Last night I watched the Braves play the Nationals; it was more out of necessity than curiosity– Hudson and Texiera are on my fantasy team. While it wasn’t the most spectacular Opening Day game I’ve ever seen, it certainly wasn’t the worst. I can appreciate the Braves. They were the Yankees’ competition for being named Sports Illustrated’s Team of the Century almost a decade ago. However, the Braves were the equivalent of the “Boy-do-I-Love-Losing-Superbowls” Bills, save the one World Series victory they pulled off in 1995.

Back to the present day, I saw why the Braves have been declared a contender this season, with a pitching staff that’s finally come around and a team that’s getting back to basics. I also got a cold chill down my spine with a revelation that the baseball gods may have a twisted sense of humor this season. The Braves have two starters who are older than almost 2/3 of their teammates and may need to be wheeled out to the mound in a wheelchair (Smoltz and Glavine). But here is where the chill came in– what if they have one more ridiculous season, making their careers come full circle?

The sick sense of humor comes into play with the Yankees having doled out ridiculous contracts for under-performing, aging ball players who weren’t worth the paper their cards are printed on (Caveat: their worth as measured by their stay with the Yankees; I will not trash an entire career because of a few poor seasons, no matter how pissed off I may be). Randy Johnson, 6′+ and no where near 20 wins; Kevin Brown’s best throw was against the clubhouse wall that broke his hand; Al Leiter was the Mets’ sloppy-seconds, and the list could go on-and-on. Now picture the Braves having the same situation with aging players on their roster and then having them NOT be huge disappointments.

This possibility is why I love baseball and why I cannot wait to see how the season progresses, and if the careers of Smoltz and Glavine are to come full circle with a World Series appearance, who better to face than the Yankees?

Floyd “I’ll Do Anythinmg For Money” Mayweather was apparently worth every penny that Vince McMahon spent to promote this fight and to get the undefeated boxer in the ring with a legitimate giant of a man. The fight was a little bit of a drag until Floyd started using a chair and brass knuckles and survived getting thrown around like a prom dress getting ripped off and tossed aside in a hotel room.

This isn’t the first time an athlete has stepped through the ropes of the squared circle; WM I had Ali, WM II had Dick Butkus and Joe Frazier, WM X had Pete Rose (who also appeared at WM XIV, and WM 2000), WM XI had LT and Reggie White, WM XIV had Tyson, and WM XV had Butterbean. All of these athletes (towards the later WMs) had a fat check at the end of their night and had tons of publicity. Whether it was positive or negative is irrelevant; any type of publicity is good publicity.

Mayweather will now be immortalized as the underdog who chopped down the Big Show, solidifying his place in the hearts of wrestling fans all over, be it because they do not like the Big Show, or because they respect his tenacity, his fight, his dedication, or (what they really should respect) his acting. The likes of Ali, Frazier, and Butkus were ambassadors for a growing phenomenon and were at Wrestle Mania because they were sports icons. Unfortunately, their names are now listed with people who demand 7-figure checks just to wave at the fans and take some pictures, and dance around the ring.

No disrespect to Vince McMahon’s genius for making a profit, but sometimes the cost of that profit is having people who used to watch wrestling as a kid and followed the story lines as if we were middle-aged women eating Bon-Bons watching Days of Our Lives become annoyed at the sh*t-show that has become the WWE.

Now, with all that said, I will continue to watch it because it’s actually funny how ridiculous the plots have become… and the Divas, well they could all get it, and by get it, I mean they are worthy of sleeping with, and by sleeping with, I mean having them get nakies, and by nakies, I mean intercourse, and by intercourse…you get the picture

I know what my calendar says, and I know what my 8th-grade Earth Science teacher kept trying to convince me of, but I don’t care– March 21st (or 22nd or 23rd) is not, I repeat not, the first day of Spring. Nope, winter officially comes to an end today or tomorrow (or yesterday if you’re a Braves or Nationals fan… and btw, what a way to open the season last night, no?) when the Yanks, and all of SC Nation’s respective favorite teams, take to the field for the ‘08 season. And, because we are the loud, obnoxious sports fans that we are here at Subway Chatter, there’s only one way to ring in the new baseball year, and that’s by telling you who’ll be doing all the winning and losing from here to October.

