Guess I’m a hardcore Laker fan until further notice…

On a completely unrelated note– as many of you already know by now, women across the country have threatened to turn May 30th - June 1st into “National Psycho-b*tch-who’s-heinously-ugly-but-for-some-unexplained-reason-she-thinks-she’s-hot-because-in-the-TV-show-that-she-bases-her-life-on-Sarah-Jessica-Parker-and-her-crew-of-equally-disgusting-bimbos-get-with-madd-guys Weekend” with the release of the Sex and the City movie. That being the case, I implore you, proud members of SC Nation (yes, that includes all you lovely, non-conformist ladies out there), to do your part in boycotting this assault on all that is good and decent in the world by doing any of the following: watching ass-loads of sports, thumbing your nose at any and all women who have an attitude that doesn’t match their level of attractiveness, and hooking up with as many chicks as humanly possible without ever having the decency to return their phone calls once you seal the deal (and if you’re a girl, I guess that means you should watch endless amounts of sports with your dude and, if you can stomach the thought of it, stop making the kissy-face in all you pictures… well, at least for this weekend). Together we can all do our part to make sure that Sarah Jessica Parker’s tentacles do not extend beyond the minds of the mid-20s to 50-year-old women that she’s already poisoned with her foot-faced awfulness…

Last night the New York Football Giants picked up their Super Bowl XLII rings from Tiffany’s. Most of the team was there, including departed players Gabril Wilson and Kawika Mitchell. However, not in attendance was Jeremy Shockey. Make of that what you will. But back to the rings - the decision makers completely ignored my suggestions and settled on a tag on the rings that reads “11 straight on the road.” To me that tag is a little weak for the hardware symbolizing the Giants’ amazing run through the playoffs. I will give you, Subway Chatter Nation, ten of my suggestions on what they should’ve put on the rings, and you tell me if they made the right choice:

“Unlike the Yankees in 2004, we didn’t choke this one away to a Boston team”

“Maybe Eli wasn’t a huge bust”

“The Patriots proved to be as invincible as communist Russia”

“Tiki Who?”

“Making people run drunk and shirtless through the streets” (ok maybe that one is a little too inside)

“The chances of us winning 2-straight are about as good as Ugly Betty making it into the Maxim Hot 100”

“I ended the Patriots’ undefeated season and all I got was this stupid ring?”

“Tony Romo may have bagged Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson, but he doesn’t have one of these”

“Now do you want to f*** me?”

“Pounding Tom Brady worse than Giselle with a dildo”

Send in your ideas for the tag for the New York Giants Super Bowl rings to mfh@subwaychatter.com or just use the comment button below…

I know many pundits– including our esteemed editor-in-chief– believe that Joba Chamberlain’s rightful place is in the rotation. However, there’s something I have not read or heard anyone talking about yet, and that’s the effect Joba’s transition is going to have on Mo. Mo is enjoying one of the best seasons of his Hall-of-Fame career, and it is no coincidence that it has occurred with Joba dominating the 8th inning in front of him. Think about how many times during the Torre era (especially the last three/four years) Mo has had to come on in the 8th to record a 6, 5, or 4-out save? Thanks to Joba, that hasn’t happened yet. So my thing is this– by moving Joba to the bullpen, the Yanks are not only weakening their middle relief, but they are also weakening the closer position. And as LaTroy Hawkins demonstrated the other night, the Yankees just do not have another shut-down-type to bridge the gap to Mo. The Yankees spent $22 million on Steve Karsay to secure the 8th inning and he was not up to the task. Then they gave Kyle Farnsworth $17 million to be that guy, and so far he has failed (miserably). In total, they have spent $39 million this decade trying to find the next Jeff Nelson. And now that they finally found that dude (and only needed to spend a draft pick to do it), they went ahead and blew it up.

When the Yankees were winning the World Series every year, they did not have a Josh Beckett pitching Game 1, but they had pitchers like Andy Pettitte, El Duque, David Wells, David Cone, Jimmy Key, etc. pitching games 2, 3, 4, and 5, and those guys were way better than anyone the opposition threw in those games. The Yankees won because they always had a deep rotation, not an ace in the hole. So the Yankees may or may not have the next Josh Beckett, but in finding out if they do, they have also jeopardized the 9th inning by potentially over-using Mo to plug the gaping 8th-inning hole in their bullpen.

