Alright, let me just come out and say it: the Penguins scare the crap out of me. Not only do they have wunderkind Sidney Crosby running shizz, but I’m not even sure he’s the best player on his own team– to me, it’s the Pens’ leading goal scorer, Evgeni Malkin. Add Marian Hossa into the mix, and yeah, you can figure out why I’ve wanted no part of them for weeks now. But you know what? The Rangers are going to pull this thing off. Now I’m not entirely convinced that we’re gonna go all “1994″ on everyone this year, but this does remind me a lot of that championship season, particularly the part where the Blueshirts knocked off an arguably more talented, but greener, Devils team in the Conference Finals. Yeah, the Devils should’ve won that series at least 2 different times, but it was the Rangers’ guts and savvy (aka Mark Messier) that saved the day. Now 14 years later, it’ll be the likes of Jagr, Gomez, Drury, and Straka leading the more experienced Rangers in a matchup with the NHL’s darling up-and-comers. And sure, this isn’t the Conference Finals either, but it might as well be considering either the Rangers or Pens will streamroll whoever comes out of that Habs/Flyers series.

Beyond experience though, there are two main reasons why I’m going to go against my gut (how often does that work out?) and pick my boys: 1) We obviously have superior goaltending, which is the ultimate advantage to have in postseason hockey, and 2) We won the season series against the Pens 5-3 and, unlike in most other sports, head-to-head regular season records in the NHL are usually a pretty good indicator of how a playoff matchup will turn out– i.e. the Rangers went 7-0-1 against the Devils in the regular season and, well, we all know how that series went. Pick: Rangers in 7

This weekend is the NFL draft. It’s an exciting time for football fans, as it gives every team the chance to fill their most glaring holes and make a run at the postseason. The defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants (still feels great to write that) are not without their deficiencies. Although my friends and I will be sending my buddy Alvie off to Arizona with a day-long bar crawl on Saturday, I will try to remain lucid enough to follow the Giants’ first day in hopes that they will address their largest weaknesses so they can defend their title.

Safety is by far the biggest need for the Giants this year. Neither James Butler nor Michael Johnson is going to cut it at free safety. I would feel more comfortable with Don Johnson or the Butler Bulldogs’ mascot at safety. Cornerback and outside linebacker are their next largest needs. At corner Big Blue could be ok if Corey Webster plays like he did in the playoffs last season. However if he plays like he did at the beginning of the season they’ll need a lot of help. Either way, they could use some depth as Kevin Dockery, despite showing flashes of ability, has yet to fully prove himself and Sam Madison and RW McQuarters are straight old. At outside linebacker it’s a similar story. Gerris Wilkinson has shown signs of being able to handle a starting role, but has yet to show the consistency needed, while at the strong side, Mathias Kiwanuka looked confused making reads and was downright poor at pass coverage. He did, however, show some improvement from week to week until a broken leg ended his season.

The Giants are in the unenviable position of needing a safety in a year with a weak safety class. In fact, Scouts Inc. has safety rated as the weakest position in this year’s draft. If the Giants draft for need and get a safety in the first round, they will not be getting very good value. If they draft for value and wait to get a safety later, they could wind up with a big hole in their secondary. The general consensus is that the Giants will take Miami safety Kenny Phillips. I think he’s overrated and it would be a reach taking him in the first round. It may be in the Giants’ best interests to trade down a few slots and pick up an extra pick later on in what is a pretty deep draft overall. With a pick in the first half of the second round the Giants should still get one of the top two safeties in the draft (Phillips and Tyrell Johnson out of Arkansas St.) and could use the extra pick to address one of their depth issues at corner, wide receiver, defensive tackle, or offensive line. Here is a run down of some of the players the Giants could get in the first three rounds.

Safeties: Kenny Phillips (Miami): I’ve thought for a while now that he’s overrated and it seems now that NFL GMs and coaches are beginning to agree with me as he’s been sliding down draft boards lately. A lot of fans are calling him the next Ed Reed. Why? Because he happened to play the same position at Miami? I’m telling you right now, Kenny Phillips in no Ed Reed. Phillips is a great athlete, but he’s not quite the athlete Reed was coming out of the U, and Reed was more disciplined. Phillips makes a lot of false steps and misreads that get him out of position. In college he was able to use his speed and athleticism to recover from these mistakes, but the NFL is significantly faster and it is much more difficult to recover from false steps and misreads. At Miami, Phillips had a reputation of compromising the defensive scheme by being undisciplined and often being caught out of position. That is a KILLER mistake for a safety in the NFL. Word is Spags loves him though. I just hope that if the Giants use their first round pick on Phillips, Spags can teach him to stay disciplined and make the right reads.