Before I get into my predictions for this year’s American League (be sure to check out Chuck Wipple’s NL Preview), I just wanted to take this opportunity to point out a couple of stats I dug up (without the help of the Elias Sports Bureau, thank you very much) that colored my view of what will go down in this year’s Junior Circuit: 1) Since 1996, only 5 teams have repeated as champions in their respective division– the ‘98-’06 Yankees, the ‘04-’05 Angels, the ‘02-’04 Twins, the ‘02-’03 A’s, and the ‘96-’99 Indians; 2) If you paid attention to the yearly trends there (aka the Yanks’ run of dominance interspersed with some other team’s more modest string of titles), you realize that there was a repeat division-winner in every season since ‘96… UNTIL last year, when NO team repeated as division champ (the Yankees appeared in both the ‘06 and ‘07 playoffs, but did so as the Wild Card participant last year as opposed to the Division Champion status they held for 9-straight seasons prior). So what do all these numbers mean? Basically, unless you enjoy ridiculous success like the Yanks have for the past decade-plus, it’s pretty freakin’ hard to win a division two-times in a row, let alone once. And, if there’s any game that remains true to its statistical underpinnings, it’s baseball. In other words, don’t count on the Sox, Indians, and Angels repeating as division champs. Here’s how I see everything else shaking out…

AL EAST
Yankees 96-66
Red Sox 94-68*
Blue Jays 84-78
Rays 81-81
Orioles 52-110
*– Wild Card

I know people are all chomping at the bit to write off the Yankees this year, but the fact remains that they still have the game’s best offense (I still think it’s a notch above Detroit’s), and with the subtraction of Roger Clemens and the additions of Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy, their rotation is considerably better. Plus, if Cashman and Girardi have half a brain (we at least know Girardi does), they’ll leave Joba in the ‘pen to set up for Mo, and it’ll be “Rivera & Wetteland” all over again… not to mention it’ll go a long way towards keeping Hughes and Kennedy right around 150-innings when they only have to go 5-and-2/3rds each time out. Now I’m not saying the young-uns won’t have their growing pains, but they can afford to when you’ve got guys like A-rod, Cano, Abreu, Jeter, and Posada lighting up scoreboards around the league. Plus, let’s be honest– if the Yanks didn’t fall behind by 14.5 last year, they would’ve won their 10th-straight division crown and people would be talking about them as World Series favorites again. With Joey-G at the helm, they’ll be a lot faster out of the gate this time around. As far as the Sox go, I just don’t see them being as consistently great this season as they were last year, though that’s not to say they won’t win the title again when everything’s said and done. They’ll miss Schilling in their rotation and clubhouse, and it seems to be lost on most that they’re relying heavily on two guys– Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz– who have just as much big-league experience as Hughes and Kennedy. If you want to write off the Yanks because of their youthful rotation, you can’t then go ahead and ignore it when the Sox enter the conversation. Still, based on talent alone, I expect both teams to be a factor come October. Oh right, there are other teams in this division– I like what J.P. Riccardi and Co. are doing north of the border, but after Scott Rolen misses his customary 20 - 60 games and A.J. Burnett visits the DL once, maybe twice, they’ll remember just how hard it is to compete with the Yanks and Sox. The Rays look good. Not playoff good, but .500 good. Which, for them, will be considered a monumental step forward. The Orioles? Most of their fans were at the Nats’ season opener last night and, considering the success (or lack thereof) that franchise has had since moving from Montreal, the fact that they’re already stealing fans tells you all you need to know about the sorry state of baseball in B-more.

