So you’ve got the biggest series of the season apart from Yankees-Sox coming up, and how do you prepare for it? Well, if you’re the Yanks and the Mets, you play like absolute sh*t in losing 3 of your last 4 games before the 7 and 4 trains collide in the Boogie Down tonight. I can’t speak for Met fans (I’ll let Wipple handle that), but as far as the Yanks go, the first-quarter of the season better have been extended spring training or something, because if this keeps up, I’m gonna find something else to do during the next Yanks-Mets series that doesn’t involve blowing wads of cash on tickets to one of the games and then parking myself in front of the television for the other two like I will be this weekend. Fine, you’re right– I should stop bashing the Yanks and just preview this series. Like mom always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Actually, screw that. If LeBron can violate the 5th Commandment on national television, then why can’t I just go ahead and say mean things about the Yanks all day long? As a matter of fact, I have something to say about every single one of them…
The Lineup
1. Johnny Damon: endless string of broken bats directly responsible for the global shortage of maple syrup.
2. Derek Jeter: traded in his customary inning-ending double-play for the rally-killing strike out.
3. Bobby Abreu: fear of walls likely makes him the life of the party on the New York club scene.
4. Hideki Matsui: has a black belt in hitting solo home runs.
5. Jason Giambi: this is probably a year (or 3) too late, but bunt the damn ball already, will ya?
6. Melky Cabrera: on the verge of setting the club record for most plays celebrated.
7. Robinson Cano: to his credit, has the same “I don’t give a sh*t” expression regardless of whether he’s hitting .340 or .190.
8. Morgan Ensberg: hasn’t hit a breaking ball since Roger Clemens was still an American hero.
9. Jose Molina: aahh, so that’s why the Angels gave him to us for bag of crap.
The Reserves
- Alberto Gonzalez: not bad for a guy whose life seemed to have taken a down turn after resigning as Attorney General.
- Wilson Betemit: could’ve at least done the noble thing and given Giambi pink eye too.
- Shelley Duncan: has ably taken over for Gary Sheffield as the team’s leader in hardest hit foul balls.
- Chad Moeller: makes Kelly Stinnette seem like a reasonable alternative. For the record, that’s probably the biggest insult in this blog.
The DL
- A-rod: needs to start playing again, if for no other reason than to erase the memory of his “YESterdays” interview.
- Jorge Posada: wonder what his contract would’ve looked like if this little shoulder ailment happened a year ago?
- Phil Hughes: getting our just desserts for putting our faith in a life-long Red Sox fan.
The Rotation
1. Chienny-Ming: should be commended for his high level of play in the face of Jeter’s continued name-calling.
2. Andy Pettitte: anyone else hoping that HGH is legalized in the next month or so?
3. Mike Mussina: win all the regular season games you want, Moose, but I’m still firmly entrenched in the “I’m absolutely, positively crapping myself when you face Manny in the first-inning of Game 3 of the ALCS with 2-on and no one out” camp (not that we’ll actually get that far, obviously).
4. Darrell Rasner: Aaron Small 2k8. Obviously not a bad thing.
5(a). Ian Kennedy: should reconsider quitting his day job as Alfred E. Neuman’s stunt double.
5(b). Kei Igawa: at least we aren’t forced to watch Pavano waste $40+ million.
The ‘Pen
- LaTroy Hawkins: if stealing a revered Yankees’ number– and then giving it up– is the highlight of your career, well then you’ve got bigger problems than being called out in this blog.
- Ross Ohlendorf: proof positive that an Ivy League education (Princeton) guarantees you a six-figure salary.
- Chris Britton: supposedly the Yanks designated Billy Traber for assignment. I’m pretty positive Britton just ate him.
- Kyle Farnsworth: just a hanging slider away from being your least favorite Yankee again.
- Edwar Ramirez: stole Farnsworth’s goggles, hopefully with better results.
- Jose Veras: are you as shocked as I am that his arm hasn’t landed at home plate yet?
- Joba Chamberlain: that fist-pump will come in handy if and when we brawl with the Sox or Rays this year.
- Mo: as the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy once said, “Mo’ money, Mo’ saves.”
Alright, well that’s about all from me… until the Yanks go 0-21,325 with runners-in-scoring-position tonight. Oh, my prediction? Ah, what the hell– the Yanks sweep a big series. I mean they have to at some point, don’t they?
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