Tyrell Johnson (Arkansas St.): I actually had Tyrell pretty even with Kenny Phillips early on and it now appears that the pros agree with me. This is good in that it provides evidence that I know what I’m talking about, but it’s bad in that I thought the Giants could get Johnson in the second round and now that looks less likely. Tyrell is an intelligent player and can be a leader in the secondary. He’s big and powerful and is a good tackler in space. He has good, but not great straight-line speed. I wonder about his agility change-of-direction ability to cover a quick receiver man up or in the deep third.

OLB: Jarod Mayo (Tennessee): This is the guy the Giants want. Although not likely, it is looking like a possibility that the Giants could nab him at 31. He has excellent size, speed, and athleticism. He locates the ball quickly and moves well laterally. He is an excellent run stopper and has proven to be more than adequate in pass coverage as well (both zone and man). Right now he is not very good at shedding blocks and still misses too many open-field tackles for a starting linebacker, but these are things that can be taught at the next level and his potential is phenomenal.

Dan Connor (Penn St.): Connor is physical, tough, aggressive, and disciplined. He has good speed and shows good lateral movement. Connor also does a good job keeping blockers off of him and is a very reliable tackler. He shows good ball skills but may not have the quickness or short burst to be truly effective in pass coverage. He could have trouble sticking with quick running backs. He has a tendency to play high which can cause him to get blown back against the run. He lacks the ideal quickness to change direction or turn and run. Connor has excellent natural instincts, but was an inside linebacker in college and is best suited to play middle linebacker in a 4-3 defense.
Tavares Gooden (Miami): Excellent athlete and a very good tackler. Has the skills to be good in coverage. His weaknesses are all correctable, but is he coachable enough and does he have the discipline to make the corrections? Could turn out to be an all pro, could also never see the field.

Xavier Adibi (Virginia Tech): Adibi is a good linebacker. He’s a good tackler and makes good reads, but he’s a little slow. He’s probably a safer pick than Gooden, but without nearly as much upside.

Corners: Brandon Flowers (Virginia Tech): I like Brandon Flowers, he does a lot of things very well. His combine 40 time was a little on the slow side, but his game speed is faster than the time would indicate. He is very quick with fluid hips and good change-of-direction in pass coverage and has shown great ball skills. He’s on the small side, but he has proven to be tough against the run.

There was a time when we thought Aqib Talib out of Kansas might be available at the end of the first round. That no longer looks very likely, however if he is still there he’s definitely ahead of Flowers, but not by as much as some would have you think.

Antoine Cason: Unfortunately Antoine won’t last until the Giants’ round 2 pick and he’d be a reach at 31, so in order to snag him the Giants would have to trade out of their first round pick and slide down into the first 10 slots of round 2, or pull the trigger on a Jeremy Shockey trade for a second round pick (more on that later). Cason is a tall corner who plays the ball well (so he’s the anti Corey Webster). He shows good speed and good footwork. Cason reads routes well and has displayed a good closing burst. Equally as important, word is that Cason is of high character and is a hard worker on and off the field. What keeps Cason from the first round is marginal open field tackling, stiff hips, and sub-par technique. His technique can certainly be improved, and if he can develop more fluid hips in the NFL, he could wind up being a steal in the second round.

Reggie Smith (Oklahoma): A big, strong, athletic corner. Has good agility and fluid hip movement. Very good open field tackler and sheds blocks well. He has average ball skills. Smith’s biggest negative is his lack of ideal top end speed. He doesn’t have the closing burst you like to see in a starting corner. He also has limited experience at corner and his technique shows it. Still, his size and athleticism are very good and technique can be taught.
Tyvon Branch (Connecticut): Great speed, quickness, and athleticism. He displays good fluidity in his hips, which, when combined with his quickness and speed means he can stay with NFL receivers in man coverage. Branch lacks instincts and doesn’t play the ball very well. He can bite on underneath routes leaving him susceptible to double moves. He needs to improve his tackling. His raw talent is undeniable and most of his negatives can be eliminated or minimized with good coaching at the next level, but the lack of instincts could prove to be a problem throughout his career.

Terrell Thomas (USC): Positives: Well-built, good top end speed, physical, good leadership skills and work ethic. Negatives: Injury concers, lacks fluidity in hips, below average ball skills, can be caught out of position. Bottom line: risky but tons of upside.

