Behjota makes his debut: an open scribe to the Yanks

Dear Yankees,

I am a die-hard fan… and not one of those fans that have grown up expecting a championship every year. I didn’t jump on board until 2000-2001, when I moved to Boston for undergrad. I went to a BU-BC hockey game and was surrounded by “Yankees Suck” cheers. Then I went to a Celtics game, I think they played the Heat or something, “Yankees Suck” chants there too. Dave Matthews concert at the Fleet– “Yankees Suck.” T-shirts in downtown crossing– “Yankees Suck.” Hand my ID to a bouncer, “Hey man, you’re from NY? F*ck the Yankees, they suck.” Then the last straw… I walk out to my car in a garage near Fenway– all my windows smashed, with a nice “Yankees Suck” carved into the side of my shiny new Bimmer. Needless to say, from that point forward, I baptized myself as a Yankee fan for life.

That said… I still have some gripes with the Yanks which I need to get off my chest.

Jeter: I know you’re a god in NY, but I just don’t see it personally. Having missed seeing you play before 2000, I hear you were at one point a pretty clutch player. Why then do you ground out to short-stop at least twice a game, usually for an inning-ending double play? Oh and while people were hating on A-rod for four years, you were avoiding the microscope by riding on your pre-2000 contributions. Hitting two spots in front of A-rod allows your soft grounders to short to be forgotten while A-rod blasts one to the warning track and gets vilified. Without your out, maybe he wouldn’t have to swing for the fences and single-handedly carry the Yankees to the playoffs. Call me when you get one outta the infield.

Matsui: So, not only do you no longer hit for power but you’re a terrible fielder, have no arm and don’t run-out fly-balls and grounders (Editor’s note: and you’ve apparently got an anime fetish). Thanks for coming to America, getting rich and living pretty… now just go home.

Moose: Please retire… make way for someone who can throw a fastball over 84MPH and has a curveball with some movement. At this point I’d rather have Pavano up on the mound. Um actually, wait, no forget I said that. Anyway, Moose, you’re done… and whether Clemens juiced or not, the moment you talked smack about him and then went out on the mound and let up 7-runs in 3 innings is the moment you should have been kicked out of NY.

Pettitte: Regardless of whether or not Clemens actually did steroids (as we are all pretty much sure he did at this point) you ratted him out– your best friend, teammate, and workout buddy. The reason he still demands and has the respect of most (especially amongst other players) is because he is taking the fall for the hundreds of players who have juiced before him. The reason you don’t have respect is because you threw everyone under the bus. At least Clemens kept it all to his wife, who benefited from him doing them by being able to shop and get as much plastic surgery as she wanted. Keeping your husband’s dark secrets in exchange for living the dream? Sounds like a fair trade to me.

Giambi: Thanks for playing, you tried. You came back from the “parasites,” (aka quitting roids) and played well, but that was a few years ago now and your time has passed. Please make way for someone with defensive ability and a higher BA than .220 or whatever you’re hitting these days (Shelley).

Damon: Looks like the Sox early-to-mid-30s viewpoint on players holds some weight after all, huh?

Abreu: Seriously dude… why not grab the bat like a man, instead of some 80-year-old English bitch at tea-time? Clamp those pinkies down and take a few rips like our old right fielder (Sheff). Just a suggestion.

Also… I know the Yanks are known as a patient team at the plate, but I think at this point the word is out… anyone who watched the Toronto series and has half a brain can figure out that pitchers lob two fastballs over the middle of plate to go up 0-2 while the Yanks batters battle back just to strike out on a 2-2 count, or barely get the ball in play. How about putting some of those first-pitch beach-balls outta the park?

I am pleased with a few of you, though…
Girardi: THANK YOU! It’s refreshing to see a manager awake and paying attention to the game. It was gut-wrenching watching Torre sit in the dugout in a catatonic state. It’s also great to know that if Posada or Molina go down, you’ve stayed in good enough shape to throw on the mask and get back there yourself. Shake things up a bit, get guys in shape, play some small ball and utilize the youth like you did in Florida. Looks like the Yanks have a bright future with you at the helm.

I also want to thank Jorge for turning in some of the best years a catcher can have so late in his career and also the likes of Joba, Cano, Hughes, Melk, and A-rod for giving me something to watch and cheer for. Let’s all hope that Kennedy is legit and just as lights-out tonight as Hughes was last night. Speaking of last night, how about Hughes… I mean the kid was dealing and what happens? Our Gold Gloves all go bronze and the bats go limp… gonna be a long year averaging 2.5 runs a game even if our young pitchers are money.

As a side note… Joba… fist pump all you want… and if you want to get a team of cheerleaders to stand outside the dugout and do a pyramid after every pitch, that would be fine with me too. At least you have some personality and a game to back it up.

Sincerely,

Behjota

PS– Red Sox Suck!!!