So hang tight, SC Nation, as the site won’t be updated until after the Yankees/Twins game… or until I burn Fenway to the ground, whichever happens first.

Last night I was watching Sports Center and they were talking about the fact that Brett Favre’s locker is still intact in the Green Bay locker room. Then someone commented about how Aaron Rogers must feel seeing it every time he walks by. The truth of the matter is, who gives a flying monkey f*ck what Rogers thinks. Favre is one of the most revered players of his generation, as is evinced by the pic of him with his mouth open in jubilation after a victory. The guy’s father dies and he has a career night on MNF (regardless of whether or not it was against the Raiders). Rogers should see that locker and know what he has to live up to… motivation can be a powerful little tool.

The comments on Rogers got me thinking about another athlete who is supposed to be the savior of a sport– much like Favre was the golden child of Green Bay and the NFL as a whole– and Sydney Crosby popped into my head. This kid is supposed to get hockey back on track, er, notch at least 2 more fans by the end of the year. His job is difficult, much like Kirstie Alley’s attempt to get back to her Cheers-figure days. But he could do it. He also has the charisma that Favre has and he plays with an emotion well beyond his years. Could he get the attention of fans that hockey needs (and trust me, it is needed… go to a bar and see how many TVs are turned to the Stanley Cup Playoffs and then compare it with how many have golf on instead)? Maybe we won’t know the answer to that for a few years. But, if he can get me to watch a game or two, he has a helluva chance.

So who is the next big thing? Who will take their sport to a level that we have yet to see? King James has made us all “Witnesses”; baseball has a number of players that could be argued as the reason why thousands of fans watch and pack stadiums everyday; but who will step up and make sure that all sports have passionate followers? Who will be found on the streets playing stick ball only to be in the majors when they come of age? Who will take a driver at the age of 5 and hit it straight down the fairway? Who will take a raquet and be unstoppable on both clay and artificial courts? Who will get behind the wheel and make sure that people who aren’t named Billy Bob will watch machines go in an oval 300 times? Who will sleep with Pamela Anderson and not catch a venereal disease? Who will it be?

Each week I try to write at least two pieces for Subway Chatter. When I don’t the people demand more MFH. So even though there is nothing in the way of sports or pop culture that I feel like commenting on, I decided to sit down and write something up real quick. If you are worried about losing your intense admiration for me, you may want to quit reading… now. For the rest of you, on with the meaningless nonsense:

Subway Chatter Tournament of Hotties runner up Carrie Underwood told Fox News she’s happy to be single right now. While she’s not averse to the idea of having a boyfriend, right now she just wants to focus on herself. She also took a shot at hated (at least by me) Cowboys quarterback Tony “Homo is just too easy” Romo and apparently some pretty boy from “Gossip Girl” by saying, “If I found something worth finding by now I would have made time for it, but right now I’m so busy I don’t need a boyfriend.” This is how Carrie feels now, but keep in mind, she hasn’t met a certain writer for a certain New York area sports blog. Perhaps the only one with the balls to openly root for the World Champion Boston Red Sox. I too happen to be single at the moment. I don’t mean to get all two of our female readers all excited, I’m just saying. Let’s just say I’m fairly confident that Ms. Underwood will be singing a different tune once I interview her leading up to the second annual Subway Chatter Tournament of Hotties. I may not be an NFL quarterback or on a hit TV show, but I am currently in seventh place in a very competitive fantasy baseball league. I also happened to write such riveting material as “What the hell are you,” “Various Thoughts to End Your Week” and of course the brilliance that was “MFH’s Derby Roundup.” If you’re not impressed by those kind of credentials then check your pulse because you’re probably dead.