AL CENTRAL
Tigers 97-65
Indians 90-72
White Sox 82-80
Twins 73-89
Royals 70-92

Most of the “experts” are trying too hard to find flaws with the Tigers. The main blemish they point to is their bullpen, which, admittedly, won’t be their strong suit so long as Fernando Rodney and Joel Zumaya aren’t available to protect Todd Jones from himself. Still, when was the last time the Yanks’ crappy bullpen cost them a playoff spot? Exactly. Sometimes, it really is as simple as having a ridiculous, 900-plus-run-scoring-offense and a Cy Young candidate (Justin Verlander) when it comes to winning your division. The big shocker here, though, are the Indians missing the playoffs. There’s no question they’ll be among the league’s elite come September, but I think they’re going to have a tough time bouncing back from that ludicrous choke job in the ALCS, which will lead to a sloooowwww start (i.e. ‘07 Yankees slow). But, unlike last year, there won’t be any weak-links at the top of the standings to fall back to the pack and hand the Indians a playoff spot. I know a lot of people like the ChiSox, but I’m not sure why. Their pitching is mediocre, their offense worse, and I just don’t see how they can even hold a candle to the Tigers and Indians. Minnesota won’t be as terrible as advertised, but when “terrible” means 65-wins, then it’s not time to get your hopes up either. There’s still a baseball team in Kansas City?

AL WEST
Mariners 93-69
Angels 90-72
A’s 74-88
Rangers 66-96

The Mariners are the American League’s version of the D-backs– they won’t hit much as much as you’d like them to, but they’ll pitch the sh*t out of the ball so it won’t matter. That said, they almost scored 800 runs last year, which is nothing to scoff at, and they added Erik Bedard to a rotation that already features Felix Hernandez. If pitching wins championships, it sure as hell will win this division. Speaking of which, the Angels’ rotation is pretty filthy in its own right, and it’s hard not to like them after they added Tori Hunter to protect Vlady Daddy in the lineup. The big concern here, though, is injured ace John Lackey, who’s on the DL until at least May with a right-triceps strain. Anytime you injure your pitching arm, it’s not a good thing… and, well, if I’m an Angels fan and I hear Lackey saying this: “I’m feeling better. I can brush my teeth with my right hand; I couldn’t do that a week ago,” then I’m starting to freak out just a little bit. The rest of the division doesn’t deserve mention, but here goes– Oaktown is rebuilding. If Rich Harden gives them 30 starts (highly unlikely), pencil them in for at least 5 more wins. Texas? A-rod will almost certainly eclipse Hank Aaron’s home run mark (hopefully someone will have the guts to strike Barry Bonds’ mark from the record books by the time A-rod gets close), but his biggest accomplishment might be single-handedly destroying the entire Rangers franchise. They’re still suffering the consequences of giving him almost a quarter billion dollars and then having to subsidize the Yankees for four years just to get him off their hands, and there’s no end in sight.

ALDS
Tigers over Red Sox
Yankees over Mariners

WORLD SERIES
D-backs over Tigers

PS– Just so you all know where I’m getting the D-backs in the World Series from (and so I can get my NL picks on the record for added bragging rights), here’s how I see the NL playoffs breaking down: Braves (East); Cubs (Central); D-backs (West); Mets (Wild Card). NLDS: D-Backs over Mets; Braves over Cubs. NLCS: D-backs over Braves.

Once again it is the start of a new baseball season and once again the American League is better than the National League (actually, the American League is way better). Although the Yankees, Tigers, Red Sox, Indians, and probably half of the AL would be considered favorites to win the pennant in the Senior Circuit, the National League still has some good teams, probably 3 that can compete with the big boys from the AL. Still, I predict that at least one team from the NL will make history (and not in a good way) as one of either the Marlins, Giants, or Pirates will set the record for the most losses in a season. Anyway, here goes my preview of baseball’s JV league…

NL EAST
Mets 94-68
Braves 88-74
Phillies 88-74
Nationals 68-94
Marlins 33-129

This division is among the worst in baseball as both the Marlins and Nationals suck ass and the rest of the teams in the division all have potentially fatal flaws that can ruin their respective seasons. The Mets appear to be the class of the division. They have the best pitcher in baseball and potentially the deepest pitching staff in the East. Unfortunately, the Mets have maybe the thinnest farm system in the NL behind the Pirates and absolutely cannot afford significant injuries (Freakin’ Moises Alou. Have I mentioned how much I hate the Lastings Milledge trade? K, just checking.). The Braves’ season hinges on the reliability of their rotation as they have the most lethal everyday lineup in the NL behind the Rockies, and good starting pitching is no sure thing when your staff features two guys in their 40s (Smoltz already is hurting) and Mike Hampton (who hasn’t pitched in like 3 seasons and already has a groin problem). Taking all that into account, it’s tough to imagine them winning the division. Meanwhile, the Phillies are the defending division champs, but with that pitching staff (as you might have heard, pitching is pretty important), they are not going to win 90 games this season. This division is the Mets to lose… er, choke away.