Later rounds:

Zach Bowman (Nebraska): Positives: excellent speed and size, good strength, good press technique, good ball skills, takes on blocks well. Negatives: Laundry list of injury troubles, lack of experience, can bite on double moves, a little stiff in the hips, needs to improve open field tackling.

WR: Donnie Avery (Houston): Wide receiver isn’t as pressing a need as safety, linebacker, or corner, but if this kid is still on the board when the Giants’ third round pick comes up he’ll be tough to pass on. He’s the electric home run threat the Giants passing game needs. At the Houston pro day he ran a 4.28 forty. When you combine that with a 6.3 three-cone and 3.91 twenty-yard shuffle (both of which substantially top everyone at the combine) you can see how Avery would be a perfect fit for the Giants’ number three receiver position. Avery is undersized and lacks ideal strength and also needs to improve his route running, but with his amazing speed and quickness he can be the player the Giants thought they were getting when they drafted Sinorice “I don’t deserve the last name” Moss in the second round two years ago. Unfortunately teams around the league are beginning to take notice of this kid, so although he was once considered a late third to fourth round pick, he may not last until the Giants pick at 95.

The draft plan: Although safety is the Giants’ most pressing need, if Jarod “don’t call me OJ” Mayo is available when their pick comes around they have to be salivating at the chance to grab a linebacker of his caliber. Then there’s still a decent chance Tyrell Johnson will be available for them in round two. If not, Reggie Smith or Tyvonn Branch should still be there. Either way, hopefully Donnie Avery will still be there in round three. If not, Terrell Thomas should still be there. If the Gaints go Mayo, Johnson, and Avery with the first three, Zach Bowman could be drafted with one of the Giants 3 sixth round picks and given a chance to surprise people.
If Mayo is off the board (and I suspect he will be), the Giants have to take the higher safety on their board – presumably Kenny Phillips. Hopefully he’ll prove me wrong and be a great safety in the NFL without providing locker room distractions. Then in round two I’d like to see the Giants take a shot with Tavares Gooden and go with either Donnie Avery or Terrell Thomas in round three.

The big talk among Giants fans is the possible dealing of Jeremy Shockey for a 2nd round pick (most likely to New Orleans). For the purposes of this article I will not take a position in the pro or anti trade camp, I will simply say that if such a trade goes down it makes the draft process significantly easier for the Giants. Suddenly they can address their three big issues within the first two rounds:

If Mayo is still there at 31, the Giants now HAVE to take him. Then they can come back with the 9th pick of the second round and get one of the two safeties. It’s possible they’ll both still be there, in which case they can grab Phillips, but at least one of them will definitely be there. Then with the 63rd pick they can come with Reggie Smith or Tyvonn Branch and then nab Donnie Avery in round three.
If my prayers are not answered and Mayo is off the board the Giants can get cute. They can draft Brandon Flowers at 31 if he’s available and then pick up one of the safeties at number 40. Then they can pick up Tavares Gooden with the 63rd pick and grab Avery in the 3rd. If Flowers is gone the Giants can pick up Phillips with 31, grab Antoine Cason with 40, and Gooden with 63.

After the draft the Giants had last year it’ll be tough to criticize anything Jerry Reese and Co. do this weekend, regardless of whether they follow any of the advice I laid out in this lengthy, well-researched article. Just please don’t draft another Ron Dayne.

Agree with me? Disagree with me? Leave your own thoughts on the draft below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com

On April 13th, David Ortiz had a batting average of .070, with 1 homerun and 3 RBIs. That same weekend, his jersey was dug out of its New Yankee Stadium grave in a pre-emptive attempt to thwart a curse. Well as of today, April 24th, Big Papi is hitting .188, has 3 homeruns and 18 RBIs. In a span of just 11 days he has more than doubled his batting average, dingers, and RBIs!

I had posted an article when the whole story of the jersey being uncovered came about and I cautioned the Yanks not to screw around with someone else’s bad joo-joo, but my warnings went unheeded. So it is now that I ask for good ol’ Hank to do something other than shoot off his soon-to-be turkey-necked pie hole and bid on the jersey, or just buy it outright from whomever has it, and put that thing back in the ground and hopefully bury Big Papi’s season before he continues to skyrocket out of this April funk.

And if all else fails, we might want to call on Jobu and see if he can help us out like he did Pedro Cerrano…

Dazzling effects, wizadry, and fantasy worlds… this is similar to Harry Potter to some degree, but differs in one great respect: our hero in this Story that Never Ends gets laid, or at least wants to. Sure, Atreyu isn’t actually seen nailing the princess, but after he defeats the Nothing and kills the wolf with a piece of stone that was laying near by, you better believe he’s having some hero sex. Meanwhile, Daniel Radcliffe says that he looked all night for this one chick, and yet, he can’t even nail Emma Watson (who is starting to fill quite out nicely I might add). It makes sense then that the only thing Potter can do is play with a wand.

