but this is absolutely terrifying. I don’t think anyone would be going too far out on a limb here if they believe that this is the same kind of cultish behavior that was going on in Waco, Texas in the early ’90s, not to mention Berlin, Germany in the early ’40s.

Get used to it, kid– you’ve got a whole life’s worth of disappointment heading your way. In a year when the Yanks missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 years, at least us Yankee fans will always have the Mets and their tortured fan base sitting there waiting to make us feel better about life.

PS– Congrats on your first 20-win season, Muss. You’ve earned a new contract and a spot in next year’s rotation. I’ll have more on potential Yankee comings and goings in my season wrap-up early this week…

Ouch. Another 1-3 week and my online gambling account is getting low. Come on though seriously, who thought Gus Frerotte would lead the Vikings to a win over the Panthers and who could have foreseen the Miami Dolphins score more than 36 points on their own? Worse yet (well not really), your confidence in me must be falling faster than Amy Winehouse’s panties when she spots her crack dealer. Those of you that bail on me now are destined to miss out on my long, ultra-profitable run back to the top. What do you say we begin that run this week?

But first, a quick public service announcement: David Blaine is a douche. Every single “big” stunt he does is as impressive as the New York Mets in September. Who continues to tune into that trash? I will gladly say I’ve never watched one of his specials. Everyone that does is exceedingly disappointed EVERY time. So STOP WATCHING HIS SPECIALS! I only want to see David Blaine do one trick. I’d like to see him make his pulse disappear.

On to this week’s picks (home team in caps):
Broncos – 9 ½ over CHIEFS: Like a bully in the school yard, once I find a weak target I keep hammering on them until they learn to fight back. 9 ½ points isn’t enough for Kansas City to begin to fight back. This is a ton of points to give a home team against a division opponent, but it’s the Chiefs so I’m not too worried.

PANTHERS -4 over Falcons: The Falcons have impressed some people this year, but a powder puff football team could look impressive against Detroit and Kansas City. To say the Panthers are a little better than the Lions and Chiefs is like saying that La Fin Du Monde is slightly better than Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Carolina is also at home here within the division. They’ll win by at least a touchdown.

RAMS +9 over Bills: This may surprise some people but hear me out: The Bills have become one of the darlings of the NFL this year. With every game they play more and more people jump on their bandwagon, and at this point that band wagon is getting pretty full. There is a lot of talk about the Bills winning the AFC East. There is zero talk of the Rams winning the NFC West, even though it is probably the worst division in the NFL. Most people expected the Rams to be bad this year, but now they are in the conversation for the worst team in the league (they aren’t, that distinction belongs to the Chiefs). So often when we see a matchup like this in the NFL, a team the masses love more and more each week a big favorite over a team the masses hate more and more each week. Seemingly 90% of the time the big underdog surprises everyone and either wins outright or loses on a last second field goal. For that reason alone I’m betting the Rams here, though closer to a Sunday’s worth of beers than a semester’s tuition.

Packers -1 over BUCS: I think the Packers are the better team and they are basically a pick in Tampa Bay. There’s no way Brian Griese beats me two straight weeks. After all, I’m betting AGAINST him.

The Yankee win-binge the last couple of weeks is too little too late. The Sox clinched a playoff spot the other night and also clinched every Yankees fans dream of a possible Wild Card berth. So many things went wrong and so many players sh*t the bed (Cano, Cabrera, Giambi’s Stache’s hiatus, Jorge, Hideki) that this season seemed doomed from the start. Seems the Yanks were complacent to move across the street a season early.

The House that Ruth Built got a goose-bump-inducing farewell, however, and I can’t help but think that the ghosts of Yankee Stadium were hoping for a little October baseball this year. I know I was…

Am I excited for the New Stadium? Of course. But damn, saying goodbye to the Old One tonight is gonna be more than just a little sad…

Welcome everyone to the third installment of the 2008 edition of MFH’s investment advice. The first two weeks didn’t go as well as I would have hoped (at least I didn’t have you invest in Lehman), but we are slowly building momentum heading into the heart of the NFL season. The good news is that I feel better about this week’s prospects than last week (when I went .500). The bad news is that I heard a rumor that Brangelina may have broken up. That’s something that I don’t think we, as a nation, can handle right now. If Brangelina split, the terrorists may finally have won. On to the picks (home team in caps):

FALCONS -4 ½ over Chiefs: This is called learning from your mistakes. In the week 2 recap I asked how large the spread would have to be to bet on the Chiefs. Well the answer is much bigger than this. I don’t particularly love the Falcons this year but the Chiefs are terrible. And that’s with Brodie Croyle at quarterback. This week, however, Brodie Croyle will not be taking snaps for Kansas City. Can anyone guess who will be quarterbacking the Chiefs this Sunday? His name is Tyler Thigpen. No I am not making that up. I don’t know anything about Tyler Thigpen except that he wasn’t good enough to start ahead of Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard. That’s enough for me.