NL CENTRAL
Cubs 90-72
Brewers 88-74
Reds 86-76
Astros 80-82
Cardinals 70-92
Pirates 33- 129

Speaking of choking, it seems like the only way the Cubs don’t win this division is through some sort of divine intervention (wouldn’t be the first time) because they are hands-down the class of the Central. Other than the Brewers and the Reds, everyone else is mediocre to beyond-horrible. If Albert Puljos’ elbow falls apart and Rick Ankiel proves to be a bust, then the Cardinals will join the race for the worst record in baseball as half of their starting pitchers are on the 60- day DL. The Astros, even with the addition of Miguel Tejada, will find it hard to crack the 80-win mark. The Brewers have a chance to make a run this season if their young team continues to mature, but I don’t think Eric Gange is the answer at closer. It seems like the Reds finally have some pitching to go with their offense but alas, like most teams in baseball, they don’t have enough of it to make the postseason.

NL West
Diamondbacks 92-70
Rockies 90-72*
Dodgers 88-74
Padres 88-74
Giants 33-129
*– Wild Card

The West seems like it’s going to be wild again this season. It is, without question, the best division in baseball; four of its teams are capable of making the postseason and winning the World Series. The Diamondbacks have to be considered the frontrunners with their formidable pitching staff led by Brandon Webb and Dan Haren. Combined with their ever-improving young position players, the D-backs have a strong chance to represent the NL in the World Series. The Rockies boast the best lineup in the NL and if their pitching holds up like it did last year, they’ll once again be dangerous (though, if I’m them, I’m not banking on winning 20-plus games in a row again). Sorry, Joe Torre, your postseason streak will end at 13. The Dodgers are talented, but they are equally dysfunctional. The Padres always seem to be in the thick of things thanks to their pitching, but their lack of offense in that Grand Canyon of a ballpark will always be their Achilles’ heel. Ah yes, the Giants– with no Barry Bonds, baseball’s G-men are going to see how dedicated their fan base is because there’s going to be plenty of losing to go around (Side note: Does Barry Zito’s contract go down as the worst handed out this century, even when compared to Carl Pavano’s?).

NLDS
Rockies over Mets, 3-2 (Willie Randolph bites the dust)
Diamondbacks over Cubs, 3-1

NLCS
Diamondbacks over Rockies, 4-2

Jeets + A-rod + Joey-G = the reason why I like us in the AL East this year. Wanna know more about what we here at SC think will happen in ‘08? Check back tomorrow for our expanded (and at the same time concise, ’cause honestly, we really don’t expect you to be spending too much time reading our previews, what with the 25,000 baseball games that’ll be on tomorrow) prognostications.

And oh yeah, keep the votes coming in the 2008 Tournament of Hotties Regional Finals. Polls stay open until 12AM PST Tuesday!!!

Yup, that’s the exact same expression I’d have on my face if I were in Miami right now.

Yes, SC Nation, the Regional Finals of the 2008 Tournament of Hotties have arrived! Unfortunately, there were no Stephen Curry-like performances to speak of in the Sexy 16. The closest thing we had to a Davidson– 13th-ranked Candice Hillebrand– was outfoxed by America’s hottest living jinx, Jessica Simpson, in the Music Region. And 6th-ranked Shakira– who was apparently riding a massive wave of support from guys in their mid-20s who still believe Shakira’s hips don’t lie (hi-yo!)– finally ran out of gas against country cutie Carrie Underwood. And yes, you’re reading that right– it’s gonna be Tony (H)omo’s GF and Ex duking it out to see who’ll be moving on to the Foxy 4!!! Not surprisingly, the other matchups are just as good, with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel squaring off in the Movie Region, while Hayden Panettiere and Stacey Keibler vie for the title of hottest hottie in the TV Region. The matchup of the Tournament thus far is in the Modeling Region though, where Alessandra Ambrosio and Marisa Miller will meet in a contest that could just as easily double as the Championship Game for the Tournament of Hotties. Alright, enough previewing… (though check out MFH’s breakdown of the Sexy 16 ’cause it’s better than this one) it’s time to vote!!! Regional Finals polls will stay open until 12AM Tuesday.