Instead of searching for this girl who was “staring” at him the whole night (If a girl wants you that badly, she’ll approach you. It is genetically encoded in the female DNA to approach a guy with no problem, and shoot an approaching guy down with even less of a problem. Guys aren’t as lucky. Unless we’re hammered– and then we might be approaching you neh-ked, in which case if you run– then we’ll just go Will Ferrel style and streak through the quad.) maybe Radcliffe wants to get a hold of the lead singer who does the soundtrack for the Never Ending Story… they’d like each other.

Thank you Monnie D., for reminding me why the Never Ending Story kicks a$$, along with the rest of the 80’s!

Have a drink, Moose. You earned it with that bounce-back performance Wednesday night. No matter what Hank says, I’m down for letting you stay in the rotation, but you have to promise me one thing: can you just make sure you never pitch to Manny Ramirez again? Bean the guy, intentionally walk him, fake an injury, or do whatever else you’d like so long as the ball doesn’t get within 2-feet of home plate when Manny’s in the box, k? Thanks. Oh, and A-rod– take as long as you need, buddy. Seems like we found some of our pre-’04 magic ever since you pulled up lame half-way down the first base line in B-more…

I know it’s considered unprofessional for a publication to “out” someone without their consent, but I’m pretty sure any unwritten rules of journalism like that go out the window when the person in question does the dirty work for you. Well Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) came out of the closet this week and, surprisingly, no one’s noticed it yet:

Daniel Radcliffe, the British actor who plays the Hogwarts’ hero, fell under the spell of a “brilliant” Aussie, who vanished as if someone used the “Evanesco” spell before he could catch her name or get her number.
“There was one girl there, oh, my God, she had these eyes that just looked at me like she wanted to pounce on me,” a besotted Radcliffe, 18, told the Sydney Daily Telegraph…

“I do love girls, love talking to girls,” Radcliffe told The News. “But at this point … relationships would not be the best idea.”

Alright so most of you read that and said to yourself, “Yeah, Harry Potter’s a f#$king dork who lives with his parents and is too afraid to talk to chicks even though he’s a multi-millionaire– tell me something I don’t know.” But if you read between the lines, it becomes pretty obvious that Harry Potter is also a confused, post-pubescent (couldn’t tell by the looks of it, I know) actor struggling to come to grips with his affinity for male genitalia. Still don’t see it? K, well let’s pretend Harry’s one of your boys (you’re not aware of his little secret yet, obvi) and you’re all out at an exclusive party. Not surprisingly, there are a slew of hotties at this little soiree and they all want a piece of your crew because, DUH, you’re rolling with a movie star. Sure, it’s not quite a scene out of Entourage because Harry Potter sucks a$$, but he’s the only A-lister at this thing, so you guys are money. Anyway, you’re all pulling the hottest women this party has to offer… except for HP, which seems strange to you because he’s the movie star. The night goes on, you all bag enough digits to melt your SIM card, and most of you end up having a night cap. The next morning you’re all sharing wild stories over pancakes, french toast, bacon, eggs, and home-fries at the diner, and then HP chimes in, “Wow guys, that’s great and all, but listen to this– I stared at a girl that was hotter than any of the girls you guys hooked up with for five hours last night.”

“Damn Harry, you take her home?”

“No, um… uh… I actually lost her for a while, then spent… oh, I dunno… an hour looking for her, but I couldn’t find her so I gave up. But you shoulda seen it man, she was staring at me like she wanted to do something.”

“Oh yeah, like what, dude?”

“Hmmm, you know, the ‘I just wanna pounce on you’ look.”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure I know that one, buddy. Why didn’t you hit that then, man?”

“Umm… uhhh… ummm… I dunno guys, you know I LOVE girls… just love-love-love ‘em… love them so much that I could never, ever, ever, not-in-a-million-years be gay… but a relationship just isn’t the right thing for me right now.”

“Who said anything about a relationship, bro?”

