Is Roger Clemens serious right now?

The Rocket’s on the offensive again, and this time he deployed his minions on a MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE– prove Clemens didn’t take the juice by using inane statistics and asinine analysis. Well, the Clemens Report– which somehow just seems destined to be less impactful than the Mitchell Report– failed to convince me that Roger’s Mr. Clean. But I did learn a thing or two from reading the 45 soon-to-be pieces of toilet paper…

1) Humans start to experience physical decline in their mid-30s: Earthshattering!!! Seriously, someone call the World Health Organization. This could save the lives of millions of people. Why the general public wasn’t made aware of this already is beyond me.

2) Old grudges die hard: There are nearly five pages (pages 18-23 if you’re dying to read ‘em) devoted directly, or sublimely, to attacking former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette’s claim that Clemens was in the “twighlight of his career” by the time 1996 rolled around. He even throws a favorable Peter Gammons quote or two in there just for good measure. Seriously man, just let it go! Things worked out pretty well for you elsewhere. Either Clemens is the most vindictive person alive, or he’s more hyper-emotional than an adolescent schoolgirl. On another level, though, team executives should seriously consider insulting their superstars on a regular basis; it could prove to be the most effective motivational tactic in the history of modern sport. Big contracts and fans’ jeers don’t seem to get the job done, but if telling a guy he’s a scrub drives him to be one of the greatest pitchers of all-time, then gosh darnit what the hell are we waiting for? Granted it could also lead him to use banned substances, but let’s focus on the positive here.

3) Roger Clemens is dumber than we thought he was, or at least he thinks we’re all as dumb as he is: the crux of the report essentially states that Roger Clemens couldn’t have possibly taken steroids because his career seems to mirror those of his exceptional contemporaries– Curt Schilling, Nolan Ryan, and Randy Johnson. So what you’re saying, Roger, is that just because those guys were never accused of taking ‘roids, we should just accept that you never did either because your numbers are so similar to theirs? How’s this for a whacky theory, Rocketman– is it at all possible that the only reason you experienced like success was because you TOOK steroids? Did you follow that there? Should I go over that again for ya? Clemens was born on April 4, 1962, but apparently all our birth certificates read “January 28, 2008.”

Now what we don’t know is how long Clemens’ camp intends to keep producing this kind of crap. Though to be honest, I’ve never been one to turn down free entertainment, so keep it comin’, Rog.