THANK YOU, THEO EPSTEIN!!! Now I know what some of you are going to say: “But Monnie D., didn’t the Sox get Jason Bay???” Please. The only city where there’s more jubilation about this deal than there is in LA is right here in New York. Here’s a handful of the 20-something texts I received from fellow Yankee fans since the deal broke:
“Dude, Manny to the Dodgers, YES!!!”
“Sox are done.”
“The division is ours now.”
“No more Manny! Mussina’s worst nightmares are over!”
“Papi won’t see a pitch to hit for the rest of his lifetime.”
Seriously though, B-Ca$h probably needed a towel when he checked SI.com at 4pm. Sure, Jason Bay’s numbers are similar to Manny’s this year, but anyone who thinks they are comparable players clearly invested some money in a crack pipe recently. Bay’s a fringe All-Star; Manny’s a first-ballot HOFer. Bay’s never played in a pennant race; Manny’s a two-time World Champion. Bay’s never talked about as one of the elite hitters in the game, let alone the National League; Manny may be the best right-handed hitter in the history of baseball… and the list just goes on and on. Plus, just like my buddy alluded to up there, we’ll no longer be on the verge of a nervous breakdown every time Moose faces the Sox. Add to that the fact that Bay didn’t go to the division-leading Rays as a replacement for Eric “Everyone’s still waiting for my batting average to exceed my weight” Hinske, but instead went to the (tenuously situated) second-place Sox as a replacement for MANNY RAMIREZ, and it becomes pretty obvious why this deal could do more for our division title hopes than the Nady/Marte and Pudge trades combined.
By the way, last time I checked, the Sox don’t exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to trading Hall of Fame sluggers after winning a couple championships in the early part of a century. Savor the moment, Yankee fans– we’ll remember this day fondly for years to come.
I’m a Red Sox fan and I love the city of Boston, but what the hell is wrong with the residents of that great city? In New York we have Mayor Michael Bloomberg - a very bright businessman who, as the mayor of New York City, has taken strides to continue the decline in crime that began under Rudy Giuliani as well as improve education in the city, all while taking a salary of $1. In Boston they continue to elect a mentally retarded man who talks as though he has a mouth full of marbles. The guy sounds worse than when I try to talk to chicks after a half bottle of Jack and ten Sam Adams. And he’s been the mayor since 1993! This jackass has been known to refer to the city’s parking problem as an “Alcatraz (rather than albatross) around his neck” and referred to former mayor John Collins as “a man of great statue.” He did, however, pay a nice complement to L.S.D, calling it (him) “the best president we ever had.” Enjoy along with me these priceless audio clips from Mayor Mumbles himself.
Oh yeah, the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants started training camp this week. All I have about it right now is that my buddy who works at the University at Albany got his picture taken standing next to the Vince Lombardi trophy wearing a Super Bowl ring. Now I am not the kind of guy to get jealous, but I am supremely envious. Maybe I’ll write something substantial about the G-Men next week.
No joke, Chuck Wipple and I were discussing the Yanks’ plans going into the deadline tomorrow, when I go “I think we’re in the market for a catcher more than people realize.” Of course I haven’t put out a trade-oriented blog since the Nady/Marte deal broke, so I’m gonna have to ask you all to take my word on this (which I doubt you will). Anyways, I have some mixed feelings about this move. On the one hand, Pudge is a definite upgrade over Jose Molina. On the other, who pitches the 8th inning for us now? My vote goes to Jose Veras, but it’s anyone’s guess who’ll actually nail down the job. Maybe Marte, maybe Edwar… or maybe Mo can just make life easy on us and go be Goose Gossage the rest of the season? Don’t get me wrong, I’d never be caught dead saying Kyle Farnsworth is irreplaceable. In fact, the way he pissed his pants in Fenway last Friday pretty much sealed his fate… and that outing Monday night didn’t exactly help his cause either. But our MLB-best 48-1 record when leading after 6-innings is going to be hard to reproduce the rest of the way without the services of Farnsy, or as one of my buddies affectionately called him “Suckworth.”
By the way, kudos to Max Kellerman, who was talking about trading Farnsworth this morning while his value was still relatively high. Granted, he didn’t even think we could get Ramon Castro for him (which I guess poses the question of whether the Tigers overpaid for him or not), but at least Kellerman had the right idea going. None of the so-called experts (a-hem, a-hem, Peter Gammons, John Heyman, a-hem, a-hem) even had this on their radar. Figures.
Oh well, here’s to trying to bash our way to a 27th World Championship. I mean it’s worked so well these past 7 years, why do it any other way?
She’s plump, powerful and ready to cause more controversy than “SuperSize Me.” She’s Fat Princess, the star of Sony’s upcoming video game of the same name. Debuting at last week’s E3 expo, the colorful Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.