Ok, now after that conversation was finished, what would the rest of you say the second Harry left to use the ladies, I mean, mens room? “Yo guys, you think Harry’s gay?” and then you’d all start looking around nervously trying to remember if he tried to come on to you last night. So yeah, sorry Harry, you’re not fooling any of us; we know what’s up. I mean if a guy like Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from Saved by the Bell) has his own sex tape, then there’s no way in hell we’re buying the whole “I met this beautiful girl but I have no idea where she went” excuse. You may be a dweeb, but no woman can resist a dweeb with a Black Card, let alone a famous one. So when you finally decide to end the charade and have your John Amaechi moment, just be sure to thank us for getting you started on the road to reality. In the meantime, feel free to set us up with all the hotties you reject if you’re so inclined.

Hello SC nation, remember me? Your favorite writer is back from a brief hiatus. Luckily I haven’t really missed much because A) As much as I enjoy playing hockey and watching it in person, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the NHL playoffs. B) I love basketball, but I find the NBA about as exciting as skin cancer and C) I love baseball, I love the Red Sox, but it’s tough to get emotionally invested in a game when you know there are 153 of them left to be played. (The MLB season is so ridiculously long that someone who knew absolutely nothing about baseball would probably think I was exaggerating there, but no, that is actually the case in April.) That being said, there are a few noteworthy items that I feel compelled to briefly comment on in a segment that may or may not become a regular thing for me and is tentatively titled, “what the hell are you supposed to be?”

Hank Steinbrenner is a f#&@ing clown: When it was announced that George’s son would be taking over for him, I made the mistake of taking this news seriously. I was completely unaware that this was just an elaborate Saturday Night Live skit where Darryl Hammond pretends to be George Steinbrenner’s son and does a caricature of George, ranting and raving more than George does in real life and making comically ludicrous comments. Well done SNL, you duped me. I do find the whole, “my daddy was rich enough to own his own baseball team, so that makes me more qualified to manage a baseball team than any of the professionals hired by my pops, and also makes me more knowledgeable than a man who spent fifteen years catching in the major leagues about handling pitchers” routine exceptionally humorous. And to top it off he called anyone who would not insert Joba into the starting rotation (insert the best GM in baseball to get zero respect from his owners and newly hired manager who happens to be a beloved ex-Yankee) an idiot. Truly high comedy. I rank this skit right up there with “More Cowbell.”

Speaking of Joba, while watching the Sox-Yanks on YES last week I saw a commercial for a show where Joba was interviewed with his father. I didn’t see the actual show, but in the commercial we saw Joba laughing at one point and he looked exactly like that kid in high school who wasn’t officially retarded but everyone knew he was straddling the line between “can pass as normal” and “should probably wear a hockey helmet at all times.” Every school had at least one of these kids right? Needless to say, I was delighted to see the new pride of the Yankees shown in this light.

Chad Johnson is a f$%^ing baby: Chad Johnson isn’t happy playing for the Bengals and having been the second highest paid receiver over the past three years. He is demanding that he be traded or he will sit out next season. I LOVE that Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have responded with, “Go ahead, sit out, we’ll be happy to save all that money.” I just hope the Bengals front office is solid enough to really see this through to the end and not bow to the pressure come September. The truth is, Chad is an overrated, overpaid, under-producing infant that needs to be coddled and throws a fit when Marvin Lewis has anything harsh to say about him. He’s been lucky enough to benefit from the talent around him on the Cincinnati offense and probably isn’t even the best receiver on his own team. I really do hope Chad has to sit out this entire season. Perhaps it will show him that he is NOT bigger than the team. Unfortunately though, it probably won’t.

Danica Patrick is a f*%&ing winner: In case you didn’t hear, Danica finally got her first IndyCar victory this past weekend in Japan, to which I responded, “They race Indy cars in Japan?” I am happy for Ms. Patrick. I thought all the criticism that was directed her way for not having won a race was a little unfair. I don’t know a lot about racing but I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of guys that never win a race at the top level. I will say I was pretty shocked to hear that she won though, because we all know how awful women are at driving.