VISIT THE MOVIE REGION…

VISIT THE TV REGION…

VISIT THE MUSIC REGION…

VISIT THE MODELING REGION…

Sometimes it seems like I am the only Met fan on this site. Alright, fine— maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but I think SC Nation is slightly skewed towards the Yankees. I dunno, maybe it’s the lack of Mets-related articles (I checked and I think the Mets section of the site should be renamed after Chuck Wipple), or just plain absence of enthusiasm for my boys from Queens. Sure, the Yankees have more World Series rings and star players, but so what? That doesn’t mean the Yankees are better. Actually, this year I can make a legitimate argument that the Mets have a better team than the Yankees (ok, the Yankees are probably still better, but we definitely have the better pitching staff). Even though half of the Met roster should be collecting social security checks, we have some of the game’s best players— Jose Reyes, David Wright, Johan Santana and Carlos Beltran— and they are actually approaching/in their primes. I guess what I am trying to say is: my boys from Shea deserve some love too (and their own countdown).

I know Jessica Biel is hot, but I was holding out hope that Elisha Cuthbert (the future Mrs. MFH if Julianne Hough turns me down) had enough to take her down. Have you all seen The Girl Next Door? At least I did a good job seeding the movie region with the 1 and 2 seeds meeting in the regional final.

I can’t say I’m too surprised with the results of the TV Region, although I did think Vanessa Marcil – who got my vote – would squeak out a win over Stacey Keibler. Let’s face it though, Keibler had a huge height advantage (almost a foot) and that is just too difficult to overcome. Also, being one of the older competitors in this competition, I think Marcil, whom I was hoping to run into while I was in Vegas (did you know the Montecito isn’t a real hotel?), just ran out of gas.

It wasn’t tough to predict that Jessica Simpson would be a powerhouse in the Music Region – the weakest region in this year’s tourney. I was a little surprised by Shakira’s run through the first two rounds, and I’m pleasantly surprised that Carrie Underwood has what it takes to make the erotic 8 (or erection 8, what did we finally settle on?). I do expect Simpson to win the battle of “Tony Romo’s been there” by a fairly substantial margin. Either way I’d like to beat the hell out of Tony Romo just because he has such a better life than I do.

The strongest region this year has definitely been the Modeling Region. I knew Giselle was ripe for an upset and this was the round I was looking for it to happen. Let’s face it, Alessandra Ambrosio deserved better than a 5 seed (someone should have words with the committee over that dropped ball). She has to be the strongest 5 seed ever to partake in a 64 or 65 member tournament. I saw her making the regional final from the beginning and she has not disappointed, with three super strong performances. It’s rare to see a one seed get spanked like Giselle did in the Sexy 16 (yes I did just make reference to Giselle getting spanked). Speaking of spankings, I knew Marissa Miller was tough, but I thought Adriana Lima would put up a little more of a fight than she did. This was really not her best showing, I know she has more in her. This regional final is going to be a dog fight…er, cat fight. My money is on Double-A in a tight one.

Wait, did you think I meant thoughts on the NCAA tournament? I guess I can give you a few of those as well:

I love the way West Virginia plays basketball and I am a fan of Joe Alexander. The kid can flat out play. He actually reminds me of myself in my younger days, except I didn’t have the spring he has (however I would have made the free throw at the end of regulation to put them up one). Even though I had Xavier moving on in my bracket I was really rooting for WVU, mainly because I’d love to see those animals that attend West Virginia burn down half the campus in celebration if they went to the Final Four. This West Virginia-Xavier game was a great game, the kind of game you expect to see in the sweet 16. Unfortunately, this was really the only one this time around.

Western Kentucky hung in with UCLA for a while, which certainly was a surprise to me. They got down big and then came back to make it a game, but you never really got the feeling they actually had a shot to win. By the time there were two minutes left, UCLA was up ten and I was wishing I hadn’t stayed up until 12:30. UCLA looks vulnerable, but I think they match up pretty well against Xavier and they should stroll into the Final Four.

