The Subway Chatter “Not-100″ (Divided by 10)

Warning: The following blog entry is rated “M” for Men. Women who are easily offended are strongly urged to skip this entry and move on to Monnie D’s latest discussion of the Yankees or Chuck Wipple’s tear-soaked piece about the Mets still sucking. This is the most vicious and tasteless blog entry Subway Chatter has posted. It’s despicable, but some will love it. That being said I welcome all hate mail: mfh@subwaychatter.com. Now, in the spirit of the Maxim Hot 100, which was recently released, and drawing upon our long-established history of rating women, I give you the Subway Chatter “Not 100” (divided by 10)…

You know how you’ll be watching TV and you see a chick on the screen and a bunch of your buddies launch into how hot she is, leaving you sitting there thinking, “I find her about as sexually stimulating as the show Fear Factor?” Or you listen to someone on the television go on and on about how beautiful a chick is and you just sit there flabbergasted? I’ve recently experienced a few of those moments decided I had to sit down and compile this list. Here is a list of the top 10 women people find hot that just aren’t.

10. Evangeline Lilly (“Kate” from Lost)

She’s OK, I’d give her like a 6, but come on, so many guys talk about how hot she is and she’s only the 4th or 5th hottest chick that‘s been on the show (most of the others have been killed off unfortunately).

9. Lindsay Lohan

I’m not big on the freckles all over a body which at times isn’t that great. To me big boobs on a young chick doesn’t automatically make her hot. All that being said I’d still tag her and not even have to be drunk. Sometimes she looks kind of good, sometimes not so much. No way should she be top ten in the Maxim Hot 100. Sidebar - When she first became popular well before all of the coke allegations my buddy told a story about how a friend of his found a wallet on the sidewalk in New York and looked inside and found out it was Lindsey Lohan’s. Upon further inspection he found a small bag of coke. We weren’t sure how much to believe him. Fast forward about a year and half and she’s driving under the influence with coke in the car.

8. Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway? Really? Come on. My buddy Alvie won’t like this (Editor’s note: and neither will Consiglieri) but I don’t know why guys consider ol’ camel-face hot. What is it exactly that makes her pretty? Her grapefruit sized eyes or her alligator mouth? She looks like the chick in high school who was always awkward and unattractive and then one summer she grew into her body and came back junior year with a pretty nice rack, but still has that face. And your buddy comes up to you and says, “Damn, Anne got hot!” But you remind him that just because she’s hot-ter doesn’t mean she’s hot. Yeah she went from a 3 ½ to a 5 ½ or 6, but she’s still a 5 ½ or 6. And you tell him to concentrate on Christina, who went from a 9 down to an 8 and although she’s an 8, that loss of a point hurt her self esteem just enough that she may actually give your buddy a chance. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Anne Hathaway - not that hot. It looks like this camel mated with this big-eyed bastard, and she was the resulting offspring.

7. Mary Kate Olsen

You know how when the Olsen Twins were 16 and 17 and people were eagerly anticipating their turning legal? I won’t argue there certainly was some potential there. Well the payoff was almost as bad as the payoff at the end of The Village. It was a waste of potential on par with Mark Prior. For Mark Prior it was injuries that killed his mojo, for the Olsen twins it appears to be anorexia. This is nice. Skeleton-like - not so much. I actually don’t know which one is which, this may or may not be Mary Kate. Which brings us to…

7a. Ashley Olsen

This very well may be the same one as above, I just don’t know, but does it really matter?

6. Beyonce

From the waist up she looks good, but her legs and hips are HUGE! I’m sorry but I have a hard time finding a chick whose legs are twice the circumference of mine attractive. If she got her legs wrapped around me I’m quite certain she would crush me like a beer can on Blutarsky’s head.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker

I know every woman on the planet loves her show, but a word to the few broads who didn’t head my warning at the top of this piece: you do not want to look like any of the women on the show and frankly you don’t want to act like any of them either. Alright, so not many people call SJP hot, but a small number have tried and she certainly has tried to pass herself off as a sex symbol in Sex and the City as well as that make-up or hair commercial that she’s been in recently. Sorry horse-face, I’m not buying it.

4. Laura Prepon

I saw her Maxim spread a few years ago. I burned that issue. Next.

3. Serena Williams

(Given that this is a sports site, I needed to get an athlete on this list) Please nobody tell her she’s on this list, she could kill me with her bear hands (no, that’s not a typo). This “chick” could play linebacker for the Steelers. I’m sorry but any “female” that I would give a legitimate shot to run over Ray Lewis if you gave “her” a football does not strike me as attractive. I don’t hear very often that she’s attractive but Mike Wilbon, among others, often calls her beautiful on PTI and I always yell at the TV “She is ENOURMOUS!” or “She’s a beast you jackass!” He has yet to hear me through the screen.

2. Rose McGowan

Speaking as a pale man myself I have to say she’s just too pale. I’m a pale Irishman and standing next to her I’d look like Wesley Snipes (just as ripped mind you). Rumor has it when she walks in front of a white wall she actually disappears, all you see if floating black hair. On top of that she simply isn’t attractive at all. I’d rather watch soccer than hook up with Rose McGowan. I will concede that she looked pretty good in Grindhouse but my guess is that’s just good camera and lighting work by an inarguably great director.

1. Drew Barrymore

I’m probably going to piss off some females with this selection (not that they could get this far without hating me) because girls seem to really like her, but I’m sorry sweetheart, Drew Barrymore is NOT ATTRACTIVE. In Poison Ivy she looked ok, but that was quickly overshadowed by Alyssa Milano in Poison Ivy 2 and Jamie Pressley in Poison Ivy 3 – two women who are indeed hot. Charlie’s Angels reminded me of that game on Sesame Street, “which of these things is not like the others?” I don’t think Cameron Diaz looked fantastic in that and I’m not a big fan of Lucy Liu, but they still far outshined Drew. Drew Barrymore is like the girl next door…if you live in Buffalo (those who’ve lived in Buffalo know what I’m talking about here). Recently I was reminded that she was in E.T. and I actually thought for a moment she played E.T.’s alien love interest. In case you can’t tell, I’m sick of Hollywood casting Drew Barrymore in roles where she’s supposed to be cute or sexy. She’s not.

If you have a problem with anyone on this list feel free to let me hear about it. But be ready for me to mercilessly tear you a new one for your atrocious taste in women.