MFH is f$&#ing lucky: I received a grand jury summons a few weeks ago, and it came as a total shock to me (though still not a shocking as a chick winning a driving competition) that for grand jury duty one must report twice a week for TWO MONTHS. Needless to say I was not interested in that. On the first day I had to report we were all herded into the court room and after a sleep-inducing speech by the lady in charge our juror numbers were put into a bingo-type device. There were about sixty people there to fill up 23 slots so odds were I wouldn’t get picked. And if the 23 who were selected all got season tickets to the Giants I would never have been selected, but since the 23 numbers that came up got jury duty, of course my number was pulled. Next came excuse time: “I have two kids with cancer and I need to take care of them.” “My son just tried to commit suicide.” “I have a medical condition where I can’t sit for an extended period of time, here’s a note from my doctor.” (Note from the doctor is always clutch. All you kids out there listen up, find the kid in your class most likely to become a doctor and become his/her best friend. Doctor’s notes can be key in so many situations: “Rob missed work, not because he was hungover, but he was actually sick again for the third Friday in a row.” “Adam will be missing the next week because of emergency surgery, not because it’s supposed to be 80 and sunny every day.” “The massages Matt has been getting are medically necessary and should be covered by his health insurance.” “Scott needs steroids because of a testosterone deficiency.” “Brian needs medical marijuana because of his unusually high anxiety.” You get the point.) So after all of these great excuses for not serving on the jury the lady asked, “Does anyone else have a problem serving?” I raised my hand because I DID have a problem. I had better things to do with my time. I mean it was two days a week for TWO MONTHS. So I boldly stated, “I don’t have a good excuse, it’s just a busy time at work right now and would be much easier for me if I could serve sometime in the future.” Well SC nation, you should have seen the look on the face of “suicidal kid guy” and “double cancer child lady” when the woman in charge replied with, “ok, what would be a better time?” Not only that, but I wasn’t almost killed by any crazy woman drivers on the way home. How’s that for luck?

Any women who want to take issue with my comments about their driving abilities (or lack thereof) can comment below or email me at mfh@subwaychatter.com

I’ll start worrying about the Penguins tomorrow. For now, I’ll just continue basking in the glory of being the 2008 Hudson River Champs.

If you’re about to turn 43 and you look like that in a two-piece, then yes, you’ve earned the right to be called the hottest cougar on the planet, regardless of whether it’s actually true or not. This picture got me thinking though– I know people are outraged by how Hollywood drives young girls to anorexia by promoting women who are rail-thin, but isn’t it a bigger crime to produce pics like this? I mean at least as far as the former goes, getting down to 90 lbs. is doable. But looking like Liz Hurley does after you’ve had a kid or two and are about 20 years removed from your last spring break? Yeah, that’s not happening. Anyways, Hugh Grant deserves to be shot, wherever he is…

CLICK HERE FOR MORE OF ELIZABETH HURLEY’S MANGO BIKINI LINE PICS!!!

Once again George Steinbrenner’s idiot son has proven that you don’t have to be smart to own a baseball team, you just need good… or I should say fortuitous… bloodlines. At this point in the season it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to move Joba out of the ‘pen when 1) there is no suitable replacement for him, and 2) with his innings limit at 150, he wouldn’t be able to finish the season as a starter anyway. The guy I feel sorry for in all this is Brian Cashman, because you know he must’ve wanted to punch Hank in the mouth, kick him in the balls and banish him from Yankee Stadium yesterday, and instead he had to go into work and do Hank’s bidding all day long. Seriously, think about it– if we were to use Hank’s logic, then why the hell aren’t we moving Kyle Farnsworth into the rotation, what with his 100-mile-per-hour fastball and all (thank God Hank isn’t the one making these decisions because then New York would have a baseball version of the Knicks as well)? All of this controversy could have been averted if George used a condom the night Hank was conceived. Or better yet, Stewie Griffin could have zapped Hank while he was a little sperm trying to swim upstream in his Dad’s balls. It’s one thing to be a passionate owner, but Hank’s lust for sticking Joba in the rotation is completely irrational. If he wanted an ace so badly he could have gotten Johan Santana over winter instead of playing patsy and not forcing the deal. Now all of a sudden he wants to pound his chest? Please. Let’s just hope Hank’s wife (does he have one?) is on the pill so this doesn’t happen ever again.

What started innocently enough as this…

Turned into this…

Now John McCain doesn’t deserve a whole lot of credit here considering he gave a little stump speech of his own, but kudos to him for not allowing his likeness to be body-slammed on Monday Night Raw. In the case of Hillary and Obama though, you gotta wonder if they watched this thing last night, or if they just took for granted that they wouldn’t be made total fools out of after they gave somewhat serious (well, at least as serious as you can get when you’re involved with the WWE) campaign speeches. I mean seriously, between Obama’s Dumbo ears and Hillary’s prudishness (or the “L” word, whichever you want to call it), they played up every single stereotype of these two. In fact, I was fully expecting Obama’s character to whip out a faux explosive device while “Hillary” staged a mock abortion, but I guess they decided to reign things in a bit. And sure, you and I aren’t going to vote based on what we saw there, but just from seeing an inordinate number of my high school classmates live for this stuff like you and I live for Opening Day, the NCAA Tournament, the Super Bowl, etc., I’m willing to bet there are a lot of people in Pennsylvania who are casting ballots for Hillary today just because “she” took down “Obama” in the ring. Hopefully, for Obama’s sake, that awesome “Barack Says” entrance music can help him salvage some votes.

