I hit 60% winners last year so assuming I even come close this year I’m due for a big run soon. Still, with all of that mind, given my recent performance I wouldn’t blame you for turning to Corky from Life Goes On for your picks this week. Just know I will beat that retard’s ass this week. Here’s how:

TEXANS + 3 ½ over Colts: Depending on which site you look on, somewhere between 80 and 90 percent of the money on this game has fallen down on the Colts side. That is huge. And class, what do we do when we see that many people betting on a team? All together now… we bet the other team. Also but the Texans are home underdogs here. We love home dogs. Not only that but the Texans owned the Colts last year and the Colts offense is struggling mightily while their defense is missing Bob Sanders. Don’t forget my boy Andre Davis is still playing for Houston, that’s worth at least 4 points right there.

49ERS +3 over Patriots: The Patriots have to travel cross country which is a variable I picked up from picking NCAA tournament games that certainly affects NFL games. Yeah these guys are pros, but betting the Pats because “pros are immune to jet lag” is akin to banging a prostitute without a bag because “pros are immune to STDs.” I don’t love the 49ers but they are better than a lot of people are willing to give them credit for. Frank Gore is a beast in the running game and their defense is young and fast. Tom Brady is still not taking snaps for the Patriots and their defense is still old. I love home dogs so I’ll take the points 3000 miles from Boston.

JAGUARS -4 over Steelers: The Steelers are down to their fourth running back and Big Ben is hurting. The Jags are at home and have health running backs . I foresee a Jacksonville win by at least a touchdown.
Before I go I’d like to welcome any new readers from my MBA program. I was profiled in our student magazine (that’s right I’m important) and hopefully a few of them decided to check out our dumb little site here. While I’m sure most of you will be turned off by the useless drivel spewed here at Subway Chatter, perhaps 1 or 2 of you will continue to monitor our dull ramblings, once in a while letting go of a slight chuckle. Before you go check out our featured blogs and maybe click on an ad or two.