Speaking of hot chicks (and nonesense), VH1 just aired their special announcing this year’s Maxim Hot 100. (Kind of a cheap rip off of the Subway Chatter Tournament of Hotties don’t you think?) I watched most of the special while writing the first two paragraphs of this trash and although I don’t disagree with most of the choices, there are a few that baffle me. Among those who made the cut: Tila Tequila, the tatted out chick from LA Ink, Christina Ricci, Drew Barrymore, one of the Olsen Twins (I don’t know which one, does it matter?) and Emily Watson. Now E Dub is cute, but isn’t she only like 16? She’s best known as the little girl from Harry Potter. Maybe I’m alone here, but it just seems a little scummy to me to put her on a hot 100 list. The others I simply don’t find attractive in the least (which gives me an idea for another piece for when I have nothing sports-related to write about, stay tuned). Britney Spears was also on the list, and quite high. Unless this was a repeat from seven years ago then that is absolutely absurd. Why not just put Bo Derrick on the list because thirty years ago she looked good in that one movie where she’s running along the beach? I’d do more research and actually get the name of the movie and make sure I spelled her name right but I feel it’s unnecessary for this poppycock (you like that word don’t you?) I’m spewing right now. The most egregious offense I saw was America Ferrera was on the Maxim Hot 100. How the hell do you put Ugly Betty on a hot 100 list? Word is next year Melanie Griffith is number 12. Among those who I did not see in the Hot 100: Alessandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Sophia Bush, or my girl Carrie. I used to think Maxim was a respectable publication. I am now having serious doubts. I mean come on Maxim. Ugly Betty? Really?

If you want to comment, leave your “boos” below with the comment button. Want to disagree with me in private? Or is your name Carrie? Email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com

Like the Mets, I have decided to take some time off from writing. While my sabbatical was approximately a week, the Mets have taken about the last 162 games off (their record is 79-83 over that span, to be exact). Therefore, although I hoped that they would awake from their year-long slumber after their weekend sweep of the Yankees 8 days ago, it looks like this team needs to adopt Barack Obama’s theme of change this season. However, I do not believe this change should be limited to the manger’s office (although Willie deserves his fair shame of blame) as the Mets as an organization has basically performed like s**t from the owners box all the way down to the General Manger’s office.

While the Mets look good on paper– I thought they’d at least make it to the NLCS– they have played mostly uninspired baseball this season. When you are being paid millions of dollars to play a game it would be natural to expect that you always try your best to win. Players such as Derek Jeter may be overrated (please, no hate mail), he always plays to win the game. Whether it is legging out an infield single or getting hot chicks, Mr. Jeter always produces. However, instead of Derek Jeter leading our team we have players like Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado, who if they are not playing well add about as much character to your team as the inflatable dolls in the White Sox’s clubhouse. Sure David Wright tries to lead his team, but it is obvious to me that no one on the roster really gives two craps about what he says. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard Wright plead with his teammates to show some more fire and then they go out and lose 6-1 to the Nationals or something. It’s obvious that Willie Randolph, who makes Cleveland from Family Guy seem like an A-type personality (By the way, did you hear he is getting his own show?), is not the right manger for this team. However, the main culprit in all of this is Omar Minaya.

Mets fans should be calling for Minaya’s scalp considering he put this whole bag of s**t together. Yes, Mets fans, he was the genius who anointed Mosies Alou as the starting Left Fielder, a guy who hasn’t played a hundred games in like 10 years. And then to makes matters even worse, he didn’t see fit to get a fourth outfielder to sub in for said injury-prone outfielder. Now, with Ryan Church still stuck in the fog of his post-concussion syndrome, the Mets only have Carlos Beltran as a legitimate, major league-type player in the outfield (it just so happens that when the Mets have needed him the most, he has had a off year at the plate). Oh yeah, and how could I forget– he gave 25 million dollars to a second baseman who is clearly on the downside of his career and whose reputation as a good defender is grossly overstated (See the easy groundout he misplayed before Mike Pelfrey’s impulsion in Atlanta?). All of this is further compounded by the Mets’ shaky bullpen. I do not even remember the last time one of the supposed bullpen “stalwarts,” Duaner Sanchez, has pitched in a game, or the last time Aaron Heilman has not given up a game-winning hit.

Not only are the Mets not a championship team, but it’s pretty obvious they also lack championship talent. I would have trashed them more but I there is only so much I can write at one time. Just like most Met fans, I hate this team and do not see myself really liking it again for the remainder of the season. The only thing I would like from this team is change.

Because LaTroy “Spontaneous Combustion” Hawkins is pitching meaningful innings.