BEARS -3 over Bucs: Tampa looked good last week… but that was against Atlanta. Also, coach Chuckie has inexplicably pushed Jeff Garcia aside in favor of Brian Griese who, last year, wasn’t even good enough to pull off what Kyle Orton has done this year– supplant Rex Grossman as the Bears’ starting quarterback. If you can’t beat out Rex Grossman, you can’t beat the Bears this year. Speaking of Rex– I’ll use this chance to reiterate one of my most rock-solid rules for betting on the NFL: don’t bet on Rex Grossman. I developed the rule a couple years ago after numerous instances in which Rex Grossman single-handedly f&%$ed me by blowing the game (or at least the cover) in multiple acts of stupidity. I still have various images burned into my brain of the Bears being 20-points better than their opponent only to have Rex throw inexplicable interception after inexplicable interception to keep the game within three on a 5-point spread. I have more faith in Heidi Montag’s album winning a Grammy than I do in Rex Grossman not blowing a football game. Fortunately for us, Kyle Orton is starting for the Bears which provides some relief. Still, just the prospect of Kyle Orton tearing an ACL in the middle of the third quarter with a 14-point lead and then seeing Rex Grossman jog onto the field to lead the Bears frightens me more than walking through the woods alone after watching the Blair Witch Project.

Panthers +3 ½ over VIKINGS: Tavaris “maybe I should learn how to make good decisions and throw a somewhat accurate pass once in a while considering I’m a quarterback” Jackson is out as the Vikings’ starting quarterback. You’d think this would be good news for the Vikes since everyone but Brad Childress knew Jackson wasn’t going to cut it as the quarterback for a supposed Super Bowl contender. However, at least Tavaris Jackson isn’t best known for getting a concussion from PURPOSELY slamming his head into a concrete wall after scoring a touchdown (I’m looking at you, Gus Frerotte). Frerotte has completed less than 55% of his passes in his career, has a sub-.500 record as a starter, has a 74.3 QB rating, and is a straight up f%&$ing moron for concussing himself by slamming his head into a concrete wall in celebration of a touchdown. That’s just not going to get it done against the Panthers and Jake Delhomme, who has a 59.6 completion percentage, 84.9 QB rating, and no self-inflicted concussions due to utter stupidity.

PATRIOTS and Dolphins Under 36: Tom Brady isn’t back for New England. Nor is Dan Marino for Miami. The Dolphins scored 10 points against the Cardinals (who don’t exactly have a defense that reminds anyone of the ’85 Bears) and 14 against the Jets in week 1. The Patriots were only able to muster 17 against the Chiefs (who subsequently gave up 23 points to the “high-powered” Raiders offense) and 19 against the Jets last week. The moral of the story is that these two teams score about as often as the finalists in the World of Warcraft championships. It’s highly unlikely that, when put together, they both put up more than two touchdowns.

1 - The number of players who will forever hold the record for most hits in the Original Yankee Stadium.

2 - The number that will forever be associated with a generation’s modern-day legend.

7 - The number of championships that our beloved Captain would have if it weren’t for A-rod.

0 - The number of players who will capture the heart of NY like Derek Jeter.

Alright so it wasn’t the bounce back from week one that I was hoping for, but still an improvement. Full disclosure: when it came time to make my bets I couldn’t bring myself to click the “confirm” button after betting on the Chiefs. I mean they are so bad. So I didn’t make the Kansas City bet that I posted in my Friday article and hopefully none of you did either. You really should have said to yourselves, “There is no way that I, being the sane person I am, can bet actual U.S. dollars on the Kansas City Chiefs giving points to a non-high school football team.” If you didn’t, then I apologize and promise to repay you whatever money you lost betting on the Chiefs with any profits we make in September.