According to popular gaming blog Joystiq, two feminist gaming sites have already voiced their displeasure with the weighty issue. Feminist Gamer’s “Mighty Ponygirl” rings in diplomatically, suggesting a new way to play the game altogether. “Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest. The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry,” she said, before adding, “Oh, but that’s not as “cute” as cake and fat chicks. Right.”
When Mo gave up that solo blast to Aubrey Huff, I bet my buddy that run would be the difference in the game. I may be $20 richer, but this is one of the few times that I can actually say I’m not happy about being right. Can’t wait to see how much more of that 8-game winning streak we plan on pissing away the rest of this week…
There has been some gossip going around that the Jets may be in talks to acquire Brett Favre from the Packers. Well Jet fans, I’m here to burst your collective bubble before you get overly excited about the prospect of Favre leading the J-E-T-S to a Super Bowl victory Joe Willy Namath style. I hate to tell you buddy (actually I don’t hate it at all), but the deal just doesn’t make sense for either party.
It’s been well documented that Favre must approve any trade the Packers try to include him in and there’s no way Brett wants to play for your awful team. Nobody is going to dispute the fact that Favre doesn’t have many good seasons left in him. Ideally, he’d go to a team that is a quarterback away from being a serious contender (Jacksonville or San Diego anyone?) and the Jets are a quarterback away from being a bad team with a quarterback. He’s going to want to go to a team that has a shot at going to Raymond James Stadium for the Super Bowl. The closest the Jets are going to get to Tampa this year is when the travel to Miami in week 1. Hey, at least that will be a win. I just don’t see Brett looking at the Jets coming off a 4-12 season and thinking, “that’s the kind of team I can see myself making ill-advised passes for.”
Along the same lines, the Jets know they aren’t a serious contender this year and it’s highly unlikely they’d give up a high draft pick to get a 38-year-old quarterback. The Jets could use a good quarterback to improve their chances of finishing second in the division, but they’d much rather have a quarterback who isn’t going to be announcing his retirement again at the end of the 2008 season.
The Jets aren’t even the best fit in the AFC East for Favre. The Buffalo Bills are closer to being a playoff contender and also could use consistent play from the quarterback position. Don’t, however, take that as an MFH prediction of Favre playing in Buffalo this season. The Bills seem to be very happy with Trent Edwards’ off-season development, and giving up a high draft pick for a one-year rent-a-player isn’t the type of move the Bills organization has historically been interested in.
The teams that make the most sense are (as mentioned above) the Jags and the Chargers, but both teams seem to be content with their current quarterbacks. I happen to disagree with both, particularly the Chargers. As I mentioned numerous times on the old Subway Chatter site, Phillip Rivers STINKS! He is THE weak link on the Chargers. I have repeatedly called him the west coast Rex Grossman – referring to the worst starting quarterback in the league save for maybe Tavaris Jackson – and until further notice I stick to that assessment. But supposedly San Diego is happy with Rivers, so Favre will probably not end up there. The Vikings and Bears are the other teams that present the perfect situation for Favre, but both play in the NFC North with Green Bay, so unfortunately for Favre he won’t be taking any sex cruises in Minnesota, or replacing the original Rex Grossman in the Windy City.
I have no idea where Brett Favre will be playing when the 2008 season kicks off on September 4. I do know that Favre will not be throwing up prayers for the J-E-T-S this year or next. So don’t get your hopes up Jets fans. Much like if you ignored my warnings last year and expected to make the playoffs, you’re just setting yourselves up for a major disappointment.
So I was watching the Yankees flex some Bomber Biceps this weekend with my dad, Fat Joe, and the following convo took place when Manny Ramirez strolled into the batter’s box for the first time on Saturday:
Me: This guy’s such a piece of sh*t.
FJ: No, you’re wrong… this guy is a f@#kin’ abomination to baseball, he’s a f@#kin’ pig!
Me: Wow pop, tell us how you really feel.
FJ: Stop being a smart ass and get me some beer.
Just thought I’d share that touching father-son moment with you all. As a side note– even though he looks like the Predator, and probably smells worse than Pam’s whoo-whoo after Tommy Lee, or Kid Rock, or whatever other piece of TPT nails her, in all fairness Manny is a ridiculously legit hitter… but that doesn’t mean I’m NOT gonna crack on him for being the lazy a$$-clown that he is, now am I?
“The Yankees are getting closer and getting stronger, while we haven’t done much,” Ramirez said. “I could say that right now there’s a strange atmosphere in our team.”
And by “strange,” Manny, did you really mean “not heterosexual?” ‘Cause that’s the same vibe I always get from the Sux too.
PS– I love how the Sox are trying to manufacture a built-in excuse for losing this series by holding Manny out for any number of these games. And trust me, when the Sox do lose this series, all you’re gonna hear from every Sox fan from Kennebunkport to Providence is how they were undermanned, how they weren’t able to trot out their regular lineup, and so-on and so-forth. Yeah, well all the Yanks have done without the likes of Wang, Matsui, Jorgie, and Damon is win seven in a row (and counting) and make up 6.5 games in the standings in 2.5 weeks, so tough sh*t.