One of the best Zeke “tribute” videos I’ve seen thus far…

Thanks to Hot Clicks for the link.

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, last Friday Donnie Walsh mercifully ended the Isiah Thomas era… but not before Zeke’s chapter in Knick history produced the worst 5-year stretch the organization had ever seen; he single-handedly (ok fine, with a little help from James Dolan) turned the New York Knicks into an NBA laughing stock. Still, even with Isiah banished from public view (unfortunately he is still on the Garden payroll), it’s still not safe to be a Knick fan. Donnie Walsh still has many more steps to take before we can all take the paper bags off our heads.

The next two decisions by Walsh will determine what direction the Knicks– and their fans– will take. First, Walsh has to hire a new GM to help rebuild the franchise. As we’ve seen from past mistakes Scott Layden and Isiah, both of whom proved inept in talent evaluation and their salary cap management, finding the right dude for the job won’t be as easy as it seems. Hopefully, Walsh hires someone in the mold of Brian Colangelo, someone who knows how to identify young talent and can build teams from the ground up. I’m not sold on Walsh being up to the task. Even though Donnie had a great run in Indy, the past 4 years or so the Pacers have been horrible and the Garden faithful won’t settle for him grooming a Larry Bird-type like he did over in Hicksville.

Second, Donnie has to hire a good coach. Again, that may seem like a given, but the Knicks haven’t had a good coach since Lenny Wilkens was fired (Editor’s note: was Wilkens even alive during his tenure? Just wondering). Most Knick fans will say that Jeff Van Gundy was the Knicks last good coach, but people forget that when Wilkens was fired he had a 40-41 record (Editor’s note: this is what the Knicks have reduced their fans to– a game under .500 is considered “good.” Have you no shame, James Dolan?). If Zeke had a similar record this year he probably would have gotten a lifetime contract from Jimmy Boy. And all of this is forgetting arguably Donnie’s biggest task– revamping the Knicks’ strength and conditioning program. Guys like Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph and Quentin Richardson (I won’t even mention Jerome James… wait… crap!) were woefully out of shape this season. The Knicks have clearly been the worst conditioned team in the NBA for a while now and half the roster has a$$es bigger than J-Lo’s.

Donnie, just please do something… ANYTHING, to make me want to even watch this team beyond opening night next year. After spending most of my life rooting for players like Charles Oakley, Patrick Ewing and John Starks, guys who played the game the right way, it’s a crying shame that these current Knicks are even allowed to play in the same building. Hopefully Donnie makes the right decisions and the Knicks have a little luck in the draft. Because right now, I feel about as safe being a Knick fan as Dick Cheney would living in Iran.

Alright so I’ve had some time to think about Hank’s little explosion today and here are my thoughts. First off, the guy has already managed to surpass his father in the pantheon of blowhards (which is no small feat in-and-of itself) and he’s just a racial epithet away from entering Marge Schott territory, which is quite the accomplishment considering he’s only been on the job for a little over six months. At this rate he’ll at least have a rule or two named after him when all is said and done.

What may be crazier than Hank himself, though, is that there’s a lot of merit to what he said. In case you’ve been marooned in a cubicle all day and have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s what Mt. Steinbrenner spewed this morning:

“I want him [Joba Chamberlain] as a starter and so does everyone else, including him, and that is what we are working toward and we need him there now,” Steinbrenner told The New York Times. “There is no question about it, you don’t have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a set-up guy. You just don’t do that. You have to be an idiot to do that.”

Alright, so I know I’m going against popular convention on this– at least as far as what I’ve seen in the media and on various blogs today– but Hank has a more-than-valid point: Joba should be in the Yankee rotation. The operative word there is “should,” but I’ll get back to that in a bit. Most everyone is coming at this from two viewpoints. The first train of thought is that elite relievers/closers (a large contingent of Yankee fans… alright, all Yankee fans, have pegged Joba as Mariano’s successor) are harder to come by than elite starting pitchers. There’s obviously no denying that. I could probably rattle off about 15 starters who have a legitimate shot at the Cy Young this year, but there are only four guys who make the opposition piss their pants at the end of games: Rivera, Papel-boner, K-rod, and Joe Nathan. So sure, Joba is probably in line to become one of those elite guys given his total dominance in a set-up role, and yeah, having a ridiculous, flame-throwing closer is a nice luxury to have. But the thing is, you don’t need one to win a World Series, which automatically makes Joba’s potential value as a starter much greater. Don’t believe me? How’s this– since 2000, these are the names of guys who have closed for World Champs:

2000: Rivera
2001: Byung-Hyung Kim (was the Yankees’ best player in games 4 and 5… even while wearing a D-back’s jersey)
2002: Troy Percival (wasn’t even the best reliever on his own team [K-rod was the set-up man])
2003: Braden Looper (my apologies to any Met fans who had a stroke while reading that)
2004: Keith Foulke (still trying to figure out how his arm remains attached to his body)
2005: Dustin Hermanson (don’t worry, no one else has heard of him either)
2006: Jason Isringhausen/Adam Wainwright (my apologies to any family members of Met fans who killed themselves after reading that)
2007: Papel-boner

So what did we learn from our little history lesson? You’ve got just as good a shot at winning the series with a potential Hall of Famer at the back-end of your ‘pen as you do with some guy who has a 5 ERA and craps his pants every time he comes in for a save. In other words, the Yanks can win it all with Kyle Farnsworth closing games every bit as much as they can with Mo coming in for the ninth. I know that sounds ludicrous, but it’s the truth. That being the case, why waste someone with Joba’s talent in a role that could just as easily be filled by Ross Ohlendorf? And that segways to the second line of faulty thinking…

Everyone’s comparing the Joba-Rivera duo to the Rivera-Wetteland combo that shortened games to six-inning (in some cases 5) affairs when the Yanks won the title in ‘96. Don’t feel bad, I’ve been guilty of it also. What people are forgetting, though, is that our top three starters that year were Andy Pettitte, David Cone, and Jimmy Key (not to mention Kenny Rogers and Doc Gooden, who, despite their flaws, won 12 and 11 games, respectively). So yeah, we had a ton of leads heading into the sixth inning thanks to those guys and, crazy as it may sound, it’s a whole lot easier to shorten games when you are, you know, WINNING. Not surprisingly, it’s pretty hard to do it when you’re trailing after five, and it’s near impossible when your starters don’t even make it through five, which is what we’re all finding out right now. Using Joba as a starter will obviously go a long way towards fixing this.

But beyond that, starting pitching is the most crucial ingredient for winning a championship. We always hear the “Good starting pitching beats good hitting” spiel when the Yanks sh*t the bed in the first round every year, yet somehow everyone’s forgotten that here. And yeah, the stats bear out this reality out too– since 2000, EVERY SINGLE CHAMPION HAD AT LEAST 3 GUYS WITH DOUBLE-DIGIT WINS. And in the case of the ‘05 ChiSox, ‘04 Sox, and ‘03 Marlins, it took four double-digit winners. As it sits now, the Yanks will have just two of them (Chienny-Ming and Andy). I know it’s early, but I’m not exactly gonna hold my breath waiting to see if Moose, Hughes, or Kennedy make a run at 10 Ws. And everyone’s right– there’s no guarantee Joba will be nearly as effective as a starter when he can’t go balls to the wall on every pitch. But he’s got the best stuff on the entire staff, so why not give it a go, right?

Unfortunately, here’s where the “should” thing comes in– this all would’ve been a fantastic idea had Joba been groomed to start from the outset of spring training. Trying to transition him now would take a long a$$ time, and with Boston already threatening to run away with the AL East like they did last year, I’m not sure we can afford to remove arguably our best pitcher from the roster completely, regardless of whether he’s prepping to become a starter or not. So yeah, as the saying goes, we made our bed…

My only real beef with what he said has to do with him calling someone who wouldn’t start Joba “an idiot.” I’m just gonna go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he was referring to Ca$hmoney, ’cause if he was talking about Joey-G, well then he’d clearly be in violation of the 28th amendment, which makes insulting #27 punishable by death.

My girlfriend and I were flipping back and forth between Mussina being Manny’s b*tch and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader last Thursday (nothing else was really on) and this woman was on it. Needless to say, any nakies that might have happened on the couch that night were shot to sh*t after seeing this woman. I posted this with the hope that maybe SC Nation can help settle an argument my girl and I were having– are this woman’s boobies real???

Now the top of her chest that is visible is flat and very muscular, more like a pectoral than what you would call a breast, but then she’s got these feedbags drooping somewhat near her midsection. I don’t think it’s physically possible for the top of a booby to look like hers, while then still actually having a booby! Please help end the debate!!!

And while we’re at it, we should possibly try and end steroid use among females… or promote it as a form of birth control…