The Yankees were half way to answering my pleas for a 10 game winning streak. They could have inched closer had the bullpen not come in and sh*t themselves, causing Darrel Rasner to lose his first game in 5 or so starts. Perhaps if the Yanks remained focused, then they would be above .500 and not in last place, continuing this upside-down charade that has the Rays in first.

Maybe if Giambi didn’t try to be like Ron Jeremy with his gold thongs and his 70’s porn-star stache, but actually tried concentrating on baseball, we might be doing better than last place. It’s not just one guy’s fault, but when you’re the team juice-head and you’re supposed to see more pitches per at bat than almost everyone on your team (thereby allowing your teammates to see more pitches) it does leave a bad taste in your mouth, much like the one you get after seeing Lilo kiss that thing (I believe it was the rat-faced broad that is rumored to be her lover). Not for nothing, Tila Tequilla is a whore and bangs everyone on her show one right after the other… can’t her and Lohan get together to make a sex tape? I’d pay $9.95 for that… or illegally download it or just watch a free 30-second clip, because, let’s be honest, that would be all I’d need.

And it must be true, because the Daily News says so:

Troubled pop star Lindsay Lohan and her “best friend” were photographed kissing in Cannes Wednesday night. Did we mention her best friend is a girl? Lohan, 21, and DJ Samantha Ronson, 30, who have denied reports that they’re an item, cuddled, kissed and held hands at a party on P. Diddy’s yacht, Britain’s Daily Mail reports. The pals have been plagued for nearly a year with rumors that they’re in an intimate relationship.

Star magazine leaked suggestive MySpace e-mails and text messages last year that were allegedly sent from the “Mean Girls” actress to Ronson. Here’s a sample: “Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die. … I want to marry you.”

Is this really that shocking? I’m actually surprised it took this long for Lohan to start swinging the other way. She’s already been arrested for DWI, got addicted to coke, went to rehab, posed nude… she’s already a mega-slut and has probably racked up at least a handful of STDs, so really, what else was there left for her to do before she kills herself from a drug overdose at age 25? The LiLo lesbian sex tape will undoubtedly be her final act, which is fine, she can do that if she wants. But my big problem with that is why make everyone else suffer through seeing Sammy Ronson (Not Charlotte, her equally heinous, less sapphic-ally inclined sister. Always get those two mixed up. Yeah, I know who they are. Big woop, wanna fight about it?) engage in sex acts? I mean if you’re a sexy b*tch like Lohan, who can have any hot-as-hell, I-grew-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-and-have-major-issues-with-my-father-so-now-I’m-experimenting-with-lesbianism chick you want, why would you go ahead and link up with a disgusting, rat-faced hermit like Ronson??? Actually now that I think about it, that fits the Lohan mold too, so I shouldn’t be surprised by that either. I guess my only hope is this– Lindsay comes to her senses, pulls an Ellen DeGener-ate and does the humane thing by trading in her “Anne Heche” for a Portia de Rossi-type before she goes through with it. It’s the least she could do for all those poor adolescents who’ll shell out $9.95 a pop for the damn thing.

- Lou Pearlman, the evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world by poisoning every man, woman and child via the ears with his demonic creations, The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, was finally brought to justice (sort of). Pearlman was sentenced to 25 years in prison for releasing harmful, toxic garbage over the airwaves in an attempt to brainwash every female under the age of seventeen and direct them to terrorize all of America and eventually the world “Children of the Corn” style – which he came frighteningly close to achieving. Not really. He was actually sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding investors, including many friends, family members, and elderly retirees living off pensions over two decades. I’m not sure which is more offensive: forcing that trash he called music down our throats or persuading his friends and family to invest in two fake companies and bamboozling them out of hundreds of millions of dollars. Either way the guy is a true scumbag. Pearlman’s attorney argued that a 25 year sentence would amount to “a sentence to death” for the 53-year-old. Perhaps “a sentence to death” is exactly what he deserves for fleecing retirees out of their life savings, but in my opinion he deserves a death sentence for making superstars out of Nick Carter and JC Chasez (no, regrettably I did not have to look up their names, I actually remembered them – further proving my point that this Pearlman douche bag must pay). Part of his punishment should include nothing but N’Sync and Backstreet Boys songs played twenty hours a day in his cell for the duration of his sentence. Unfortunately The Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment.