A) How the f#$k does Brendan Fraser keep getting work? Working with Pauly Shore is the Hollywood kiss of death and yet he’s in two movies that were just released. If I knew of any movies being filmed nearby, I’d walk onto the set and tell them that if Brendan can “act,” then they’ll love me because this face, it’s a money maker.
B) Brett Favre: to retire or not to retire, that is the topic of discussion on ESPN every freakin’ night. Whether ’tis nobler in the minds of some Packers officials to keep Brett for nostalgic purposes, or whether ’tis wiser to say, “You’ve retired for the umpteenth f*ckin time, let your career end on a high note and don’t be like Montana, Namath, and Rice who ended their careers with teams that offered them nothing but a few more days of live practice.”
C) Training camp holdouts: what a bunch of f*ckin babies. I don’t like my contract, I don’t like this or that. 7 figures– that’s what you get paid to play what kids will beg their mothers to let them do for 10 minutes right before dinner time, and you won’t show up to camp because you don’t like your contract? Devon Hester is a quick somb*tch, but he just returns punts and kick-offs. With no real quarterback and not a lot of time split wide, I would be content with being a quick lil’ bastard on special teams, collect my paycheck, and be at camp with a smile on my face.
D) Speaking of smiles, Monnie D. was right (hardly surprising though) when he said to go see The Dark Knight. It is not all hype and it contains a good bit of Oscar-worthy acting by Heath Ledger. And regardless of whether or not he is still with us, Heath better be getting some Academy Award consideration. His performance was Daniel Day Lewis-esque in the way he put himself into the role of the Joker, making you feel the pain that the Joker displays to go along with that somewhat psychotic wit as well. Even beyond Ledger, The Dark Knight could easily be a dark horse for Best Picture.
E) The Yankees play Boston this weekend… really nothing else needs to be said (especially since we don’t have to worry about Melky waving to the fans).
Fortunately for the Mets (and my sucky ass fantasy team), John Maine actually put together a quality start. Even more importantly, Billy Wagner was on the mound to close it out. While the Mets are still not a championship caliber team, they are not even a .500 team if Billy ends up missing an extended portion of the season. His absence Tuesday highlights the Mets need for another shut down reliever (Brain Fuentes, Huston Street) to solidify the bullpen. But as for last night, the Mets can enjoy a hard fought victory.
God I love when the Twins come to town. Make that 19 “W’s” in our last 22 against the Twinkies at The Stadium. Remember back on July 6th, after our second consecutive piss-poor performance against the Sox, when I said the Yanks were far from being done? Well, after six wins in a row (10-straight at home), two consecutive sweeps (over teams that were ahead of us in the standings at the time) and 11 wins in our last 14 games (10 of the 11 coming against teams with winning records), I think it’s safe to say “We’re baaaaack.” Hide the women and children, Beantown. We’re on our way. Not even Big Papi can save you from the Yankee buzzsaw now. Should’ve buried us when you had the chance, putzes.
Everyone’s saying all the “right” things in light of this event, the oft-used “I can’t believe this happened,” and “What a travesty,” and whatever else sounds like something we’d expect them to say, but honestly, how can anyone even be remotely surprised by this? If you spend the last 20 years completely emasculating every male on the planet, doping them up with ritalin every time they show even a hint of precociousness (thankfully I’m not speaking from experience here), and convincing them that even the slightest form of aggressive behavior demonstrates their true inner-chauvinist, then someone had to step in and fill the void and these amazons were all too willing. But seriously, look at all that feminism has accomplished: now women everywhere can say, unabashedly, that they are finally our equal… right down to getting into massive brawls at professional sporting events.
By the way, what is in the Gatorade in Detroit? First there was the “Malice at the Palace,” and now a sequel? Every time I watch a game there (and by “watch” I mean “catch the highlights” because I’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my finger nails than watch more than 20-seconds of Chickball) it’s like that scene from Little Nicky where all hell breaks lose at the basketball game. And what was Rick Mahorn thinking here? Clearly he misinterpreted Chris Rock’s famous tutorial on domestic violence. It’s “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll shake the sh*t out of her,” not “I won’t hit a b*tch, but I’ll throw her down in front of 15,000 people and make sure ESPN catches me doing it on 20-different camera angles.” Though I will say this– it’s hilarious when something embarrassing happens to a chick. Whether it be a girl falling down in public, or getting hit in the head by a random foreign object (get your mind out of the gutter, people), it’s always good for a laugh. I’m sorry it came at the hands of Rick Mahorn assaulting Lisa Leslie in this instance, but hey, sometimes that’s the price you pay for high comedy.
PS– Forget the disaster you watched up there, this is how God intended for women to fight:
Yeah, throw that towel right in Danica’s face, Milka. What’s with the dudes trying to break this thing up? Freakin’ amateurs.
