Various thoughts to end your week

- Lou Pearlman, the evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world by poisoning every man, woman and child via the ears with his demonic creations, The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, was finally brought to justice (sort of). Pearlman was sentenced to 25 years in prison for releasing harmful, toxic garbage over the airwaves in an attempt to brainwash every female under the age of seventeen and direct them to terrorize all of America and eventually the world “Children of the Corn” style – which he came frighteningly close to achieving. Not really. He was actually sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding investors, including many friends, family members, and elderly retirees living off pensions over two decades. I’m not sure which is more offensive: forcing that trash he called music down our throats or persuading his friends and family to invest in two fake companies and bamboozling them out of hundreds of millions of dollars. Either way the guy is a true scumbag. Pearlman’s attorney argued that a 25 year sentence would amount to “a sentence to death” for the 53-year-old. Perhaps “a sentence to death” is exactly what he deserves for fleecing retirees out of their life savings, but in my opinion he deserves a death sentence for making superstars out of Nick Carter and JC Chasez (no, regrettably I did not have to look up their names, I actually remembered them – further proving my point that this Pearlman douche bag must pay). Part of his punishment should include nothing but N’Sync and Backstreet Boys songs played twenty hours a day in his cell for the duration of his sentence. Unfortunately The Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment.

- Some NFL veterans, including Titans center Kevin Mawae, are a little upset with the salary structure in the NFL I can’t say I blame them. Rookies are coming in and signing monstrous contracts without ever playing a professional down. Every year, first round rookie contracts get more outrageous and take up a larger chunk of a team’s salary cap space, which leads to non-superstar veterans’ salaries being squeezed. Why is it that the first pick in 2008 HAS to make a certain amount more than the first pick in 2007 (adjusted for position)? In a league with a salary cap in place, there is a finite size “pie” to be given out, and as rookies take a larger piece of the pie, there is less pie left over for proven veterans. Considering the number of high draft pick busts that are seen year in and year out, one would think the majority of salary money would go to guys that have proven themselves for a few years. Rookie Matt Ryan is guaranteed more money than Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, despite never throwing a pass in the NFL. Jake Long, who also has not played an NFL down, has more guaranteed money in his contract than Walter Jones. I hate going this long without making a joke to lighten things up, but there’s no joke to make. This situation is ridiculous and needs to be fixed. In the NFL more so than other professional league, proven players should be making substantially more money than veterans who have only proven themselves against college kids, not the other way around.

- The rocker David beat out the little gay one in the American Idol finale. That’s really all I know about it because I could care less about that dumb show, but apparently it’s a big deal.

- Word is Jason Taylor will be skipping all off-season workouts for the Dolphins, including training camp. Twinkle Toes will be missing a voluntary mini camp that begins Friday because he will be too busy doing publicity for “Dancing With The Stars.” In his ESPN the Magazine blog entry, Taylor wrote:

“I know what the reaction’s going to be: Oh, he’s the leader of that team, and he needs to be there,” Taylor wrote. “But, see, there’re different types of leadership in sports. There’re guys that can talk all the time, and try to lead by saying: ‘Oh, this is what we need to do, let’s go, rah, rah rah.’ They’re rah-rah guys.

“And then they’re guys, like me, who lead by example. And people are saying now, ‘Your example should be being there working out with the team.’ Well, at the end of the day, I will show up and I will do anything I need to do, and I will be the best football player I can be.”

In his own words Taylor “want(s) to win period, and I would love to win in Miami.” Well tell me Jason, as a guy who leads by example, how are you leading the Dolphins towards a championship by skipping practices to promote a television show that had you prancing around like Brian Boitano sans skates? You sure are setting a great example for the younger players by basically saying, “These off-season workouts are unnecessary. My time is much better spent doing publicity for a dancing show.” The Dolphins aren’t exactly coming off a Super Bowl season. They (you) were the worst team in the NFL. Every player on the team could use all the practice they can get. Maybe I’m insane for even thinking this, but even if you could not get any better as an individual player during these workouts, perhaps you could help out the younger players by teaching them and forcing them to practice against one of the best defensive linemen in football. Miami’s record last year is substantial proof that the whole team could use the work. But no Jason, it’s much more important to go on a publicity tour for a show on which you got your ass kicked by a figure skater. (Two figure skating references in one article – that HAS to be a record.) How dare Bill Parcells (who owns multiple Super Bowl rings) be upset with you for choosing a dancing show over off-season workouts. Clearly your team is primed to make a run at the title as is, no work needed. I hear ABC is currently casting for its new show that begins in August, “Eating Quiche, Sipping Cosmopolitans, Writing Poetry, and Getting Manicures While Weeping to ‘The Notebook’ With the Stars.” Why don’t you sign up for that? Who needs the preseason to get ready anyway? (By the way I had to look up how to spell Quiche)

Questions/Comments? Like Dancing with the Stars? (I’m in love with Julianne Hough and I don’t even watch that show) Think going on a dancing show isn’t fruity? Enjoy “The Notebook” and/or drinking cosmopolitans? Have something to add to my thorough American Idol wrap up? Currently trying to swindle your friends and family out of millions? Want to defend boy bands? Use the comment button below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com if you want some privacy.