Carolina-Washington St. went exactly as I expected. Wazu kept Carolina’s score low, but failed to score more points than my fifth grade team (Editor’s note: we won the league championship that year, for the record) used to score and got blown out.

Tennessee looked bad in their loss to Louisville. They looked like a compilation of very gifted athletes with very little basketball intelligence. I really like Bruce Pearl. I think he did a good job with UW Milwaukee. He has a good sense of humor about himself and he obviously has a great passion for the sport and for his school. So it pains me to say this: Bruce Pearl may not be that great a coach. If you watched the game against Louisville you saw a very talented streetball team take on the Cardinals, who are coached by one of the best in college basketball. I was baffled as Tennessee constantly looked out of control trying to force themselves into the lane while throwing up blind, acrobatic shots that might go in 2 out of 10 times. Any good coach would have calmed them down and forced them to run an offense. Instead, they continued to look like an And-1 mixtape squad right through to the end of the game. You would think after four straight times rushing down the floor and wildly going at the basket 1 on 3, only to come up empty, an adjustment would have been made. But inexplicably there was no adjustment, and so predictably Louisville ran away with the game. Unfortunately for the ‘Ville, Carolina is well-coached, with more talent than Tennessee.

The Friday games were all blowouts, so there isn’t much to say. How about Davidson though? Stephen Curry is one hell of a player. If I had known he was this good before the tourney began, I would have picked them to go to the elite 8 in my pools rather than having them fall to Wisconsin in the Sweet 16. The kid (and the team) is truly a treat to watch. Too bad for them, they have to play Kansas on Sunday. Kansas is no Wisconsin or Georgetown; the Jayhawks will definitely put points up on Davidson. That said, despite having Kansas winning the whole thing, I would love to see Davidson pull a George Mason. However, I think they get beat by close to 20 on Sunday.

And now time for a little bragging:
Heading into this round I was in the 96.4 percentile on ESPN because of my uncanny ability to pick winners. I didn’t go upset crazy just so I could brag about picking San Diego (which I did not) and Siena (which I did) both right, while at the same time picking ten other upsets that never materialized. I have seven out of the eight Elite 8 teams correct and all my Final Four teams still alive. I hope you’ll keep this in mind next year when you think about ignoring my advice like some of those suckers out in Vegas did when I pushed Siena, Kansas St, and Davidson in the first round and West Virginia in the second round (which sadly I could not, as a Duke fan, put my own money behind).

Leave your own thoughts on either tourney in the comments section down below. Or email me with thoughts, ridicule, praise, or the addresses of any of our Tournament of Hotties competitors at mfh@subwaychatter.com

Another tournament game, another 30-plus-point performance for Dell’s boy, which begs the question– if Davidson fails to knock off Kansas… or UNC… or anyone else between now and San Antonio, will Curry be the first guy to be named the Tournament’s Most Outstanding Player regardless of whether or not his team is the one cutting down the nets after the Championship game?

Sexy 16 polls close later tonight at 12AM PST!!! Vote for your favorite hotties and then check back with us tomorrow to see who moved on to the Regional Finals!!!

VISIT THE MOVIE REGION…

VISIT THE TV REGION…

VISIT THE MUSIC REGION…

VISIT THE MODELING REGION…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again– no one, and I mean NO ONE, was going to stop the ‘97 Knicks from winning the NBA Championship. Not only was Patrick Ewing playing out of his mind and slamming on All-NBA defensive players like Dennis Rodman, but David Stern had clearly forbidden every ref from whistling Ewing for steps, even if it resulted in him taking 17 of them before dribbling and/or shooting. Sadly, Stern went ahead and suspended the entire freakin’ team in the playoffs to even things out and, well, you all know how that story ended.

PS– Speaking of Rodman, here’s a bonus NBA clip that’s making the rounds on Youtube. It’s by far one of the funniest things to happen during a live game since “The Worm” kicked that photographer in the nuts back in ‘96. Wait, you mean that wasn’t supposed to be funny?

