So most people are convinced the NBA is back: we’ve got the Lakers and the Celtics in the Finals, David Stern is busy whacking it to the Nielsen projections, and this is the first time since, well, probably the last matchup between these two franchises in the ‘87 Finals, that we have this star-studded of a cast vying for the Larry O’Brien trophy. But regardless, I’m not buying the hype… at least not until the NBA agrees to put these games on NBC and bring back that unmistakable cheesy intro music (it was written by John Tesh, no joke) that got everyone from the casual fan to the biggest of NBA die-hards jacked up for some round-ball. And in honor of the greatness that was– and continues to be, thanks to you Youtube– the NBA on NBC, I’ll break down this Finals matchup just like it would’ve shaken out had the Commish not been stupid enough to sell his soul to ESPN and ABC…
Player who would’ve benefitted from the “Jordan Rules”: only an idiot wouldn’t know that Kobe would get the royal treatment a la MJ back in the day. Problem is– at least if you’re a Celtic fan– those rules still apply for today’s superstars, especially for Bryant. Now while that may be a foregone conclusion, it’s anyone’s guess who’ll rack up an endless string of technical fouls trying to guard KB considering the C’s are likely to rotate defenders all series long. Either way, the Kobe fellating will be good for at least 12-15 additional points per game for the Lakeshow.
Player who Marv Albert would’ve, um, gotten “excited” about every time he did anything even remotely athletic: again, Kobe gets the nod here, and figure Ray Allen to be Kobe’s b*tch in any number of these situations, just like when MJ would sh*t on John Starks’ face in the mid-90s, and Marv Albert would smear it in with a little extra annunciation on his customary “YES! It counts, and the foooouuullll.” As an 11-year-old, I could never understand how a life-long Knicks’ broadcaster could openly root for a guy who would murder the team he worked for. Ah to be young, naive, and have no clue that Marv Albert dressed up like a female dominatrix on road trips again.
Player who Ahmad Rashad would’ve cornered for interviews after MJ/the most intriguing superstar in the series if MJ was in retirement would tell him to f@#k off after Game 1: that’d be Paul Pierce here ’cause he’s sneaky itching for the spotlight with the gang signs and all. Some might say Garnett, but he’s too much of a team guy for that crap.
Person (player or coach) who would tell Jim Gray to f#@k off and die during the Championship celebration interview: Kobe’s a good candidate for this one as well, but I’d have to go with Phil Jackson here. All it would take is one question about Kobe’s trade demand in the offseason and Jim Gray would have yet another guy on a long list of them, aka the ‘99 New York Yankees, who refuse to speak to him.
Steve Kerr/John Paxson type who you wouldn’t even know is on the championship teams’ roster until he hits like 3 game-winners: Derek Fisher. This one’s not even close.
Player who Bill Walton would claim is the greatest center in NBA history despite the fact that he’s the 3rd best player on his own team: Walton loves-loves-loves goofy white guys who have trouble getting up and down the court, and can barely touch rim even though they’re 7-foot. In other words, he loves himself. Pau Gasol unquestionably fits the bill here, and even goes above and beyond the call of duty in the oaf department.
Coach Peter Vescey would claim with absolute certainty will be fired if his team loses the series because a “well-placed source” (actually the guy sitting next to him on the 7 train) told him so: This one’s a wash. Both coaches are so firmly entrenched in management’s good graces that Vescey can’t even get the voice inside his own head to dish any dirt on them.
Final tally: Lakers 5, Celtics 1
In all seriousness though, somehow the Celtics have become a chic title pick once again thanks to their drubbing of the Pistons. I guess everyone forgot how much trouble they had with the 37-win Hawks and the one-man-show Cavs? Obviously they struggle to defend elite athletes, and the Lakers have plenty of those to go along with hoards of talent. This series won’t be as lopsided the numbers above indicate, but it won’t be that close either. Pick: Lakers in 6
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