Other than the Chiefs, I made some good picks. The Saints + ½ was a loss, but New Orleans led for most of the game and only lost because Drew Brees uncharacteristically threw two interceptions and the Saints blew coverage on a 67-yard touchdown pass to Santana Moss in the 4th quarter. Admittedly I underestimated the extent to which the Saints defense absolutely stinks, but I still feel like they should have won that game.

The Packers jumped out to a big lead over the Lions only to fall behind by a point with six minutes to go, at which time I was a little confused and a little worried. Fortunately, it was the Lions that the Packers were playing and the characteristically poor Detroit defense combined with a couple of equally characteristic John Kitna interceptions led to a 23-point Green Bay win.

As far as the Broncos go, I guess I got a little lucky. Make no mistake, they were the better team on Sunday, but everyone knows the fumble call early in the game was a mistake and everyone and their mother knows that Jay Cutler’s terrible fumble should have ended the game for Denver. Still, when Ed Hochuli announced that by rule the ball had to remain with the Broncos the Denver fan I was with and I felt the kind of ecstatic relief usually reserved for a certain type of test that begins with a “P.” We were given new life and it felt wonderful. It was as if we already knew that the Broncos were going to score and send the game into overtime. Except Mike Shanahan, who is never short on surprises, called for a 2-point conversion attempt to win the game even though conventional wisdom says to send the game into overtime when you are playing at home. My Broncos-fan friend and I were just about done exclaiming, “What the hell is he doing!?” when Cutler connected with Eddie Royal to win the game and, more importantly, my bet.

Week two produced some questions, the answers to which will be important to gamblers for the rest of the season:

Are the Bills really this good (As I told some people before the season, I think they are) and how long will people underestimate them?

Along the same lines, how long will the Tom Brady-less Patriots be underestimated by the boys in Vegas?

The Browns were the preseason darlings of the AFC (I did tell anyone who would listen that they were overrated…just saying) but will that continue after their less-than-impressive start to the season?

Is Cincinnati going to continue to struggle this much on offense?

Just how good are the Jets?

Can the Cardinals play with teams that don’t suck?

Is there a line big enough to make you bet on the Chiefs?

How high will a Cowboys or Eagles over/under number have to be to not bet the over?

But right now the most important question is: who was the smoking hot chick sitting next to Michael Phelps at the Browns game on Sunday night? And a follow up question: if she was with Phelps and swimming can get you that caliber of female, why did I waste my time in high school playing real sports like football, basketball, and baseball?

For all of you who put money down on the Pats winning more than 12 games (thanks, MFH), don’t worry– you’ll turn a nice profit in December. In fact, you may even want to start laying some money down on a game-to-game basis with the way Vegas is underestimating Cassel and Co. Though for all of us who took Randy Moss in the 1st round of our fantasy drafts– this is shaping up to be a loooooong season.

Last week was less than ideal. I went 1-3 against the spread in my opening week and Tom Brady went down for the season. Now I am far from a Patriots fan, but I did bet a decent amount of money that they’d win more than 12 ½ games. Ouch. Because of their weak schedule, there is actually still a chance the Patriots win 13-plus, and who knows, maybe Matt Cassel is the new Tom Brady. Anyway, the way I look at things, I’m due for a good week. I hope that’s the case because as I look over the games for this weekend I don’t see anything that is very appealing. Here’s a few examples:

Patriots +2 ½ at Jets: The Patriots are GETTING points!? Oh yeah, Tom Brady is gone and the guy they are trusting to run things hasn’t started a game since high school. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Colts –1 ½ at Vikings: The Colts looked bad in week one and they are giving up points on the road. Oh but wait, they’re playing the Vikings and last I checked Tavaris Jackson is still the Viking quarterback.

49ers +8 ½ at Seahawks: Things are so bad in Seattle that I received a phone call earlier tonight about playing wide receiver for the Seahawks this week. Seriously though, Seattle is missing their top four pass catchers and Matt Hasselbeck is having back problems. All of this and they are giving up more than a touchdown. But before you get too excited, look again at their opponent. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Next.

Steelers – 5 ½ at Browns: The Browns came into this season a bit overrated and the Steelers looked very good last week. But the Browns aren’t a bad team (in fact they may have the best offensive line in the league) and they are 5 ½-point dogs at home. You can’t ignore the home dog factor. You may want to bet this one, but I’d rather not.

