Since last night was one of the few times I’ll have left to spend at the current Stadium, I figured I’d treat it as a field trip and try to pick up a thing or two during the Derby. Well, here’s what I learned:
1. Kevin Youkilis’ kid has the biggest Jew-fro I’ve ever seen. Somewhere Jonah Hill fears that the clock has started ticking on his ownership of the ugly-guy-who-everyone-finds-hilarious-simply-because-he’s-funny-to-look-at typecast role.
2. Drunk chicks should not be allowed at sporting events… unless they sign a waiver to keep their mouths shut and agree to “act out” only by taking their shirts off. Do I love women? Absolutely. But believe me, nothing is more annoying than loud, drunk chicks at sporting events that they know nothing about. They spend most of the night screaming things that make no sense… only to spend the rest of the evening looking around to see if any dudes found their idiocy amusing (which no one did). And any time a popular rap song is played (which happened pretty frequently last night), they start flailing their arms around like they’re in a club and try grinding with any guy within five feet of them. And if that fails, then they bop their head up and down and start flailing their arms again. Listen, if you want to dance around and get so drunk that you wake up tomorrow morning and forget the fact that you slept with a random dude the night before then hail a cab and take it about 130-blocks south of here, bimbo.
3. The “De-rek Je-ter” chant after Reggie threw out the first pitch was freakin’ awesome. My buddy told me that you couldn’t really hear it on TV, but it served notice that no matter how many Red Sox are in the All-Star game, we Yankee fans are determined to turn this thing into our own exclusive party.
4. Evan Longoria getting booed was pretty cool too. That’s what you get for beating the Giambino in the final vote and stealing his rightful place in the Derby. Now go find your husband Tony Parker and catch the first flight back to Tampa, bastard. Hmmm, that reminds me…
5. There weren’t any Yankees in the Derby. Ah, so that’s what everyone’s been b*tchin’ about the last few days. I didn’t think it would matter that much, that is until I sat in my seat and realized I had to root for Josh Hamilton (No joke, everyone within five rows of me was talking about Hamilton was their guy well before he pulled a “2005 Bobby Abreu.” More on that in a minute.) And not that that’s the worst thing in the world necessarily, it’s just that for 99% of the people in the Stadium, this is the first time we’ve been forced to root for someone NOT wearing Pinstripes. Sacrilege, my friends. Though this brings me to my next point…
6. Notice how subdued the crowd was last night? This is what I love about New Yorkers, and Yankee fans in particular– we don’t care that this is supposed to be some big, historic event. If there aren’t any Yankees (or Mets, if you’re so inclined) involved, then we aren’t going to feign an interest in something we couldn’t give two sh*ts about. Will we sit and watch it? Sure. New Yorkers are all too happy to turn anything into a social event. But you won’t see us going all ‘99-Fenway-Park like Boston did, celebrating like they had won the World Series every time Mark McGwire ‘roided balls onto I-90. Well, that is until we realized that…
7. Josh Hamilton will be the next great Yankee. Everyone was rooting for this guy and how could you not? His comeback story is more-than-inspirational and it also helps that he’s the best player in baseball not named A-rod (and considering he hasn’t even played one full season yet, I’m thinking it won’t be long before that title is his to own exclusively). But when he hit the Bank of America sign behind the bleechers, put a few more balls into the Black Seats, and had us all chanting “HAM-IL-TON!”, he might as well have been wearing Pinstripes right then and there because we basically embraced him as one of our own. I don’t know when Hamilton becomes a free agent, but after last night, this is a match made in heaven. Hopefully whoever takes over for B-Ca$h after this season realizes this as well.
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