Seeing Stacey Keibler’s picture (ass) in the 2008 Tournament of Hotties made me realize that not much (and rightfully so) attention is being paid to Floyd Mayweather’s fight at Wrestlemania XXIV against the Big Show (a la “Captain Insano” from The Waterboy) this Sunday. The Big Show is 7′ tall and like 450 pounds, and Mayweather is reminiscent of Mugsey Bogues (thanks to Monnie D. for reminding me what that little bastard’s name was), but more lean and a helluva lot more outspoken. Mayweather said he would cut the Big Show down to size, which is probably difficult to do since he’d need a step stool to come to the Big Show’s chin, but that’s neither here nor there.

The incredibly ridiculous thing is that wrestling is all staged and this schmuck is going to get paid a ridiculous amount of money to get thrown around like a rag doll. And yes, it is fake; I worked at the Pepsi Arena (Editor’s note: now named the Times Union Center, but really, who cares anyway?) when I went to SUNY Albany and these guys practice their near-misses and fake punches like nobody’s business hours before the show (and since I’m destroying dreams, the Easter Bunny is fake, and has nothing to do with the purpose behind Easter, but that is not a discussion for now; Unicorns don’t exist without being ’shroom-induced; but the Tooth Fairy? That b*tch is real. No one is making up a tooth-loving fetish to comfort their kids. It’s basically every parent’s job to scare the crap out of the little sh*ts with a story about someone sneaking into their rooms to steal decaying teeth while they sleep).

All I’m getting at is that Vince McMahon is the white Don King, but with slightly better hair. What this guy can get away with in terms of entertainment, name-dropping (he had a “feud” with Donald Trump which resulted in McMahon shaving his head…the Donald’s hair was on the line as well, but how do you shave something that is hot glued on and might come off whole with the first pass of the clippers?), and the distance he pushes the envelope with scantily clad vixens bouncing around a ring in lingerie is sheer genius. If you ask me, he should be teaching business classes at major universities…and he should build a grotto like Heff’s right next to WWE headquarters in Stamford, CT because that ride for me is doable, whereas the Playboy Mansion… well, I’ve only been able to visit it once, and it was while playing “Playboy: The Mansion” on PS2.

The first game of the season is just around the corner, we’re a week into Spring… and I wake up to 3 inches of snow this morning! Global warming, please come back… I freakin’ miss you already. Conveniently enough, the Yanks are steering clear of the Northeast and they’re chillin’ on South Beach until Sunday (lucky bastards), but there was some big news coming out of Florida yesterday, and it didn’t necessarily revolve around Legends Field being renamed George M. Steinbrenner Field (though more on that in a minute). Instead, it was word that Hideki Matsui flew to Manhattan late Wednesday night to elope with a mystery bride.

Now usually I’d just say “Hmmm, it’s kinda odd that he didn’t tell anyone, but I guess people from different cultures don’t care much for the whole ‘I gotta tell all my buddies– even people I haven’t spoken to in over 10 years– about this so they can throw me a ridiculous bachelor party’ thing like we do here in the States.” But the weird side-stories here make this whole thing more-than-a-little sketchy. First, Matsui conned Jeets and Abreu into letting him join a bet where the first person to wed would get one-grand… all the while knowing full well that he was about to tie the knot. I guess he needed the money after Benihana demanded some compensation for all the Matsui ads they ran during the 130-games he missed over the past two seasons. Then, he released this bizarre statement about the nuptials: “I, Hideki Matsui, am getting married. I have decided to spend my whole life with her.” Eeeeaaaaasssy, Hideki. No need to recite your vows again to the general public. I’m pretty sure we all understand that when you marry someone, it’s because you want to be with them forever. Well, unless you’re a fake-boobed corporate secretary in the Tri-state area. Then you’re just trading in five years of sex and 9-months of pregnancy for 7-figure alimony and child support payments. But the craziest part, by far, has to be the fact that he married a police sketch-artist’s rendering of an asian chick. Come on, Hideki, I’m pretty sure you could’ve splurged for one of those $10,000 dollar sex dolls. Or maybe Sony’s already making sex robots, who knows? Either way, marrying a Playboy magazine would’ve been a better idea.