So those are some games I won’t be betting on, let’s see if we can find a few worth taking a shot at (HOME TEAM IN CAPS):

BRONCOS + 2 over Chargers: The Broncos were impressive in week 1 (albeit against Oakland) and the offense should be even better with the return of Brandon Marshall and will be playing at home. On the visitor’s sideline San Diego will be without Shawn Marriman who finally realized that five different doctors may actually know what they’re talking about. And if all that weren’t enough, Phillip Rivers, AKA the west coast Rex Grossman, quarterbacks the Chargers.

CHIEFS -3 ½ over Raiders: I didn’t like the Chiefs heading into the season and I still don’t think they are all that good, but they did show me something against the Patriots even before Tom Terrific went down. Oh, and JaMarcus Russell is the Raiders’ quarterback.

Saints + ½ over REDSKINS: The Saints are the only team I bet last week that actually worked out. Any good gambler knows when to stick with what works.

Packers -2 ½ over LIONS: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Take a few minutes today to reflect on the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01, and say a prayer for those whose lives were changed forever because of the senseless, cowardly acts of violence in New York, Washington, D.C., and on Flight 93.

So I’m flipping through the stations last night, and I come across this movie on HBO that seems pretty interesting: The Perfect Murder. Basically it’s about this poor sap (Michael Douglas) who is getting cheated on by his hot wife (Gweneth Paltrow) ’cause she feels lonely and misunderstood and blah blah blah, and at the end of the movie she shoots him in the chest like five times, obviously killing him, and the cops practically throw her a parade down the Canyon of Heroes for doing so. Oh yeah, somewhere in the middle of all that Douglas’ character hires his wife’s lover (Vigo Mortensen) to murder her (how’s that for a twist?). Anyway, let me get this straight: if I get married (which is even more unlikely after seeing this flick), and my wife decides to start stepping out on me, then I just better shut up about it or else risk having her use me for target practice? I mean I get it: trying to off your spouse is a very bad thing and for all I know it might even be illegal, but how was that a fitting end? If anything, she should’ve gotten her just desserts too. Now I’m not saying an eye-for-an-eye or anything else along those lines, but maybe she could’ve at least lost her job amid the turmoil, or went completely insane and had to spend the rest of her life in an institution, or found out that her lover gave her herpes… just anything that would’ve tipped the scales of justice a little more evenly. But nope– instead we now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our future wives can do whatever they damn well please, regardless of whether there are any wedding vows that say otherwise…

and by “pimptastic” I mean the “cops” (rest of the NFL) will run a “sting operation” (blitz the crap out of Cassel until he can no longer leave the sidelines after he lapses into a state of perpetual catatonic shock) and blow up Cassel’s entire operation. Though all these uppity Jet fans need to get a grip– the Pats are still winning the division. The fact that they have the easiest schedule in the league still counts for something… only now they’ll lose in the divisional round of the playoffs instead of going to the Super Bowl.

And no, I’m not referring to that of Tom Brady and the Pat’s either. The Pats are infamous for plugging along despite significant injuries and if they want the rest of the league to rest on their laurels and think they aren’t going to be the contender they were speculated to be, I’m sure Belichick has no problem with it, especially if Matt Cassel turns into a model-banging-twinkle-in-his-eye-TD-throwing-gay-a$$-reincarnation of Mr. Brady.

No, the garbage season I am referring to is that of the New York Tankees. Buck Showalter leaves and Torre wins 4 WS’s in 5 years; Torre leaves and Girardi gets Matsui and A-Rod on the DL, Posada out for the season, busts in Kennedy and Hughes, a scare with Joba, and a host of other BS that the other teams in the league, and even in the division, have dealt with and are still so far ahead of the Yanks that nothing short of winning every remaining game with several losses by Tampa and Beantown combined will rescue the Yanks from the trash bag to the top of the (Wild Card) heap. Even if that were to happen… and I’m clearly NOT saying it will… are we to expect another first round exit? Or shall we settle to losing it all to the Brewers in 5 games? Whatever the case, at the very least, we’ve just learned how to say garbage in Spanish… so I guess the season’s not a total loss.

Yeah, I guess we should… Brett Favre is (way) better than Chad Pennington and the Jets have a joke schedule. While neither of these things will stop Gang Green from getting deuced on by the Pats twice this year, it should help them rack up some wins on plenty of other Sundays. I’ll say they go 9-7 and challenge for a wild card spot through the final week of the season. Oh yeah, which means no Madden curse either… and feel free to remind me of this when Brett ends up on the PUP list by mid-October.