I know it’s considered unprofessional for a publication to “out” someone without their consent, but I’m pretty sure any unwritten rules of journalism like that go out the window when the person in question does the dirty work for you. Well Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) came out of the closet this week and, surprisingly, no one’s noticed it yet:
Daniel Radcliffe, the British actor who plays the Hogwarts’ hero, fell under the spell of a “brilliant” Aussie, who vanished as if someone used the “Evanesco” spell before he could catch her name or get her number.
“There was one girl there, oh, my God, she had these eyes that just looked at me like she wanted to pounce on me,” a besotted Radcliffe, 18, told the Sydney Daily Telegraph…
Radcliffe said he met his dream girl in December backstage at the Australian Film Industry awards ceremony in Sydney. “She stared at me the whole night, and I was going to get her number, but then I couldn’t find her,” Radcliffe said. “I must have walked around that party for an hour trying to look for this girl, like some sad, pathetic dweeb.”…
In an interview in Sunday’s Daily News, Radcliffe, who still lives with his parents in London, said he’s too busy to settle down.
“I do love girls, love talking to girls,” Radcliffe told The News. “But at this point … relationships would not be the best idea.”
Alright so most of you read that and said to yourself, “Yeah, Harry Potter’s a f#$king dork who lives with his parents and is too afraid to talk to chicks even though he’s a multi-millionaire– tell me something I don’t know.” But if you read between the lines, it becomes pretty obvious that Harry Potter is also a confused, post-pubescent (couldn’t tell by the looks of it, I know) actor struggling to come to grips with his affinity for male genitalia. Still don’t see it? K, well let’s pretend Harry’s one of your boys (you’re not aware of his little secret yet, obvi) and you’re all out at an exclusive party. Not surprisingly, there are a slew of hotties at this little soiree and they all want a piece of your crew because, DUH, you’re rolling with a movie star. Sure, it’s not quite a scene out of Entourage because Harry Potter sucks a$$, but he’s the only A-lister at this thing, so you guys are money. Anyway, you’re all pulling the hottest women this party has to offer… except for HP, which seems strange to you because he’s the movie star. The night goes on, you all bag enough digits to melt your SIM card, and most of you end up having a night cap. The next morning you’re all sharing wild stories over pancakes, french toast, bacon, eggs, and home-fries at the diner, and then HP chimes in, “Wow guys, that’s great and all, but listen to this– I stared at a girl that was hotter than any of the girls you guys hooked up with for five hours last night.”
“Damn Harry, you take her home?”
“No, um… uh… I actually lost her for a while, then spent… oh, I dunno… an hour looking for her, but I couldn’t find her so I gave up. But you shoulda seen it man, she was staring at me like she wanted to do something.”
“Oh yeah, like what, dude?”
“Hmmm, you know, the ‘I just wanna pounce on you’ look.”
“Hmmm, I’m not sure I know that one, buddy. Why didn’t you hit that then, man?”
“Umm… uhhh… ummm… I dunno guys, you know I LOVE girls… just love-love-love ‘em… love them so much that I could never, ever, ever, not-in-a-million-years be gay… but a relationship just isn’t the right thing for me right now.”
“Who said anything about a relationship, bro?”
Ok, now after that conversation was finished, what would the rest of you say the second Harry left to use the ladies, I mean, mens room? “Yo guys, you think Harry’s gay?” and then you’d all start looking around nervously trying to remember if he tried to come on to you last night. So yeah, sorry Harry, you’re not fooling any of us; we know what’s up. I mean if a guy like Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from Saved by the Bell) has his own sex tape, then there’s no way in hell we’re buying the whole “I met this beautiful girl but I have no idea where she went” excuse. You may be a dweeb, but no woman can resist a dweeb with a Black Card, let alone a famous one. So when you finally decide to end the charade and have your John Amaechi moment, just be sure to thank us for getting you started on the road to reality. In the meantime, feel free to set us up with all the hotties you reject if you’re so inclined.
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