- Some NFL veterans, including Titans center Kevin Mawae, are a little upset with the salary structure in the NFL I can’t say I blame them. Rookies are coming in and signing monstrous contracts without ever playing a professional down. Every year, first round rookie contracts get more outrageous and take up a larger chunk of a team’s salary cap space, which leads to non-superstar veterans’ salaries being squeezed. Why is it that the first pick in 2008 HAS to make a certain amount more than the first pick in 2007 (adjusted for position)? In a league with a salary cap in place, there is a finite size “pie” to be given out, and as rookies take a larger piece of the pie, there is less pie left over for proven veterans. Considering the number of high draft pick busts that are seen year in and year out, one would think the majority of salary money would go to guys that have proven themselves for a few years. Rookie Matt Ryan is guaranteed more money than Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, despite never throwing a pass in the NFL. Jake Long, who also has not played an NFL down, has more guaranteed money in his contract than Walter Jones. I hate going this long without making a joke to lighten things up, but there’s no joke to make. This situation is ridiculous and needs to be fixed. In the NFL more so than other professional league, proven players should be making substantially more money than veterans who have only proven themselves against college kids, not the other way around.

- The rocker David beat out the little gay one in the American Idol finale. That’s really all I know about it because I could care less about that dumb show, but apparently it’s a big deal.

- Word is Jason Taylor will be skipping all off-season workouts for the Dolphins, including training camp. Twinkle Toes will be missing a voluntary mini camp that begins Friday because he will be too busy doing publicity for “Dancing With The Stars.” In his ESPN the Magazine blog entry, Taylor wrote:

“I know what the reaction’s going to be: Oh, he’s the leader of that team, and he needs to be there,” Taylor wrote. “But, see, there’re different types of leadership in sports. There’re guys that can talk all the time, and try to lead by saying: ‘Oh, this is what we need to do, let’s go, rah, rah rah.’ They’re rah-rah guys.

“And then they’re guys, like me, who lead by example. And people are saying now, ‘Your example should be being there working out with the team.’ Well, at the end of the day, I will show up and I will do anything I need to do, and I will be the best football player I can be.”

In his own words Taylor “want(s) to win period, and I would love to win in Miami.” Well tell me Jason, as a guy who leads by example, how are you leading the Dolphins towards a championship by skipping practices to promote a television show that had you prancing around like Brian Boitano sans skates? You sure are setting a great example for the younger players by basically saying, “These off-season workouts are unnecessary. My time is much better spent doing publicity for a dancing show.” The Dolphins aren’t exactly coming off a Super Bowl season. They (you) were the worst team in the NFL. Every player on the team could use all the practice they can get. Maybe I’m insane for even thinking this, but even if you could not get any better as an individual player during these workouts, perhaps you could help out the younger players by teaching them and forcing them to practice against one of the best defensive linemen in football. Miami’s record last year is substantial proof that the whole team could use the work. But no Jason, it’s much more important to go on a publicity tour for a show on which you got your ass kicked by a figure skater. (Two figure skating references in one article – that HAS to be a record.) How dare Bill Parcells (who owns multiple Super Bowl rings) be upset with you for choosing a dancing show over off-season workouts. Clearly your team is primed to make a run at the title as is, no work needed. I hear ABC is currently casting for its new show that begins in August, “Eating Quiche, Sipping Cosmopolitans, Writing Poetry, and Getting Manicures While Weeping to ‘The Notebook’ With the Stars.” Why don’t you sign up for that? Who needs the preseason to get ready anyway? (By the way I had to look up how to spell Quiche)

Questions/Comments? Like Dancing with the Stars? (I’m in love with Julianne Hough and I don’t even watch that show) Think going on a dancing show isn’t fruity? Enjoy “The Notebook” and/or drinking cosmopolitans? Have something to add to my thorough American Idol wrap up? Currently trying to swindle your friends and family out of millions? Want to defend boy bands? Use the comment button below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com if you want some privacy.