Back to the whole Legends Field = Steinbrenner Field thing for a second: during yesterday’s broadcast, Kenny Singleton and Al “Just Shut Up Already” Leiter were discussing all the charitable works Steinbrenner has done over the years, which ultimately compelled the local Tampa government to rename the field in Steinny’s honor. Call me crazy, but aren’t they just doing this because the Steinbrenner family brings thousands-upon-thousands of tourists and pumps millions-and-millions of dollars into Tampa every year courtesy of that little baseball team they own? They pretty much had to kiss the Boss’ ring sooner or later, didn’t they?

I love March Madness. One of my favorite things to do has always been to park myself on the couch and watch the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament. Each year I will be watching the tournament, captivated by the dogfights and the upsets, thinking to myself, “it doesn’t get much better than this.” Well I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong (it doesn’t happen often). It DOES get much better. All of those years I could have been watching the game from a pool or a Vegas sports book, surrounded by twelve of my friends, being served free drinks by beautiful women. That’s right, as some of you know, this year I spent the first two rounds in Las Vegas with twelve of my friends. We went out there with one thing in mind— to bet on the NCAA tournament. While we were there, though, we figured we might as well have a ridiculous time. My only regret is that I was unable to stop you idiots from ousting the future MFH, Julianne Hough, in the first round of our Tournament of Hotties. Unlike The Sports Guy, I was too busy having fun to actually take the time to jot down notes on my trip. (And unlike The Sports Guy, I picked Kansas St. to take out USC in the first round while he had the Trojans going to the Final Four.) On the flip side, it’s now practically impossible for me to remember many details from the trip.

One event that does stick out in my mind is the Siena-Vanderbilt game on Friday afternoon. Most of our crew grew up right near Siena and have been rooting for them since we were kids. We all bet them pretty heavy against the spread and on the money line, and then we proceeded to take over a good-sized section of the Palms sports book, many of us donning the Siena Green and Gold. We told everyone who walked near us to bet Siena, “It’s a lock.” We had spent the early part of the day drinking by the pool and at the tables, so we were already a little drunk, but we convinced the cocktail waitress to keep fresh drinks coming our way for the whole game and make the rest of her area an afterthought. We cheered exceptionally loud for every good Saints’ play and shouted down anyone who dared clap for a Vandy bucket. To say we were a little obnoxious is to say Alessandra Ambrosia is mildly attractive. But that is exactly the way we wanted it. By halftime we controlled the entire sports book. We did a couple rounds of shots (that were promised if Siena took a lead into halftime) and mocked Roy, the poor fellow who, despite our warnings, bet Vandy and talked smack to us at the beginning of the game. As the Saints pulled away in the second half behind a phenomenal performance from Kenny Hasbrouck and great shooting by Tay Fisher, my friend Gus and I turned to each other and simultaneously exclaimed, “Oh my god, they’re actually going to do it.” To his credit, Roy hung in there as we danced around him chanting, “The Saints are coming” and other phrases that don’t translate well on paper but drew laughs from the crowd. In the final minutes we received numerous ‘thank you’s’ from the patrons who headed our words and bet Siena, “just because of you guys.” In the end, Siena won by 21, we all scored big on our bets (which we all lost back and then some at the tables), and we had one of the most enjoyable two-hour spans we’ve had in years. (Which was preceded by, and followed by many more of the most enjoyable two-hour spans we’ve had in years. After all, we were in Vegas.)

By the end of the trip, all twelve of us had lost money. One of the crew was detained by the police, one infiltrated a “vagine” that did not cost money, two fell in love with cocktail waitresses who claimed they were married, four had the best dinner ever at N9NE without paying the $450+ bill (thank you, Mr. Underhill), one walked the paparazzi line at Pure during K-Fed’s birthday party, six saw Fuk Yu and Fuk Me, one had the best week of his life twenty minutes into the trip, one went 38 straight hours without so much as a nap, three were turned off from Baccarat forever, four were kicked out of Coyote Ugly three minutes after arriving, one made out with a three hundred pound woman in the taxi line outside of Caesar’s…on purpose, and the following quotes (which could really only be said in Vegas) were either said or heard:

“Next thing I know, she’s makin’ out with my weena!”

And that’s just what I remember. Vegas baby, Vegas.