The ultimate douche

I heard this jewel of a phone message on the Opie and Anthony show (mornings on K-Rock). It’s a series of phone messages he left a girl he met on the street in Toronto. I’ve listened to it four times myself and laugh harder every time. I didn’t think it could get any funnier until I read up on the back story. Apparently this Casanova used to be a physician but lost his license after pleading guilty to sexual impropriety after multiple female patients accused him of touching them inappropriately. Classy. He then took on the persona “Dimitri the Lover” and became a pick-up guru. He actually charges poor suckers money for lessons on how to pick up women. After listening again to the audio I couldn’t help but wonder who would pay money for instructions from this guy? It’d be like asking Carl Lewis for singing lessons. However, even more embarrassing than taking lessons from this chump is being one of the dumb girls he actually successfully bedded. Because you know there are at least a few. Once this message came to light and radio shows syndicated across the country, not to mention millions of people on the internet, were mercilessly destroying this loser for his lack of ability to interact with women, how awful do you feel knowing you let this douche of all douches stuff you a few months back? Now, without further ado, I give you Dimitri the Douche:

http://view.break.com/527579

Now that I listen to it again, what’s wrong with this bitch? He’s great in bed, makes great money. He’s a complete catch. He’s one of the few men in the city with nothing wrong with them. She’s been abused as a child, has a cancerous mother, and has an anxiety disorder. Not to mention she’s passive aggressive. She’s lucky he even gave her the time of day.

While listening to Dimitri the Douche’s series of messages I was reminded of some other douchey messages I’d heard from the internet (both also discovered through the Opie and Anthony Show – mornings on K-Rock):

The first is SHAMEFULLY HILARIOUS. Troy is a different type of douche, but a douche nonetheless. He made a tape for his girlfriend Melissa for their 6-month anniversary (a tape dubbed on the internet as “Troy’s mixtape of love”). It is FOURTEEN minutes of Troy telling Melissa how much he loves her… oh and he sings towards the end, which is priceless. I have NEVER gotten the douche chills as quickly or as badly as I did listening to this foolishness. It is such a humiliating tape that I would have more respect for Troy if he were caught on video willingly being the object of an all-male gang bang. Part of me felt bad for the kid knowing how many people ended up hearing this tape, but the larger, much more dominant part of me laughed my balls off and hoped to God I’d hear that she dumped his sorry ass the very next day. My favorite aspect of this recording may be the fact that he mumbles his way through it, showing a complete lack of confidence in it, as if he knows how much of a douche he is and a part of him doesn’t even want Melissa to hear it. Well that and the first five seconds… and the singing… and well, just about everything - it’s beyond funny. They should fire every operator at the suicide hotline and just play this tape to whoever calls in. The caller will think, “I’ve had some shitty things go on recently, but G-damn at least I’m not this much of a loser. Just knowing that somewhere out there this whale’s vagina is still walking the earth is enough to keep me fighting the good fight.” I know whenever I get down about something I listen to this file and immediately feel infinitely better about myself. Thank you Troy.

The third file is a series of voice mail messages from yet a different type of douche. This hard ass met a chick on J-Date and went on two dates with her. The messages are post date number two. In them Darren shows that he’s been too busy PERPETUATING STEREOTYPES to learn how to deal with women:

The Perils Of Using JDate

Hey Darren, I don’t think you took things quite far enough. Enjoy… I sure did.