Last night Jason Giambi was punched out on a very questionable call (Ken Singleton said it sounded like the ball hit something… yeah, the catcher’s mitt you ass wipe) and this prompted Joey G to come out and argue, and argue some more, and get tossed, and then argue even more and look like Billy Martin while doing it. An out later, Robinson Cano, mi primo, hit a game-winning single. Has there been a fire lit underneath the Yankees that is more than just a smoldering pile of kindling? I sure as hell hope so…

I’ve received plenty of emails the past few days asking for my opinion about Joba transitioning to the rotation, and I thought I made my thoughts on that pretty clear about a month ago. For those of you who missed it, here’s my blog from April 21st:

Alright so I’ve had some time to think about Hank’s little explosion today and here are my thoughts. First off, the guy has already managed to surpass his father in the pantheon of blowhards (which is no small feat in-and-of itself) and he’s just a racial epithet away from entering Marge Schott territory, which is quite the accomplishment considering he’s only been on the job for a little over six months. At this rate he’ll at least have a rule or two named after him when all is said and done.

“I want him [Joba Chamberlain] as a starter and so does everyone else, including him, and that is what we are working toward and we need him there now,” Steinbrenner told The New York Times. “There is no question about it, you don’t have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a set-up guy. You just don’t do that. You have to be an idiot to do that.”

But beyond that, starting pitching is the most crucial ingredient for winning a championship. We always hear the “Good starting pitching beats good hitting” spiel when the Yanks sh*t the bed in the first round every year, yet somehow everyone’s forgotten that here. And yeah, the stats bear out this reality out too– since 2000, EVERY SINGLE CHAMPION HAD AT LEAST 3 GUYS WITH DOUBLE-DIGIT WINS. And in the case of the ‘05 ChiSox, ‘04 Sox, and ‘03 Marlins, it took four double-digit winners. As it sits now, the Yanks will have just two of them (Chienny-Ming and Andy). I know it’s early, but I’m not exactly gonna hold my breath waiting to see if Moose, Hughes, or Kennedy make a run at 10 Ws. And everyone’s right– there’s no guarantee Joba will be nearly as effective as a starter when he can’t go balls to the wall on every pitch. But he’s got the best stuff on the entire staff, so why not give it a go, right?

Far be it from me to insult our readers, but there are plenty of you out there who have bought into the whole “closers are more valuable than starters” line of thinking, but I gotta be honest, only a complete jackass would believe that. Anyone who thinks it’s more important to have a dominant closer than a sure-fire ace clearly doesn’t understand the principles of commodities and assets, and you probably shouldn’t be asking that person for financial advice anytime soon either. There’s obviously no question that elite closers are the most valuable commodity in baseball simply because there are so few of them, hence the reason why Mo is making $15M a year to pitch one inning. But clearly good starting pitching is the most crucial asset of championship teams. I could rehash all the stats up there to prove it, but it’s probably better if you just ask yourself this question: how many World Series save opportunities has Mo had since all the Kevin Browns, Javy Vazquezes, Jaret Wrights, Carl Pavanos, Kei Igawas, the new (er, older) Moose, etc. showed up? The same number that you and I have, idiot. Put another way, there’s a reason why a genius like Theo Epstein wanted to convert Papel-boner back into a starter during Spring Training last year. Chew on that while Joba works his pitch count up for the next month or so…

Not in a million years does Torre wean himself off the Ambien and spark a game-winning rally by getting tossed in the bottom of the 9th like that. Can we please just go ahead and put #27 in Monument Park already? Thanks.

After a Yankees win like last night’s, maybe the tide is about to turn, or at least the ebb and flow of the game might help us drift out of last thanks to these developments:

Joba becomes a starter and his tenacity lasts 7 or so innings, firing up a team that has looked a little lackluster to say the least;

Rasner as a stopper? He has pitched 3 games and has been somewhat dominant in a rotation that has been bruised and battered (and regardless of the lack of hits, 6-plus runs or so a night is a b*tch to have to keep overcoming);

Hughes and Kennedy have been as useful as a blow up doll with no open orifices;

A-Rod…maybe that time off was useful…21 games worth. Maybe not, but if he just goes on a tear for the rest of the season, I won’t complain (until he plays like flung monkey poo in the playoffs);

Cano… he may be hitting just over .200, but considering where he was a month ago, I’ll take it;

I’ll also take a nice little 10 wins in a row as well…